I know the deadline for contributing feedback on edwardtheninth's VO drafts was last Thursday, but I wanted to offer a really quick suggestion on the options that were given. I think, in the case of a TV commercial spot, simple is better in terms of language. Commercials, no matter how well made or meaningful, are often partially background noise. You want to get people's attention, but remember that they may be conditioned to only partially listen. So the simpler the better- clear and meaningful prose is best. That means some of the more meandering and imagistic options- no matter how elegant- aren't going to work as well.
I would suggest a combination of option 1B and option 2. My draft would read as follows:
Sometimes there's that moment,
When the last thing is over, and the next is yet to start.
That's the moment. That's the one.
You never know where you'll find them, or how.
The truth is, they're everywhere - these fleeting moments - and then they're gone.
(It may be slightly too long, but I'm sure a work-around for that is possible.)
I meant to write and post this on August 31, the actual anniversary of my joining HitRECord—but that coincided with my first day of work at a new job placement. I didn’t want to...