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** Just a little short film I wrote **


INT. SLEEPY SAM’S - DAY

It’s an old, simple, sickly-lit, warehouse-style showroom
with wall to wall, naked beds. Some set up to lay on, even
more stacked vertically against the wall. A few bug-like
people slowly crawl along the troughs created by the phalanx
formation of mattresses set up throughout the warehouse.
Some of these bugs find there way on top of the mattresses,
giving them the obligatory bounce. Two of these such bugs
are being escorted by a sad looking man, KEVIN, wearing a
pale yellow polo and khakis. We get the idea he works here,
begrudgingly. The WOMAN Kevin is escorting spots a bed she
likes and runs her hand across it. You get the idea that
this may be the most exciting part of this couple’s month,
though they wear it like they’re at a funeral.

WOMAN
What do you think, Carl? This one’s
kind of nice isn’t it?

CARL
Yeah this one kind of pops doesn’t
it?

It doesn’t.

KEVIN
This is the Sleepy Sam’s Dreamer.
It has a pillow top and independent
coils to keep you from waking your
partner. It’s one of our top
sellers.

It isn’t.

WOMAN
Yeah that’s nice. That’s nice.

The loudest sound in this showroom is the fluorescent
lights. The Woman begins to heave herself on top of the
mattress. The plastic that covers it crinkles with her every
movement. She squirms and adjusts, making sure to test every
possible sleep position. This goes on for a while without
any conversation.

WOMAN (cont’d)
Yeah I like this. So this is the
Dream Sleeper?

KEVIN
Sleepy Sam’s Dreamer.




2.



WOMAN
And that other one was Sam’s
Shiner?

KEVIN
The Rise and Shine.

WOMAN
(To Carl)
Yeah Sam’s Shiner was just too hard
wasn’t it?

KEVIN
The Rise and Shine. Yes it’s
firmer.

CARL
Yeah that was like a block of wood,
I don’t understand why you have to
make them so hard. I get why you
call it the Shiner, you wake up
with a good one after sleeping on
that for a night.

KEVIN
It’s the Rise and Shine. I don’t
make them, and there are some
people that like a firmer mattress.

WOMAN
What people? I don’t understand
that at all. Do you sell any of
those? Why would you have them?

KEVIN
Yes they sell.

WOMAN
Well I can’t imagine to who.

It’s silent for a while as the Kevin stares at the woman
seeming to look to him for the answers.

WOMAN (cont’d)
Well, I like soft and so does Carl.

She lays down and rubs her hands across the plastic for a
moment.

WOMAN (cont’d)
Does it come with the plastic?




3.



KEVIN
Um, yes the plastic is there to
keep it clean until you bring it
home to use.

WOMAN
That’s kind of nice. I like the
plastic. What do you think, Carl,
you like the plastic?

KEVIN
It’s just for shipping that’s--

CARL
(Feeling the plastic)
Yeah it’s nice plastic.

WOMAN
The Shiner didn’t have plastic like
this on it.

KEVIN
It’s the Rise and Shine and we took
the plastic off of that one a while
back.

WOMAN
Oh so it does come with plastic?

KEVIN
(Beat)
Yes. It comes with plastic, for
shipping.

WOMAN
I like the plastic, it’ll keep all
the messes off of it.

KEVIN
ALL the messes... what--

CARL
If there’s a hole in the plastic
can we bring it back?

KEVIN
We have plenty in the back so I’ll
gladly replace it.

CARL
Can you do it for free?




4.


KEVIN
Tell you what. If you get that
mattress today I’ll replace the
plastic for free for as long as you
have the mattress.

CARL
That ain’t bad, what do you think
Hun?

WOMAN
I think that sounds nice, we’ll
take it.

KEVIN
(Finally it’s over!)
Great, let me get it set up for
you.

WOMAN
Well, wait. Carl, didn’t Dr. Davis
say something about sleeping on a
firmer mattress?

CARL
Oh yes I seem to remember something
about that.

WOMAN
Do you have any firmer mattresses?

KEVIN
(Fuck)
Yes, we have the Rise and Shine.

WOMAN
Can we see that one?

KEVIN
We were just--yes, yes right this
way.


INT. SLEEPY SAM’S - LATER

KEVIN is at the cash register, filling out the sheet for his
latest sale. DEVIN, an athletic, confident a-hole comes up
behind him and gives him an unnecessarily hard slap on the
back.

DEVIN
Hey Kev! Got yourself a sale there,
huh?



