I finally had the chance to sit down and read over RegularJOE's first draft script based on themetafictionist's story "The Blue Dildo." Rather than remix the screenplay itself, I figured I'd just jot down some bullet point notes stating some thoughts and/or suggestions:

* I found the back-and-forth dialogue rather amusing between Rebecca and Mom. It was so ho-hum that you kept expecting something to come of their phone chats, and nothing ever does (beyond the usual chit-chat, that is.) I liked that. A lot. This puts more weight on the casting of Mom, as she is a bit of a prober on the phone. I think her tone should include some subtle motherly concern during each call and maybe more resistence from Rebecca to chat and the Mom kind of backs off, but returns to probing (as Moms tend to do from time-to-time.)

* I envisioned Mom being in a much more relaxed environment than Rebecca while on the phone each time. Perhaps she's sitting comfortably in her living room during one chat, calmly stirring soup during another. But in Rebecca's apartment there's a more stressful and urgent feel. Maybe Rebecca's unpacking heavy bags of groceries while talking, or doing laundry, or feeding her cat; essentially multitasking while having these chats, and her activities are adding to the stress (and keeping the pcing up a bit while Mom is seen in a very relaxed environment, with warmer lighting and a static camera shot (perhaps it's handheld over at Rachel's.)

* It could be interesting to have some suspicious background extras around Rebecca's neighborhood as the tension builds during her walks to the doorstep. Maybe she has a dorky middle aged man with those aviator eyeglasses and a pressed dress shirt that watches her walk to the doorstep. Or there's a scruffy mailman that looks like a pervert. These side characters could help establish some justified paranoia and make the walk to the doorsteps more involving (and darkly funny.)

* I thought of Brian De Palma when I was reading the stalker POV scenes. There are some great examples of these kinds of shots in "Blow Out" and "The Untouchables" (as in they are one continuous take rather than cut going in and out of the house.) Just a thought on visual style for this part.

* The scene where the stalker is revealed was a bit confusing. The cut to black might have been more effective if we got a sense of what had happened from the following scene with Mom. If the reveal of the stalker is played for laughs then it would work, but if he's just a dude in a gray sweatsuit standing there (followed by a cut to black) then I think it would need to be expanded upon. I actually was wondering why the stalker was shown if nothing seemed to happen.

* The final scene is a bit anticlimactic as it currently stands. It works in the sense that we, the audience, have to imagine what will come next. But I was intrigued by the presence of the father. I imagined him to be a bit aloof (kind of like Alan Arkin in "Edward Scissorhands.") I was picturing him being the type of guy that would remark "Is that a blue dildo on the table?" and go grab a can of beer and head over to watch the tube like it's no big deal. I guess I'm hoping for a pay-off at the end involving the family. You get the funny scene with the brother, but I'm thinking a clueless father making a statement like the one above would make this end on a strange tip.

* Overall, I like how it's a suspense short film that seems to draw the audience in while most of the action occurs between Rebecca and Mom - on the phone. I think that's funny in an offbeat way. Their relationship (with Rebecca consistently short with her often-probing Mom) seems like a nice set up for the humor toward the end coming from scenes with the brother and the father. For some reason I just see those two prime for some scene-stealing cameos at the end (especially if there's the braindead father asking if theres a blue dildo on the table as the final scene.) I don't know, that's just one way I see it going.

* This is coming along great and I think it's especially interesting to play with a genre like a thriller and add comedic elements.

Anyone have any feedback to these thoughts/suggestions?

:)