Roommates

By

Amy Saul-Zerby

INT. APARTMENT

GIRL walks into her kitchen happily. She opens the oven, removing a batch of delicious cookies. She places the tray on the stove to cool. As she is about to leave she notices a Post-It note posted above the trashcan.

ROOMMATE V.O.

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE OUT THE TRASH?  I TAKE IT OUT EVERY TIME.  THANKS!

GIRL makes a face.  She throws the note in the trash and takes it out.

INT. KITCHEN

GIRL walks into the kitchen again.  On the counter there is a plate with some tin foil laying on top of it.  There is a post-it saying, “Help yourself! :-)”

ROOMMATE V.O.

Help yourself!

GIRL removes the tin foil to find old pancakes.  She picks one up, and gently knocks it against the plate.  It is rock solid.  GIRL makes a face, then gets an idea.  She puts the old pancake back on the plate and replaces the tin foil. She opens her purse, pulls out a Sharpie and a sticky note, and starts writing. She posts the note on the cupboard overhanging the old pancakes.  It reads,

GIRL V.O.

Could you please not leave out days-old food trash?  It will attract ants.  Thanks.

GIRL looks pleased with herself.

INT. KITCHEN

ROOMMATE walks into the kitchen happily to get a snack.  She sees the note above the old pancakes.  She gasps and makes an angry, annoyed face.  She throws the note in the trash along with the pancakes.

She looks around the kitchen, sees a dirty frying pan on the stove, and smiles.

INT. KITCHEN

GIRL walks into the kitchen, sees a note above the stove by the frying pan.

ROOMMATE V.O.

COULD YOU PLEASE WASH YOUR DISHES RIGHT AFTER YOU USE THEM?  I AM NOT YOUR MAID.  THANKS.  PS:  GREASY PANS ALSO ATTRACT INSECTS.

GIRL sighs exasperatedly.  She washes the pan, scrubbing angrily.  She looks around the kitchen, sees a plastic bottle in the trash, and smiles.

INT. KITCHEN

ROOMMATE walks into the kitchen.  There is a note above the trashcan.

GIRL V.O.

Can you please RECYCLE your RECYCLABLES instead of putting them in the trash?  It is irresponsible and shows a gross lack of concern for the environment.  I would not have expected this even from you.  THANKS.

INT. BATHROOM

GIRL walks into the bathroom.  There is a sticky note on the mirror.

ROOMMATE V.O.

SINCE YOU ARE SO CONCERNED ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT, PERHAPS YOU COULD RECYCLE YOUR EMPTY SHAMPOO BOTTLES. I DON’T KNOW HOW YOUR MOTHER RAISED YOU, BUT IN MY HOUSE WHEN A DISH WAS DIRTY WE CLEANED IT AND WHEN A SHAMPOO BOTTLE WAS EMPTY WE REMOVED IT. FURTHERMORE, SINCE YOUR SHAMPOO BOTTLE HAS BEEN EMPTY ALL WEEK, I WONDER WHAT YOU ARE USING TO WASH YOUR HAIR.  I KNOW YOU WOULDN’T DARE TO STEAL MY SHAMPOO BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO LAZY OR CHEAP TO BUY A NEW BOTTLE.  –THANKS.

INT. BATHROOM

ROOMMATE walks into the bathroom.  There is sticky note on the mirror.

GIRL V.O.

Could you please tell your boyfriend to clean the drain after he showers?   There are curly black hairs in there which I suspect are not all from his head.  I am beyond disgusted. I did not sign up to be Chad’s roommate or his maid.  THANKS.

INT. BATHROOM

GIRL walks into the bathroom.  There is a sticky note on the mirror.

ROOMMATE V.O.

I’M SORRY THAT MY HAVING A BOYFRIEND OFFENDS YOU.  PERHAPS IF YOU HAD EVER HAD ONE, YOU WOULD NOT FEEL THE NEED TO BE SUCH A JEALOUS BITCH ABOUT IT.

INT. BATHROOM

ROOMMATE walks into the bathroom.  There is a note on the mirror.

GIRL V.O.

Wow, you’ve really sunk to a new low.  To imply that I am jealous of your gross, unattractive boyfriend is laughable. (Hah).  I find your name-calling childish and characteristically immature - you fucking skank.  PS:  I’m moving out at the end of the month. Hopefully my next roommate won’t be such a passive aggressive whore.  PPS:  I’ve been using your precious overpriced shampoo LIBERALLY.

INT. BATHROOM

GIRL walks into the bathroom.  There is a note on the mirror.

ROOMMATE V.O.

I’M SORRY YOU FEEL YOU HAVE TO LEAVE.  YOU WILL BE DEARLY MISSED.  PS:  KEVIN HAS BEEN USING YOUR RAZOR TO SHAVE HIS PUBES.  PPS:  Can I have the recipe for those peanut butter oatmeal cookies you always make?

INT. HALLWAY

GIRL walks into the hallway and places a box of things on a table. She is moving out. She goes to her room and returns with a piece of paper and an unseen object. She places the paper on the table with her key. It is titled “Cookie Recipe”. The girl takes one last look at her apartment and places the object, a framed picture of her and her ex-roommate, in the box.

FADE TO BLACK.