5.



KEVIN
Yeah it’s just for--

DEVIN
Let me take a peep at that.

Devin snatches the sales slip from Kevin’s hand. A magazine
clipping of a scenic picture of California falls out of his
hand.

DEVIN (cont’d)
What’s this? Nudy magazine clip?
Gotta stay motivated somehow, huh?

KEVIN
(Snatching back the magazine
clip)
No, it’s a picture of California.

DEVIN
Why you got that?

KEVIN
I don’t know, I like it, who cares?

DEVIN
Buncha weirdos out there if you ask
me.

Devin looks back to the sales slip.

DEVIN (cont’d)
See you sold the Dreamer, lowest
margin mattress we have here
but--Whoa! Where’s the warranty,
Kev?

KEVIN
They were old and didn’t--

DEVIN
C’mon Kev! That’s an easy sale!
Especially on the Dreamer. What
happens if they rip that pillow
top? Did you ask them that?

KEVIN
They seemed like they’d take good
care of it.

DEVIN
They have pets?



6.



KEVIN
Not that I know of.

DEVIN
Well these are things you need to
know, Kev. You gotta qualify your
customer.

KEVIN
Yeah I--

DEVIN
Wanna know how many mattresses I’ve
sold today?

KEVIN
How--

DEVIN
Seven! All with the warranty. Wanna
know how I look at it?

KEVIN
No--

DEVIN
We don’t sell mattresses here.

KEVIN
But it’s a mattress--

DEVIN
We sell warranties, that come with
mattresses. How do you think I got
that brand new Camry out there?

KEVIN
It’s a used Camry.

DEVIN
It’s new to me! And it’s a
Certified Pre-Owned, not used.

KEVIN
That’s the same thing--

DEVIN
Warranties. Sell them. You like
money don’t you? Wanna move out to
California and be a weirdo? Get
money, get paid.




7.



KEVIN
That doesn’t make sense--

Devin gives Kevin another hardy slap on the back and leaves.

DEVIN
(Walking away toward some
customers)
Get money, get paid, selling crap
will get you laid. Here we go! Hi,
how can I help you folks today?


EXT. SLEEPY SAM’S - NIGHT

KEVIN locks the door, walking away unfulfilled.


EXT. BUS STOP - NIGHT

KEVIN is sitting at the bus stop, alone.


INT. KEVIN’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

KEVIN is brushing his teeth getting ready for bed.

CUT TO

Kevin is pouring tea for himself.

CUT TO

Kevin is at his computer, coding.

CUT TO

Kevin is in bed with his bedside table light on. He’s
staring at his magazine clipping of California. After a
while he puts the clipping back down and turns out the
light.


INT. KEVIN’S APARTMENT - MORNING

An alarm goes off and KEVIN’s hand sloppily turns it off.

CUT TO

Kevin is fixing himself his usual coffee, two eggs and
toast.

CUT TO


8.



Kevin is sitting at the table, staring out into the middle
distance consuming his everyday meal.

CUT TO

Kevin is brushing his teeth.

CUT TO

Kevin is putting on his pale yellow polo.


EXT. BUS STOP - MORNING

KEVIN is sitting at the bus stop, alone.


INT. SLEEPY SAM’S - DAY

KEVIN is handing WOMAN and CARL another plastic wrap for
their mattress and they leave, he did promise them after
all. DEVIN comes up beside KEVIN dancing a little bit.

DEVIN
What’s up, Kev?

KEVIN
(Not looking at Devin)
Hey.

DEVIN
Guess what I’m up to?

KEVIN
I don’t know, Devin, what?

DEVIN
8.

KEVIN
(Couldn’t give a shit)
Wow, Devin, that’s a lot of
mattresses.

DEVIN
No, 8, is my excitement level, 10
is the amount of mattresses I’ve
sold today. Store record!

KEVIN
Let me guess, all with warranty?




9.



DEVIN
You bet your ass all with warranty.

Devin slaps Kevin’s ass.

DEVIN (cont’d)
I just brought your excitement from
a 2 to a 4.

KEVIN
Yep sure did, the roof’s about to
blow off this place.

DEVIN
That’s the G-D spirit, Kevin!

Devin starts to dance away.

DEVIN (cont’d)
The roof is blowing OFF this place!
Turn that music up!

The store music gets turned up a bit, there’s nothing more
underwhelming. It’s elevator music.

As Kevin is situating the cash register area, CINDY, a
beautiful 20 something walks in and up to Kevin.

