-I swear to God, I just saw this large menacing-looking ball thing floating just above my head, glaring at me -- telling me I’ve done bad things that I should regret and should try and fix, y’know. And it seemed like it was reading my mind, like it knew I was scared and knew I knew what those bad things were, but I wasn’t sure if the bad things I was thinking about were the same bad things as what this ball thing was thinking they were. I wasn’t even sure if those bad things I was thinking were things I actually did or just things I made up at that moment because I was scared shitless. Well, anyway, that’s when I woke up on Sofie’s couch. I got really excited and wrote it down immediately on a notepad then started wondering why I got so God damn excited... And—don’t think I’m weird or anything, but just before I met up with you – in my car – you know, I was just thinking about how I’d explain this dream to you then take a moment to drink my coffee and say what I’m saying right now about not thinking I’m weird, but how it would be weird to say what I’m saying right now, and it’s kind of processing in my head that—that this is weird. And what do you think? This is weird, right?
-Yeah, it’s kind of weird. You alright, Peter?
-I’m glad you said that. I thought you were going to say, ‘No, man. It ain’t weird.’ So I’m glad you said what you said. Thanks, Eddie.
-You sleeping well?
-I think so.
-Sofie good?
-I think so. She got a humidifier.
-She’s not getting good air circulation in her house?
-Is that what humidifiers are for?
-Something like that.
-I’m not sure why she got it. She just got one. It’s shaped like an alligator. It’s kind of cute. Maybe that’s why she got it – maybe to tell people, 'Hey, look. Check out this alligator,' then boom! Fucking humidifier... Shit. What if she’s thinking about breaking up with me?
-Don’t talk nonsense.
-I’m not. I’m talking very sensibly.
-Why would you say such a thing? You sure you’re sleeping well?
-Yes! I’m sleeping so fucking amazingly. I’m like the Phil Nicholson of sleeping.
-You mean Phil Mickelson.
-No, I meant Jack Nicholson. The golfer.
-No, no. Jack Nicholson’s the actor.
-Shit, you’re right. I’m sorry. Brain fart. What were we talking about?
-...You stoned?
-No, I’m not fucking stoned, man. I’m just—oh, right. Sofie. I think she might be thinking about ending the relationship because of the God damn humidifier.
-Why the hell would she break up with you because of a humidifier?
-Well, exactly the reason why I said she got the alligator humidifier - to show new people her humidifier, which leads to the bedroom. You know, she wants to be like real cute when it gets to that real awkward moment with some new guy while they’re watching TV, not really talking about anything, but thinking about, y'know, what's going to happen later on in the night, and so she’ll be like, ‘Hey. Want to see my alligator?’ to break the awkwardness. The guy will give a big goofy smile and kind of chuckle then say something like, ‘What alligator?’ Then fucking boom! She says, ‘I’ll show you,' and lead the lucky bastard to her bedroom where that asshole humidifier is, and there'll be more awkwardness then they’ll fuck because that's what happens when things get heated and awkward in a bedroom. God damn it. I can’t believe this shit! Why else would she buy an alligator humidifier?
-You’re talking nonsense, Peter. Absolute nonsense. Now, stop acting foolish. Tell me what’s wrong with you.
-Honestly, nothing. I just got a lot on my mind. You want to get stoned?
-No. No, I don’t want to get stoned. Do you want to break up with Sofie? Is that it?
-No. I love the girl.
-Wait a minute. Why’d you sleep on her couch?
-I told her I had a virus.
-Why would you do that?
-Were you not listening? That God damn alligator. I tried sleeping there, but that alligator was looking at me, taunting me. I couldn’t take it any longer, so I told her that I forgot that I had a virus and slept on the couch.
-You are such an idiot, Peter. Whose genes did you get?
-I look more like Mom.
-We both look more like Mom. Why don’t you just ask her why she got her humidifier?
-I tried, but she got kind of nervous. In retrospect, it was probably because I kept asking her repeatedly like some sort of detective, but at the time, I thought it was because she was cheating on me, and she was using the humidifier to hide the guy’s scent.
-You’re a paranoid fuck! Jesus, Peter!
-Shh. You’re causing a scene.
-I don’t give a shit. You’re talking absolute madness, and I can’t take it any longer.
-Absolute madness. Interesting choice of words.
-Fuck you. How's that for interesting?
-I've heard better.

