Hello my lovelies.
This RECord is to let y'all know I'm going to be taking a short hiatus from the site. I really need to take a step back from spending time online and focus on some RL things so I'm planning on taking the next two months or so off from HitRECord. I'll miss y'all and I'm sad to not work on some of the collabs we've got going on, because they're very awesome, but be good and creative and make lots of cool stuff for me to REmix when I get back.
The months slip away from you. You don’t want to let them go. Sometimes you want to hold onto them so tightly they’ll break in your hand and be left stranded. Other times you wish they’d run so fast that it’s years later in an instant. Sometimes it feels later and sometimes it’s yesterday. The hustle and bustle of the first is now over. All the arrangements and the condolences and the music and the pictures and the relatives and the paperwork and the money is done. Now it’s just quiet and empty and not the same as it used to be. Sometimes it may feel like it’s the same…but it’s not. Something will always remind you that it’s not. You know that it won’t always be like this either. Life isn’t stagnant, even when death permeates it. But you feel stagnant, feel frozen, feel like everything is a frenzied mess and yet you’re stuck in one place, unable to move on, let go, get past it. Whatever else anyone says you should do. What do you do? What is there to do? You just continue…you just “live.” You just are and just will be and even when grief overwhelms you, you feel numb. Even when you forget, you always have to remember. Even when there is life and joy and all the things created for you, there’s always a point where it comes back to the nothingness and the void of what once was. We can’t change, even when we accept it finally. There has to come that point. Everyone says it does come. And it definitely doesn’t come the three weeks later when the casserole dishes are finally gone and the flowers have all died and you’re back at work because that’s all the time you have. There’s no way even a week could make up for losing a lifetime anyway. And if you don’t look a certain way or act a certain way or refuse to keep going or not keep going or act like nothing happened or act like it was nothing what did happen…you’re wrong, you’re not doing it right, you’re not grieving properly, you’re grieving too much, you’re bringing the rest of the world down. And what’s right, anyway? How can there be a right way to come to terms with the loss of life-of a very part of yourself and your world? When tragedy upon tragedy comes crashing down on your head and you’re supposed to stand with your head tall and shoulders back? What then? Crumble and fall or march through life with a brittle smile and a carefree laugh designed to be the façade against the white world of pain and blackness inside? Too many questions and too many answers and no answers at all and who wants to ask questions anyway? Anyway…so then, probably, on and on. What’s the point? A simple enough question with a myriad of responses possible. And you don’t want to hear the answer. You don’t want them to feel the same as you do. Cause if they are, then how come they can say those things and look that way? How could they know what to do? How come you can’t be like them? How come they can’t be like you? Why aren’t they feeling the way they should be feeling? Because obviously they should be feeling like you, or feeling like something or acting like a decent human being or just shutting the hell up because you don’t want to talk about it anymore. Maybe it’s their tragedy too, but they don’t have to act like it’s their personal property, like they have dibs on pain. They don’t have to act like it didn’t happen. They don’t have to act like it doesn’t matter, that you don’t matter, or that it matters so much that you don’t matter. They are too many ways for it all to be so horrible and which would you choose if given the option? You can’t choose and you’re too tired to try. Couldn’t someone just do something? Please? Oh, God…please.
- Customer Service Woman JL VO
I can't tell if this works since I'm affected by the audio bugs on the site. Someone let me know if this actually is up.
- Still Here JL VO
Not sure if this is gonna work, I had a lot of trouble getting it up. I'm one of those affected by the audio bugs on the site so I can't even tell. Someone please let me know if this actually works.
Why must I always be asleep
For anyone to see the best of me?
Great text by andrewhip and these last two lines are so beautiful and I think make a great tiny story. Or tiny question. :)
I always eat ice cream sandwiches the same way.
I think it would be hilarious if someone sped up this footage and used it for something like an interstitial.
Also, sorry that you missed the traditional licking of the fingers at the end.
Jesterlady: Hi sweetie, how it's going?
XDEADGUYX: Good, you?
Jesterlady: I'm great. It's so nice to talk to you. I know I was only up there last weekend, but it feels like forever ago.
Jesterlady: Are you busy? Cause I can talk to you later if that's the case.
XDEADGUYX: Told my mom I'd help her with some stuff.
Jesterlady: See, that's why I love you. You're such a sweet guy.
XDEADGUYX: You really shouldn't say that.
Jesterlady: Why not? Can't I think I have an amazing boyfriend? :)
XDEADGUYX: I want to break up.
XDEADGUYX: I just, I want to break up. It's too hard, this long distance thing. It's fine when we're together, but then you leave and it's like I can't even picture you anymore, you don't really exist, and I'm not cool living like that. I just need to have a relationship that's not like that.
XDEADGUYX: Are you there?
Jesterlady: Yeah, sorry, I was just changing my desktop background.
XDEADGUYX: The one of us at the suspension bridge?
Jesterlady: That's the one.
XDEADGUYX: That was...quick, getting rid of things like that.
Jesterlady: Not as quick as you metaphorically throwing me in the trash.
XDEADGUYX: I'm sorry. I still love you, I just can't be with you. I hope we can be friends and still talk.
Jesterlady: Have a nice life
So it's not exactly poetry, per say, and obviously not a verbatim conversation, but this is pretty much exactly how I got dumped on Instant Messenger by my ex.
The reason I thought of it was because when Joe was talking about how trash is still somewhere even when you throw it away, it reminded me of how my ex could only handle me so long as I was with him. I think it's interesting that the value we hold on things and whether or not they're trash often relates to how familiar we are with them, how often we use them, whether they're right in front of us or not.
For me, when this happened, I instantly wanted to get away from all reminders, wanted to dull the pain, I guess. So I did that, I went and changed my background and started deleting pictures and pulling them out of frames and deleting emails. I just wanted to trash everything that reminded me of the relationship. So we both were trashing things, but in different ways.
Last night my Mom and I decided to play Hand and Foot, the card game I spoke of in my video (the last game I ever played). In the process we found an old paper that had the rules to a card game my brother and I made up when we were younger. It came pat to the REquest moment, so I did a quick little video with my Mom's help.
Yesterday I got a speeding ticket.
There are many ways I could have avoided getting that ticket.
1. Not sped. *duh*
2. Actually gone to church that morning instead of watching it online
3. Not spent 10 minutes re-syncing my Ipod before I left and left on time
4. Gone to the Quiznos in Sammamish instead of waiting to go to the Quiznos on Redmond Ridge
5. Lied and cried and made up a pathetic excuse about why I was going so fast
Let's just say I have gone over and over again the little things that would have prevented this.