CINDY
Hi, do you work here?

KEVIN
I didn’t at first but I started
showing up here enough that they
gave me a shirt.

Kevin laughs, Cindy looks at him blankly.

KEVIN (cont’d)
Yes, yes I do.

CINDY
I was wondering if you could help
me.

KEVIN
If you’re having trouble sleeping,
I have some extra sheep in the
back.

Another joke falls flat.




10.



CINDY
No, no I can sleep just fine.

KEVIN
Great, good to hear.

CINDY
I’m moving and I need to get rid of
my mattress, I was wondering if you
guys did any kind of recycling or
donation type thing?

KEVIN
Oh where you moving to?

CINDY
California, I just finished my
computer engineering degree and I’m
heading out there to work with a
start-up.

KEVIN
Oh, oh wow! That’s so cool. I do a
little programming myself. Nothing
major just some little apps here
and there to pass the time.

CINDY
Oh that’s great, so this isn’t your
main thing.

KEVIN
Oh no. Well, hopefully not. I do
work here full time but I’m kind of
hoping for the same thing you’re
doing, actually.

CINDY
Oh, great. Well good luck with it.

KEVIN
Yeah, thanks! You too.

They stare at each other for a while.

CINDY
So...

KEVIN
Oh! Yes, of course sorry!

Kevin grabs a slip from under the counter.



11.



KEVIN (cont’d)
Just fill this out and bring it
back with your mattress and we’ll
take care of it for you.

CINDY
Great, thanks!

Cindy heads out the door.

CINDY (cont’d)
And good luck again! Don’t get
stuck here forever!

KEVIN
You too! I mean, the good luck
part. You’ve already
escaped--you’re escaping! Ahhh some
one catch her--I’ll shut up this is
embarassing.

Cindy has already begun driving away. Kevin watches as she
goes. As he watches her, that glimmer of excitement peters
out and the sadness of his everyday trap washes back over.
Devin approaches from behind. Kevin doesn’t acknowledge him.

DEVIN
Who was that bangin’ babe, Kev? You
get her number or what? Better yet
you sell her a warranty?

Camera pushes in on Kevin’s face as Devin rambles on.

DEVIN (cont’d)
THAT’ll get you laid, man. Sell a
girl on a good mattress, tell her
the warranty will protect against
one of those springs popping loose
so when you’re railing her she
doesn’t have to worry about that
premo bed she just got. I can’t
tell you how many times I’ve gotten
laid with that pitch--

A realization sparks up in Kevin’s face.

KEVIN
I quit.







12.



EXT. SLEEPY SAM’S - DAY

KEVIN walks out of Sleepy Sam’s with a smile on his face. He
peels off his pale yellow polo and tosses it in the trash. A
load is visibly lifted. He takes a look in one direction,
then looks in the direction CINDY drove off in.

SMASH TO BLACK

END












































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INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

BRIAN (the leader), DAVE (the brains) and SAM are sitting in
a dusty and dimly lit basement. Maps and building layouts
are pinned to the walls. They’re planning something.

BRIAN
So I think we have our target for
tomorrow. I’ve scoped out the bank
on 34th, they have a big drop
coming in tomorrow morning so right
after that, as the guards head out,
I think that’s our best opportunity
to knock it over.

DAVE
If this drop is anywhere near the
size of their previous drops, this
could be our biggest score yet.

Sam, the over-excited simpleton chimes in.

SAM
Gonna score so hard!

Brian and Dave look at him for a beat, then...

BRIAN
Ok, let’s go over the order of
operations. Sam and I approach the
entrance from the south-east side.

DAVE
I take out the silent alarms and
video feed on the rooftop.

BRIAN
Sam and I pull on our masks just
before we enter the bank--

SAM
And then I reach into my pants and
pull out my steely, hard piece
ready to empty it’s load!!

Brian and Dave pause and look at Sam.

BRIAN
Yes. We’ll pull out our guns and
have everyone get on the floor.





2.



DAVE
I’ll enter through the roof and
make my way to the safe.

BRIAN
Sam and I will provide cover and
prevent anyone from making any
calls--

SAM
And if anyone acts up I’ll slip my
metal shaft in their mouth and
threaten to blow if they don’t
behave!!

Again, Brian and Dave take a minute to make sense of what
Sam is saying.

BRIAN
You’ll... threaten them with your
gun if they try to call the police,
right.

SAM
Threaten them right in their
mouths!

Dave tries to continue.