This short play is about Ned going over to his friend, Ryan's place to tell him that he proposed to his lover, but things get awkward shortly after Ned proposes Ryan to do a reenactment of his proposal.



(RYAN is sitting down. NED knocks on the
door. RYAN gets up and opens it. NED has
a ridiculously large smile on his face.)


NED
Hey Ryan!

RYAN
Hey Ned.


(NED sticks his hand out for a hi-five, still
smiling. RYAN stares at it, confused.)


NED
Go on. Slap it.


(RYAN hesitates before slapping it.)


RYAN
What's up, Ned?

NED
I proposed to Jennifer.

RYAN
Oh. Congratulations.

NED
Thank you. Have you been taking
extra trips to the gym?

RYAN
I don't go to the gym.

NED
You work out at home?


RYAN
Uh... no. No, I don't.

NED
You're such a liar! I can tell that you've
been working out.

RYAN
Maybe it's the shirt. It's a little small on me.


(NED kneels down in front of RYAN.
RYAN looks around, confused.)


NED
I wasn't talking about your biceps, silly. These.


(NED grabs RYAN's thighs. RYAN steps back.)


NED
Your thighs are great!

RYAN
Oh, um, thanks, Ned. You're still down there.

NED
Yes. I enjoy your shoes. They are very chic.


(NED stands up and stands very close to RYAN.
RYAN looks very nervous.)


RYAN
Thanks. They're just shoes.

NED
I know, but chic. I like chic.

RYAN
Want a drink?

NED
No, but thank you for offering.

RYAN
Okay. I'm going to get a soda.


(RYAN walks away, but NED follows.)


RYAN
Hey, what are you doing?

NED
What do you mean?

RYAN
I'm just getting a soda.

NED
Great.


(RYAN stops.)


RYAN
Actually, I'm not very thirsty any more.

NED
That's great, Ryan. What do you want to do?

RYAN
I don't know. I was just sitting here earlier, not really doing anything.

NED
Okay. Sounds good.


(They both just stand there.)


RYAN
So... how'd you propose?

NED
I got down on my knee and... wait. I got an idea! How about I do a reenactment of it?

RYAN
That's okay.

NED
No, I'm fine doing it again. It's fun. This will be fun!


(NED kneels in front of RYAN.)


NED
I went to Jennifer's place and got down on my knee, just like I'm doing now. Jennifer looked alarmed. You look alarmed too.

RYAN
I don't know.

NED
Come on. Don't be so shy. It'll be cute.


(RYAN tries to look alarmed but he's
very self-conscious. He gives up.)


NED
Put your hand to your mouth. Open palm and have your mouth slightly agape with restrained pleasure.


(RYAN opens his mouth slightly and
puts his closed fist to his mouth then
opens his hand.)


NED
Very nice, Ryan.


(NED puts his hand on RYAN's inner thigh.
RYAN steps back.)


NED
Hey now. Don't ruin it. This is how I did it. Jennifer and I are very comfortable with each other. That's why my hands on your thigh.

RYAN
But we're friends, Ned.

NED
Friends are comfortable with each other. Come on, Ryan. I just took a huge step in proposing. I'm elated!

RYAN
Okay.


(RYAN puts his open palm over his slightly
opened mouth again. NED returns his hand
on RYAN's inner thigh.)


NED
This feels very warm. It's even warmer than Jennifer's. I like it very much.

RYAN
Thanks.


(NED rubs RYAN's inner thigh.)


NED
Mm...

RYAN
Wh... what?

NED
Mm... Oh, yeah...

RYAN
Why are you saying that?

