INT. NIGHT, STUDY
Gertrude and Stan enter the study, breathlessly kissing each other. It's dark inside, the only light coming in through the window from the moon.
Gertrude moans as Stan presses her up against a bookshelf. It's then that the smell hits them like a ton of bricks.
GERTRUDE: Stan, what in the world - are you gassy again? It was my mama's bean and cheese casserole tonight, wasn't it?
Stan gags at the smell.
STAN: What? No! I steered clear of it. You know how much I hate step-mama's food.
GERTRUDE (Forgetting about the smell for a second): Oh Stan, tell me again how we're stepsiblings and we're totally in love and totally keeping it a secret from everybody!
STAN: Well, I wouldn't say we're in love -
GERTRUDE: Shut up and take me!
They start making out again against the bookshelf.
And then they hear someone clapping in the dark corner of the room.
FRANKLIN: Well, well, well...
Gertrude and Stan gasp, instantly recognizing the voice. They both turn to look at the dark corner in shock. Franklin lights a cigarette, the match revealing a gruesome face but only for a second.
FRANKLIN: How long was that, Gertrude? Only a week after the funeral before you sunk your teeth into my brother?
GERTRUDE: You're - you're - you're supposed to be dead!
STAN: We buried you!
FRANKLIN: Not well enough, apparently.
STAN: What the hell are you doing here?!
Stan steps inbetween his brother and their step-sister.
GERTRUDE: And what the hell is that smell?!
FRANKLIN: I remember the days when it was me sneaking away with you to the study.
Stan turns to Gertrude in shock.
STAN: You were sleeping with my brother?!
Gertrude half shrugs.
GERTRUDE: You were on that secret mission for the army, how was I suppose to know you'd be back?
STAN: A secret mission for the army, is that what he told you?
Stan turns back to Franklin.
GERTRUDE: Who cares about the secret mission? What the hell is that smell?
FRANKLIN: That smell would be me.
Franklin turns on a lamp. Or rather, zombie Franklin turns on a lamp. Gertrude and Stan jump in horror when Franklin reveals the rotting flesh of his face.
GERSTUDE and STAN: You're a zombie!
ANNOUNCER VO: Next week on ZOMBIES OF OUR LIVES...what will Stan and Gertrude do now that Franklin is back? WHO brought Franklin back from the dead? Whose brain will Franklin eat first? Did anyone else get gassy from Mama's bean and cheese casserole?
One word: paintball.
Two people, decked out in paintball gear, are the only people left on their team and they both know they don't have much ammo left. So instead of running around and wasting their last paintballs, them and their teams suggest having a stand-off. Back to back, ten paces, and then they turn around and shoot each other.
The other day I went to an art gallery and asked if I could purchase the portrait of the woman with the hollow eyes and disturbed expression about her face.
I was told that was a mirror.
A dusty run-down town. Sun is high and blinding. People shake with fear behind windows and swinging half doors. The main road is empty save for two gunslingers dressed in typical cowboy garb, handkerchiefs over both their faces, but one of them is wearing a nice shiny badge.
GUNSLINGER 1: You shoulda got out while you still could!
1's voice is pitched higher than a man's. Clearly a woman. She's the sheriff of this town.
GUNSLINGER 2: You're doing a bad job at protecting this town, you know that? Shame, such a shame.
2's voice is also pitched higher than a man's. Another woman.
1: You're one to talk! Ain't no honor in inciting fear into my people.
2: Still don't know why daddy favored you over me.
They're sisters and clearly they've got some issues with their father's favoritism.
1: There you go again. "Daddy this...daddy that..." Get over it already.
2: Oh please. Don't talk as if you didn't care. "Oh look at me, I'm daddy's favorite. I'm the best sharpshooter in this family!" Strutting about with your fancy pistol and boots. Well not today missy, 'cause while you were here sitting on your bum acting all high and mighty, I got better! I can shoot a lizard sleeping on a rock a mile away. I wanna see you do that with your fancy pistol and your fancy boots!
1: You think it's all about skill? It ain't! It's about intuition, cry baby.
2 growls when 1 calls her "cry baby." Another touchy subject.
2: I ain't a cry baby no more!
1: You might not look it, but you still act like a cry baby, you cry baby!
2: You gonna pay for that!
2 takes out her pistol. Black with a wooden grip and gold detailing. 1 does the same. Black with a wooden grip. Not as fancy as 2's. And then 2 cocks her gun and shoots at the ground near 1's left foot. 1 jumps up in surprise. 2 laughs behind her handkerchief.
1: Why you little -
1 cocks her gun and shoots it into the air before pointing it straight at 2.
2: Look at me, shaking in my boots.
2 puts her hands up, as if she's going to surrender, but at the last second she rolls away, crouches and shoots at 1. 1 barely dodges the bullet as she dives behind some crates. 1 straights up and looks around the crates as 2 looks around the corner of a building.
1: Surrender and I'm might let you go!
The sound of guns going off ricochets against the buildings. The townspeople duck and hide as the battle between the sisters ensues. 1 and 2 run and duck and hide as well, dodging each other's bullets. They find themselves on the outskirts of town, 1 hiding behind an outhouse, 2 behind a thick wooden pole, both out of breath and out of bullets.
1: Go now, little sis! I'll let you live if you leave and never come back!
2: Come out here and tell that to my face, coward!
They've been sisters long enough to know when the other was bluffing. But they both come out of their hiding places and stare each other down. 1 pulls down the handkerchief from the lower half of her face. 2 does the same.
1: We're both out of bullets. I counted.
2: Shut your trap, Miss Brainy.
1: Just leave!
1 is pleading now. She wants this resolved. She doesn't want to fight anymore. 2 looks at the barrel of her gun and finds that her sister has miscounted. She still has one more bullet. Without another thought, 2 raises her gun and pulls the trigger. Instinctively, 1 lifts her gun and shoots when she sees 2 raise her own gun. 1 didn't know her gun still had one bullet too. It's like two trains crashing right into each other. Dust clears and right in the middle on the ground between the sisters are two bullets, smashed together. The ultimate draw.
Married for only two weeks, the Andersons of Corona really took the phrase “til death do us part” literally when they both committed suicide first with laudanum (which didn’t do much except cure their diarrhea), then arsenic (which they both vomited), and lastly a revolver (which had finally done the job.)
Valerie left to school with hope that the quarterback had fallen in love with her overnight.
Unbeknownst to her, the hair she had picked off his letterman jacket for the spell had been his dog's.
She realized this when she was chased and had her leg humped by a poodle.