DAVE
So at last test, the safe cracker
will take approximately 6 minutes
to decipher the combination. After
that we’ll be in.

BRIAN
I’ll come to the safe with the bags
and help you load all the cash.
Sam, you’ll be keeping cover in the
main area, making sure everyone
stays put and--

SAM
Yeah!! I’ll keep them all face down
as I walk around fondling my piece
just below the shaft, admiring it’s
power. Then I’ll lightly drag the
tip across the back of their heads
so they can feel what I’m working
with. Heavy, hard — Some of them
won’t be able to help themselves
and they’ll have to take a peek. I
don’t blame them, I can’t go a


3.



SAM
second without looking at it —
then I have to play with it. And if
any of them try to reach for it
I’ll shove it up their AA--

BRIAN
SAM! Jesus Christ, man! What are we
talking about here?

SAM
My piece.

BRIAN
Your piece, as in your gun?

SAM
My screamer.

DAVE
Oh boy.

SAM
You know, I use it, makes them
scream.

BRIAN
Still being very unclear here. Are
we talking about your gun?

SAM
Yeah my rod.

BRIAN
Your gun.

SAM
My banger.

BRIAN
Your gun.

SAM
My spewer.

DAVE
What the f--

SAM
It spews them out--





4.



BRIAN
Call it a gun! Just a gun, nothing
else.

SAM
My ram--

BRIAN
GUN!

SAM
Gun.

BRIAN
Thank you. And please we don’t need
you to include all the suggestive,
graphic grosseness. Just say "Yeah
I’ll cover them and shoot them if
they move."

SAM
Yeah I’ll cover them and shoot them
if they move.

BRIAN
Thank you--

SAM
With my rock hard--

DAVE AND SAM
SAM!

SAM
Gun.


INT. BANK - DAY

BRIAN and SAM bust in through the front doors guns held out.

BRIAN
Everyone on the floor! Nobody move!

SAM
If you move I’ll thrust my rock
hard shaft down your throat and
make you swallow it!!

EVERYONE pauses. A sea of deer in headlights are fixed on
the assailants in disbelief. We hear a soft "Eww" come from
the crowd. There’s a moment, then...



5.



BRIAN
God dammit, Sam.

Brian lowers his gun and leaves, embarrassed and defeated.
Sam is left by himself.

We then see DAVE zip down from the ceiling and leave out the
front door, following Sam.

DAVE
That’s so gross, man.

After a moment of being by himself, Sam slowly backs out of
the room.

SAM
It’s just... I just get excited...
about my rod--my
heater--gunload--gun. It’s a gun.

He finally makes his way out of the door.

END.































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In the states of Texas and Michigan, the legally blind are allowed to hunt with firearms.


 


But, I mean c'mon...


 


http://governor.state.tx.us/disabilities/resources/recreation/


 


http://www.michigan.gov/dnr/0,4570,7-153-10366_41825_51108-197553--,00.html

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EXT. MARKET SQUARE - DAY

There’s a little bit of hustle and bustle about the market,
but no more than a typical day. MONSIEUR DE GRANDPRE is
chatting and having a laugh with another TOWNSFOLK.

GRANDPRE
And if it keeps growing we might
just have to buy you a second hat.

Grandpre and the Townsfolk share in a laugh, though a bit
more awkwardly for the Townsfolk.

PIQUE (O.S.)
GRANDPRE!!! GRANDPRE!!!

Around the corner and through the splitting crowd comes
MONSIEUR LE PIQUE barreling toward Grandpre. The Townsfolk
Grandpre was speaking with scurries away as Pique reaches
his prey.

GRANDPRE
Ah Monsieur le Pique, still
breathing I see... barely. What can
I do for you?

PIQUE
You can DIE is what you can do for
me!

GRANDPRE
Oh is that all? Well I’ll need the
next fifty years or so to
deliberate and then I’ll make sure
I do my very best to fulfill your
wishes.

PIQUE
Oh cut it with your witty bullshit!

GRANDPRE
Well at least you can appreciate
wit.

PIQUE
What exactly do you think you’re
doing with Mademoiselle Tirevit?

GRANDPRE
Well let’s see. Going over the past
week we went out to dinner four
times, had breakfast the following
mornings with some desert in


2.


GRANDPRE
between. Desert being fornication
if you hadn’t already caught on.

PIQUE
You what?!

GRANDPRE
Fornicated—Oh do you not know what
that is? It’s when a two people
have strong feelings—

PIQUE
I know very well what it is because
we’ve been doing the same for the
last four months!