NED
You're ruining the moment. We're role playing. You're Jennifer. I'm me.

RYAN
Fine.

NED
I just want to tell you... Just wanted to tell you how much I love your body and... Okay, Ryan. This is where you say, "I like your hands. They're nice to my body." Say it with great intensity.

RYAN
I'm not sure I feel comfortable saying that to you.

NED
You're not saying it. Jennifer is. Now, come on. With great intensity.

RYAN
I... fuck, man. I like your hands. They're nice to my body.

NED
Oh, I'll be real nice.


(NED now has both his hands on
RYAN's inner thighs. He brings them
closer to RYAN's crotch. RYAN quickly
slaps them away and backs away angrily.)


RYAN
What the hell!?

NED
What?

RYAN
What is this, man?! This is getting weird.

NED
How?

RYAN
You're... you're touching me, man! Your hands are getting... intimate with my groin area.

NED
Not your groin area. Jennif--

RYAN
What's the point of this?!

NED
It's a reenactment.

RYAN
Okay, but why? What's the purpose of this reenactment? I understand that you proposed to Jennifer, but why do you have to perform it on me... on my body? Jesus, man, do you... what... do you have a thing for me or something?


(NED stands up and looks upset.)


NED
What? Are you suggesting that I'm trying to make a move on you?

RYAN
Your hands were approaching my crotch!

NED
Because I was imagining you as Jennifer! You don't understand what it's like to engaged. You feel amazing and I wanted to show you, but you... you think I'm trying to have sex with you? I have a fiancé now! You... you have a sick mind, Ryan. I don't know if I'm comfortable being your friend anymore. Good day, sir!


(NED exits the stage. RYAN puts his
hands on his hips, not sure how to feel.)


RYAN
Jesus... He's such a... touchy guy. Jesus, Jennifer must be a very secure fella. I don't know how he can deal with his future husband touching other guys like that. The fuck kind of parents name their son, Jennifer?


CURTAIN.

This short play is about two men challenging each other to a duel over a woman, but they struggle with scheduling... and other more severe problems.




(GEOFFREY's pants are down and he's
humping an imaginary woman on the floor
on the right side of the stage. He is
thoroughly invested in the act. He brushes
his hair back and pants.)


GEOFFREY
Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. That is a good location because it is giving me pleasure that I enjoy because pleasure is a phenomenal feeling. Oh, yeah. Thank you.


(TIMOTHY walks onto the center of the
stage and addresses the audience.)


TIMOTHY
I will be doubling as the narrator of our story and will be coming in the room later as an attractive Englishman. Okay, um, I'm the narrator right... now. All right.


(TIMOTHY clears his throat and has a
straight posture. He speaks with an English
accent.)


TIMOTHY
The year is 1777 and the place, the wealthy Teabourne estate located in the Menchiba region of North West England.


(TIMOTHY looks over at GEOFFREY
humping the imaginary woman then back at
the audience.)


TIMOTHY
That thing that man is penetrating with adroit rhythm is strikingly beautiful Eve. She is the most beautiful woman in England. I would love to spend time with her in bed discussing politics and philosophy so that she will be impressed my intellect and will proceed in having sweet, gentle love with me. But I digress. Pretty soon, Lord Timothy Fineman will enter the room. I shall now depart.


(TIMOTHY walks off stage then reappears,
opening a door. His eyes are wild and wide
open. GEOFFREY stops humping and
looks up at TIMOTHY, surprised and
confused.)


TIMOTHY
How dare you make love to my mistress! I challenge you to a duel!


(GEOFFREY sits up, outraged.)


GEOFFREY
What did you say?! She is my wife! You make love to my wife and break into my house?! I accept your challenge! A duel to the death!


(TIMOTHY looks a little nervous, but
recovers when GEOFFREY slips his pants
on and approaches him threateningly.)


TIMOTHY
To... tomorrow then! Seven in the morning!


GEOFFREY
Absolutely not! I awake at twelve. At the earliest.


