"Not now, I'm busy."
"But it's been so long..."
"I'm not talking to you."
"Please, I miss you.."
"I won't give in to you again."
"What am I, a drug?"
"More like a disease."
"Oh don't be like that, you know you miss me too."
"Stop, you're driving me insane."
"Have you forgotten? You are insane. Or should I say we are?"
"Trying to tell me I'm sweet?"
"I was just trying to be friendly."
"Not your forte. Try harder."
"You got tastes?"
"Oh. We're talking about types now?"
"I suppose we are."
"Don't have any."
"Liar, liar, liar. I know your make. -- You like 'em dangerous. You prefer them not talking unless they have something of value to say. You like a sharp tongue cause you have some bite in you."
"Well, I sure as hell don't like them nosy or timid, if that's what you're saying."
"I can't decide now if you humor me, or if you wound me."
"Why do you say that?"
"That insult was almost charming."
"Ah, you caught that, huh?"
"Right down to the bones."
"I never did say I was nice. Your fist mistake was insinuating that I was sweet."
"Shoudla known better. Youth is never known for being gentle."
"So, where am I exactly?"
"Hmm? Are you talking to me?"
"Yes. No one else seems to be moving. Where am I?"
"My best guess? You are frozen between your last breath and the rest of the world."
"What? Does that mean I'm dead? That's impossible, I don't remember dying."
"You really didn't see that truck coming, did you?"
"What truck? I was walking just a second ago!"
"A second is all it takes."
"Apparently. This is a lot to take in."
"Do you want to take another second?"
"Sure. Wow, I feel better already."
"Told you. A second is all it takes."
"So who are you then?"
"You might need a couple more seconds for this one."
"Just tell me."
"You haven't figured it out yet? The robes don't give it away?"
"You are... Death?"
"That's it? That's your reaction?"
"What? I'm dead, I'm obviously not thinking straight."
"Yes, but I've just single-handedly shattered your entire conception of the universe. There is no god, no religion, no repentance, only the personified avatar of death who just reaped your mortal coil into oblivion, and your first reaction is 'oh'?!"
"Sure, that's all amazing and whatnot, but to be honest I'm more surprised that I'm still here."
"Is it too much to ask for a little reverence?"
"You don't talk to the recently dead often, do you?"
"No. I don't. But that's why I'm here. You, my good man, have broken Death."
"I'm both flattered and terrified."
"You see, the way it works is this: you live your life. When your time is up, I kill you. I sit back, watch the life drain away, and your soul moves on from this life to the next. I don't follow your soul, I just watch to make sure everything goes according to plan. Souls can't see me. They can't talk to me. They certainly can't stop time, either."
"I screwed that up, didn't I."
"Yep. You've broken a flawless system that has worked for billions of years."
"Just because it's been practiced for a while doesn't mean it's flawless. I mean, how do you know it's flawless? You're just the middleman that transports the living to the 'afterlife'".
"Ouch, that one stung."
"No, seriously. If you've never seen the place you send people to, how can you claim that the system is working?"
"No wonder you broke the system, you think too much."
"What if I'm the warning sign that something is wrong on the other side? The sign that people aren't being sent to where they're supposed to go? The sign that you need to start regulating both sides of "Death"?
"Ok, ok, I get it. Jesus Christ, just shush for a moment."
"Christ? I thought you said there was no religion."
"I say a lot of things. Anyway, assuming what you say is true, what should we do?"
"I have a feeling that I can take you with me to the other side, so we have two choices: either come with me, or sit here for eternity waiting for something to happen."
"I like the idea of waiting, personally."
"You'd be surprised at how good I've gotten at killing time."
"Har har. Come on, you're coming with me."
"You know, for someone who was having trouble grasping the fact that he is dead, you're remarkably sure of yourself."
"I don't understand it myself, but I feel like dying has given me a concrete purpose in life, ironically."
Once there were two hikers -- no, not hikers, they were mountain climbers, oh, and rock climbers too -- and they went up this mountain, Mt. Everest you see, it was so cold, really really cold, not like it gets here, this is warm for them -- anyway, they went up the mountain, it's really big mountain, they got to the top and they had to go back down, and the guy who went first -- or was it second, hold on, let me think about it -- they're climbing down a cliff on the side of the mountain so yes, the guy who went first, he's a funny guy, he's supposed to grab onto the other guy and alert him if there's trouble down below, you see, and so they're -- what was I saying now? -- oh yes, they're going down the mountain, you know, rock climbing, with those ropes and those things -- what do they call them? -- carri… carra… carabiners -- and there's a guy on top and one on bottom -- oh no, get your mind out of the gutter, boy! -- and they reach the ground and the second guy, the one on top, says "so there wasn't any trouble?" and the first guy, funny guy you see, says "well I'd have grabbed you but then I'd be pulling your leg!"
'What are you doing here? You said you would't be here until 3.'
'I caught an earlier train.'
'Ah, so you admit to coming prematurely.'
"I wish you hadn't said that."
"I know. I'm sorry that I did."
"I'm sorry that you did too."
"Why are you sorry?"
"Because you've forced me to do this..."
"Leave me alone."
"I'm not going to leave you here, you're going to get hit. Now get up off the fucking road."
"I just want to die."
"Now is not the time."
"She broke my heart, man."
"How can I even go on?"
"I've just turned fifty years old. I have no wife, no kids. All my friends are dead, or as good as dead to me. I've lived alone in the same one bedroom apartment, with the same yellow woodchip walls for the past thirty years. I've done things you wouldn't believe, unforgivable things that haunt me every waking second. I'm a fucking bitter old dog, filled with nothing but hate and contempt for humanity. I am unloved and virtually unlovable, and you're asking me how you can go on?"
"I just want to stop hurting."
- In irregular
This happened by accident: Two open tabs, these two RECords playing and me thinking: Wow, this combination works! :)
"I love you."
"I hate you."
"That's cool...'cause opposites attract?"
"So, do you like it?"
"Nice! What is it?"
"Can't you tell? It's a chupacabra."
"What do you mean, "really?" Look at it."
"Ok. Ok, yeah, I see what you mean, but . . "
"What? But what?"
"I thought they were supposed to have fangs on top and fangs on the bottom. Plus, they have spines on their backs, like those big lizards, what're they called, kimono dragons."
"Komodo dragons don't have spines. I'm not sure they even have fangs."
"Sure they do. Didn't Sharon Stone get bitten by one?"
"No, asshole, that was her husband or fiance or something. I bet she said, hey, baby, let's go swimming with the dolphins, and he was like, no, man, I wanna wrestle a komodo dragon!"
"Hey, let me look at it again. Yeah, you did the belly wrong."
"You can't even see the belly! Why is it wrong?"
"It's supposed to have like a snake's belly. Look, right there, under the ribs. No scales."
"Who died and made you the chupacabra czar? Mine has fur and I like it that way."
"Fine, but it's wrong. Real chupacabras have scales."
"Chupacabras aren't real, dumbass! So I can do whatever I want."
"Fine. Let me see it again. You know, it reminds me of Buddy. 'Member how his ear always flopped over his eye?"
"Yeah. He was a good dog."
"Yeah, he was. Too bad that chupacabra got him."