GRANDPRE
You... you what? But that’s when
I’ve been—

Grandpre is overcome by a full body "icky" shiver.

PIQUE
As she is the love of my life,
Grandpre, there is only one way to
settle this.

GRANDPRE
Yes. First I must take a shower and
then we shall go speak to her and
have her choose—

PIQUE
I challenge you to a duel!

GRANDPRE
A duel? Wait. With guns?

PIQUE
Yes with guns you idiot, what do
you think I wish to slap you to
death?

GRANDPRE
I’ve never shot a gun before, I
don’t know if I could—

Pique pulls out a gun and points it at Grandpre.

PIQUE
Or I could just kill you here.

Grandpre stares down the barrel in fear.


3.



GRANDPRE
Ok, fine. Where do we do this, is
it a ten steps turn and fire in the
town square here or...

PIQUE
We will duel in balloons!

GRANDPRE
(beat)
In balloons? Like the big ones up
in the air?

PIQUE
Yes like the big ones up in the
air, what, do you think I mean a
child’s toy?

GRANDPRE
I don’t know it just seems a bit,
you know, silly. Like, we could get
high up there and just pop each
other’s balloons and—

PIQUE
Only the grandest display is worthy
of the heart of our mutual love,
Tirevit! Up in the air for all to
see!

GRANDPRE
So you don’t think we could maybe,
just this once, stay on the ground?

Pique readies his pistol and points it back at Grandpre’s
forehead.

PIQUE
What, you mean like this?

GRANDPRE
Very well, then. Up in the balloons
we go... like a couple of
lunatics...


EXT. FIELD - LATER THAT DAY

A CROWD is gathered around two hot air balloons where PIQUE,
GRANDPRE and TIREVIT are standing. Inside each hot air
balloon basket is a loyal attendant, prepared to fly and
possibly die in the balloons.



4.



PIQUE
Ladies and Gentlemen! You are here
to witness the most noble of
battles.

GRANDPRE
(SOTO)
Insane is more like it.

PIQUE
A duel to the death for the love
and affection of the one
Madmoiselle Tirevit.

GRANDPRE
(SOTO)
I’m sure she could easily just tell
us.

The crowd "oooh’s" and "ahh’s" as Tirevit really plays up
how distraught she is over this event.

PIQUE
Though many battles like these have
taken place many times over the
years of our civilized people.

GRANDPRE
(SOTO)
If cavemen were civilized then
yeah, sure.

PIQUE
But none as extravagant as this!

GRANDPRE
(SOTO)
There’s a reason for that.

PIQUE
Only a duel of this level of danger
and skill is worthy of the fairest,
most beautiful lady on this earth.

Pique strokes the cheek of Tirevit to which Grandpre throws
up in his mouth a bit.

PIQUE (cont’d)
To the balloons!

The crowd applause as Pique and Grandpre get into their
baskets. As the balloons begin to take off, Grandpre sneaks
a wink at Tirevit. She returns the wink with a kiss as well.


5.



As the balloons rise, Pique stares down Grandpre as he
prepares his gun. The ridiculousness of this situation is
wearing away and the idea of death is starting to sink in
for Granpre. He readies his weapon.

The balloons reach the desired height for Pique and he
signals his pilot to stop, Grandpre’s does the same.

PIQUE (cont’d)
It ends here, Grandpre! May the
best man win!

The two men aim their guns at each other.

PIQUE (cont’d)
On the count of three! One!

Their eyes lock into one another.

PIQUE (cont’d)
Two!

Sweat is forming on the brow of Grandpre.

PIQUE (cont’d)
THREE!

Pique fires his weapon directly at Grandpre and misses. He
hurries to reload. Reloading takes a while. Grandpre is in
disbelief.

GRANDPRE
Really?! You shot AT me? You know
you could have just shot my balloon
and I qould have fallen to my
death. I even TOLD you! You really
are and idiot. I mean... incredible
Pique.

Grandpre aims his gun at Pique’s balloon and fires. It
bursts and Pique falls to his death.

GRANDPRE (cont’d)
(To his pilot)
I mean really though? He’s an idiot
right?

The pilot shrugs and nods.

GRANDPRE (cont’d)
Alright, shall we get down now?

END

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Loved mrfelixding's illustration so I turned it into a lil looping animation! Use it for all SORTS of stuff :)


 


AE file included... if that's really how that function works.

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I often find myself reminiscing on the times I wasn't a part of.

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