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by sujinee
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I’m tired of reading others’ stories


I now want to write my own


 


About..what I perceived as, my first love


It began in may, I don’t know when it ended, or if it fully did.. was it even real?


While it lasted, it was


so sweet


so happy,


I could scarcely sleep


At that time, I was almost certain this could last forever


But it came to an abrupt end


 


Although I was the one who initiated the talk for the end


It seemed like it was coming to an end almost as soon as it began


Not because of what you did,


But what you didn’t do


 


As a result, I became unsure


Unsure of “love”


What it is, esp. to men


If it could withstand physical distance,


And the challenge of personal sacrifices--


Not really a challenge because of love


And past mistakes


 


My heart became a bit colder in some regions as a result


In the amount of affection I could pour


Out to others


And I don't like it


 


This thing called love and affection


Seems so often, fragile,


Transitory


Weak


But at the same time,


So necessary,


So life-giving


We crave and long for it


And give it so we can receive it


 


It’s ironic that in certain times in life,


Ignoring, withdrawal are necessary


Being cruel to be kind


Is a harsh truth


 


I wish God would rescue love


In all its purity and goodness,


Beauty and joy


I know he can, just as he redeemed the world


 


Sometimes, we make promises


We could never or


We were never meant to


Keep


 


“Love without depending”


                Is it possible to give and receive love while only relying on oneself?


                Perhaps we were only meant to depend fully on One Person


                The one who formed this heart


                So that even if we leaned a little on another, who falls away


                We could still stand tall


               

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I don’t know if it’s the caffeine, the cold, or the creative impulse,


But I can’t go to sleep


All I want to do is write


 


I had a dream last night


Someone I hadn’t thought of in a while


Was surprisingly in it


 


As I saw him approaching,


I hesitated before I decided to say a friendly hello


It I was I who had ended it, after all


He sat down and cried


I guess the past year was hard for him, intellectually and physically


 


Waking up this morning,


I went throughout my day like normal


Then “Back to December” came on the radio


I did not echo her sentiments but I found myself singing along


Perhaps that’s the seed that led me to this


 


No, I don’t regret it


But I sometimes rethink about everything


Because it made an impact on me, my mindset


I can’t say it’s fully positive or fully negative


It’s meshed and clouded and foggy and convoluted


The sequence of events


The memories I exaggerated,


Or decided to forget


 


What I do remember is lying,


Or leaving out the truth


I stopped feeling loved by you


After we separated geographically


 


Out of sight, out of mind?


Yea, you must have been telling the truth about that


 


The problem was,


My love for you escalated too fast


And yours escalated before mine and then declined


Too fast


 


Was it a mistake from the start?


What was the purpose of it


 


There were definitely sweet moments


But considering the big picture,


I can’t know if it was real


Or if your motivations, your feelings,


Were purely…I don’t want to say the word


 


Now I don’t know what to think


About relationships


About men


I have hope for my future


But I’m uncertain if I can trust someone


To take care of, to love this heart,


This mind


 


To treasure and respect my needs, my desires


My purity,


The heart of a girl


Above himself

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by sujinee
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life can be summed up by the horizon


where sun kisses earth,


rising & appearing,


descending & disappearing


today, life is summed up by hellos and goodbyes, sunset and sunrise

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by sujinee
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A day that ends in rain


 


Awake but barely breathing


 


Wishing the past wouldn’t creep in and haunt the present


 


Distort the goodness


And splash in badness


 


Can’t even comprehend this coherently


 


I wish life didn’t have to be so hard


 


It was such a perfect day


 


Until that happened


 


I can’t even trace why or how it came about


 


Nonsensical


Illogical


Irreparable? I really hope not


 


Yea, people have it much worse


 


But it doesn’t change the feeling


The pain


The sadness


The confusion


 


The desire for peace


 


I won’t be content with the guarantee that in this world, we will have trouble


 


That won’t suffice


 


I want


Resolution


 


But is it possible


 


I feel


Dread


Fear


Unease


But I won’t let this define me

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by sujinee
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Dedicated to:


The most courageous man I’ve met


 


Walking with my arms pulling in my jacket closer


And head down


I was lost in the nebulous thoughts that permeated my head


When I looked up and beheld


The most courageous man


 


With no legs


(But little shoes)


And one arm


Swinging at his side


 


He strode toward the mall


With a quiet purpose and conviction


Exuding from his tall posture


 


I couldn’t look away


 


Life is unjust


Because people & situations


But here is this man


Who still lives with head held high


And eyes looking ahead


 


With the courage to live


Although eye-level with others’ knees


 


Without job, without spouse


He probably is


And the future he cannot know


 


But this guy lives on


Lives strong


The most courageous man I’ve ever met.

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by sujinee
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There once was a girl


Whose name meant loyal


So she gave her loyalty


To ones who touched her heart


Spirit and mind


 


But the world told the girl


And the girl told herself


That she had a problem


 


Because once her loyalty was given


It was hard for her to take it back


 


Deep inside her heart were strings that


Attached themselves to another


 


And when the strings became worn


Or tangled


Or singed


Or slowly burned off


One


By


One


 


She panicked


She hurt


And she cried


 


But the truth of life


And the truth of the world


Said that friends come and go


That loved ones leave


And you must let leave


 


This was what caused the girl


Much pain


And nights of fitful sleep


 


So she resolved to


Let people fly away on the wind


If that suited their present happiness


 


And if they returned


She would think twice


Before offering her loyalty

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by sujinee
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There was a boy who did not know he was a man


Every night his head would hit his pillow with a familiar sigh


“I’m not good enough,”


He’d curse himself


The boy kept on with this until his curse became life


Shrouding over the fact that


He was built for blessings.


 


Fear, anger, and sleeplessness were his closest friends


Until one night, he had a dream


 


Out of the dark dense fog, a warm, yellow light approached him


Growing more brilliant as it came


From the light emerged a sweet-faced girl


 


Beaming her usual bright smile,


She peered into his hard gaze


And said,


 


“You’re a man to me,


A man who can admit his weakness,


And offer strength when others are weak and ashamed,


Replacing fear with peace and joy.”


 


And then she recited:


 


Each man will be like a hiding place from the wind,
   a shelter from the storm,
like streams of water in a dry place,
   like the shade of a great rock in a weary land.


 


The morning sun pierced his eyes and the boy awoke,


Having forgotten the dream.


 


Walking along his usual maple-leaf-fallen walkways,


A warmth suddenly flooded his jacket, denying the frigid air.


The wind carried to him a faint melody and the same sweet words of his dream


 


“Like streams in the desert,


Like a mighty rock that provides shade…


That’s who you are, my friend”


 


His ears perked up,


A novel, tingling sensation sweeping over his hunched, insomniac body


He recalled this voice,


And inhaling his first breath of fresh air in forever,


He looked up at the sky,


And smiled

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by sujinee
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