(GEOFFREY rubs his chin as he ponders.)


GEOFFREY
Hm... What about sometime in the evening?


TIMOTHY
I work until ten at night, and after work, I will be exhausted you... you selfish man.


GEOFFREY
Selfish?!


TIMOTHY
Yes. Selfish! An evening duel? Who do you think you are? I am a morning man just like
any sane man.


GEOFFREY
You broke into my house!


TIMOTHY
Yes, because I love Eve. She is my mistress.


GEOFFREY
She is my wife!


(GEOFFREY paces back and forth,
thinking.)


GEOFFREY
We obviously must discuss the date and time of this duel more thoroughly after we've
had some food in our stomachs. Not that you have one...


TIMOTHY
Timothy. Timothy Fine... man.


(TIMOTHY winks and smiles at the
audience then looks back at GEOFFREY.)


TIMOTHY
And you, the man I will kill?


GEOFFREY
Teabourne. Geoffrey Teabourne. How did you find my house?


TIMOTHY
I saw you holding hands with my beloved Eve in town, and I got suspicious. I followed
you two back here.


GEOFFREY
Okay. Then why did you decide to break in after we had already started having sex?
Couldn't you have confronted us earlier? Say when I was telling Eve how I wanted to
smell the aroma flowing from under her dress?


TIMOTHY
I... I thought I should give you one last opportunity to be in coitus with my love.


(TIMOTHY approaches the spot where
GEOFFREY was humping. He kneels.)


TIMOTHY
I love you so much, my darling. Your smell captivates me.


GEOFFREY
Who do you speak to? Eve had walked across the other side of the room after you came in.


TIMOTHY
You lie!


GEOFFREY
I do not! I will make love to her right now. You'll see.


(GEOFFREY walks to the left side of the
stage, takes his pants off, and proceeds to
hump the floor. TIMOTHY laughs.)


TIMOTHY
Ha! You're making love to the floor. I suppose a duel is not necessary.


GEOFFREY
Oh, yes. I enjoy it in that particular spot! Yes! Very exceptional! I respect your work! I respect your work!


TIMOTHY
You... You're trying to make me jealous, aren't you, Teabourne?


GEOFFREY
You are so visually appealing. Yes!


TIMOTHY
Fine. Continue to act as if you are making love to Eve. I will do... enjoyable things with the real Eve.


(Still kneeling, TIMOTHY unzips his pants
and looks at the imaginary woman.)


TIMOTHY
Go on, Eve.... Touch it.


GEOFFREY
Oh my! Eve, you are touching it too much, but I'm perfectly fine with it!


TIMOTHY
Please, Eve.... I know your husband is across the room having sex with the floor, and yes, it's making me a little nervous, but I adore you and you should touch my body. We'll do it without the ladle this time.


(TIMOTHY tilts his head back with his eyes
closed in pleasure.)


TIMOTHY
What wonderful feeling! Profound!


GEOFFREY
Revelatory!


TIMOTHY
I shall enter you now.


(TIMOTHY pulls down his pants and
humps the floor just as GEOFFREY is
across the stage. They moan and pant
heavily. After a moment, GEOFFREY and
TIMOTHY both get up, pull their pants up,
and walk center stage. They look serious.)


TIMOTHY
That was the end of our play. This was a serious problem many men from the 18th century and today, many men face the same problem.


GEOFFREY
The kids call it humping the air or the floor, but it's a serious disease called Air Fucking Syndrome.


TIMOTHY
I wrote this play for the men in my family from this generation and generations before. All the men in my family have suffered this vicious disease. Shit... I'll be right back.


(TIMOTHY walks towards the back and
humps the curtains with his fist pumping in
the air. GEOFFREY looks very
uncomfortable. He whispers to someone
offstage.)


GEOFFREY
Jason. Jason! What the hell do I do?


TIMOTHY
This is nice. This is... good sensation throughout all... my body.


GEOFFREY
Jason!


CURTAIN.