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by sujinee

I’m tired of reading others’ stories

I now want to write my own


About..what I perceived as, my first love

It began in may, I don’t know when it ended, or if it fully did.. was it even real?

While it lasted, it was

so sweet

so happy,

I could scarcely sleep

At that time, I was almost certain this could last forever

But it came to an abrupt end


Although I was the one who initiated the talk for the end

It seemed like it was coming to an end almost as soon as it began

Not because of what you did,

But what you didn’t do


As a result, I became unsure

Unsure of “love”

What it is, esp. to men

If it could withstand physical distance,

And the challenge of personal sacrifices--

Not really a challenge because of love

And past mistakes


My heart became a bit colder in some regions as a result

In the amount of affection I could pour

Out to others

And I don't like it


This thing called love and affection

Seems so often, fragile,



But at the same time,

So necessary,

So life-giving

We crave and long for it

And give it so we can receive it


It’s ironic that in certain times in life,

Ignoring, withdrawal are necessary

Being cruel to be kind

Is a harsh truth


I wish God would rescue love

In all its purity and goodness,

Beauty and joy

I know he can, just as he redeemed the world


Sometimes, we make promises

We could never or

We were never meant to



“Love without depending”

                Is it possible to give and receive love while only relying on oneself?

                Perhaps we were only meant to depend fully on One Person

                The one who formed this heart

                So that even if we leaned a little on another, who falls away

                We could still stand tall



I don’t know if it’s the caffeine, the cold, or the creative impulse,

But I can’t go to sleep

All I want to do is write


I had a dream last night

Someone I hadn’t thought of in a while

Was surprisingly in it


As I saw him approaching,

I hesitated before I decided to say a friendly hello

It I was I who had ended it, after all

He sat down and cried

I guess the past year was hard for him, intellectually and physically


Waking up this morning,

I went throughout my day like normal

Then “Back to December” came on the radio

I did not echo her sentiments but I found myself singing along

Perhaps that’s the seed that led me to this


No, I don’t regret it

But I sometimes rethink about everything

Because it made an impact on me, my mindset

I can’t say it’s fully positive or fully negative

It’s meshed and clouded and foggy and convoluted

The sequence of events

The memories I exaggerated,

Or decided to forget


What I do remember is lying,

Or leaving out the truth

I stopped feeling loved by you

After we separated geographically


Out of sight, out of mind?

Yea, you must have been telling the truth about that


The problem was,

My love for you escalated too fast

And yours escalated before mine and then declined

Too fast


Was it a mistake from the start?

What was the purpose of it


There were definitely sweet moments

But considering the big picture,

I can’t know if it was real

Or if your motivations, your feelings,

Were purely…I don’t want to say the word


Now I don’t know what to think

About relationships

About men

I have hope for my future

But I’m uncertain if I can trust someone

To take care of, to love this heart,

This mind


To treasure and respect my needs, my desires

My purity,

The heart of a girl

Above himself

by sujinee
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life can be summed up by the horizon

where sun kisses earth,

rising & appearing,

descending & disappearing

today, life is summed up by hellos and goodbyes, sunset and sunrise

by sujinee
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A day that ends in rain


Awake but barely breathing


Wishing the past wouldn’t creep in and haunt the present


Distort the goodness

And splash in badness


Can’t even comprehend this coherently


I wish life didn’t have to be so hard


It was such a perfect day


Until that happened


I can’t even trace why or how it came about




Irreparable? I really hope not


Yea, people have it much worse


But it doesn’t change the feeling

The pain

The sadness

The confusion


The desire for peace


I won’t be content with the guarantee that in this world, we will have trouble


That won’t suffice


I want



But is it possible


I feel




But I won’t let this define me

by sujinee
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Dedicated to:

The most courageous man I’ve met


Walking with my arms pulling in my jacket closer

And head down

I was lost in the nebulous thoughts that permeated my head

When I looked up and beheld

The most courageous man


With no legs

(But little shoes)

And one arm

Swinging at his side


He strode toward the mall

With a quiet purpose and conviction

Exuding from his tall posture


I couldn’t look away


Life is unjust

Because people & situations

But here is this man

Who still lives with head held high

And eyes looking ahead


With the courage to live

Although eye-level with others’ knees


Without job, without spouse

He probably is

And the future he cannot know


But this guy lives on

Lives strong

The most courageous man I’ve ever met.

by sujinee
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There once was a girl

Whose name meant loyal

So she gave her loyalty

To ones who touched her heart

Spirit and mind


But the world told the girl

And the girl told herself

That she had a problem


Because once her loyalty was given

It was hard for her to take it back


Deep inside her heart were strings that

Attached themselves to another


And when the strings became worn

Or tangled

Or singed

Or slowly burned off





She panicked

She hurt

And she cried


But the truth of life

And the truth of the world

Said that friends come and go

That loved ones leave

And you must let leave


This was what caused the girl

Much pain

And nights of fitful sleep


So she resolved to

Let people fly away on the wind

If that suited their present happiness


And if they returned

She would think twice

Before offering her loyalty

by sujinee
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There was a boy who did not know he was a man

Every night his head would hit his pillow with a familiar sigh

“I’m not good enough,”

He’d curse himself

The boy kept on with this until his curse became life

Shrouding over the fact that

He was built for blessings.


Fear, anger, and sleeplessness were his closest friends

Until one night, he had a dream


Out of the dark dense fog, a warm, yellow light approached him

Growing more brilliant as it came

From the light emerged a sweet-faced girl


Beaming her usual bright smile,

She peered into his hard gaze

And said,


“You’re a man to me,

A man who can admit his weakness,

And offer strength when others are weak and ashamed,

Replacing fear with peace and joy.”


And then she recited:


Each man will be like a hiding place from the wind,
   a shelter from the storm,
like streams of water in a dry place,
   like the shade of a great rock in a weary land.


The morning sun pierced his eyes and the boy awoke,

Having forgotten the dream.


Walking along his usual maple-leaf-fallen walkways,

A warmth suddenly flooded his jacket, denying the frigid air.

The wind carried to him a faint melody and the same sweet words of his dream


“Like streams in the desert,

Like a mighty rock that provides shade…

That’s who you are, my friend”


His ears perked up,

A novel, tingling sensation sweeping over his hunched, insomniac body

He recalled this voice,

And inhaling his first breath of fresh air in forever,

He looked up at the sky,

And smiled

by sujinee
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