I've always been kind of a late bloomer. I've always kind of figured out and experienced things a few years after most people do. You think I would learn from my friends mistakes because I've been late to every party I have ever been invited to. But no, I was just as dumb as everyone else.

I was twenty years old. I had just moved in with my first girlfriend and had just inherited ten thousand dollars from my grandma passing away six months before this. I don't regret many things that I've done in my life but I do regret the way I wasted the money that I inherited from her. She was a wonderful person and really did a lot for my family when we were going through some hard times.

The first month of living with my girlfriend that I had literally only known for three weeks was great. We were still in the honeymoon faze so we were having nothing but good times. Just constantly boning all over the apartment. It was great. I felt bad when my friends came over and sat on our couch but oh well.

My girlfriend had just quit her job about a week before we moved in together so I fronted the deposit and the first month's rent. Which was no big deal cause I had ten grand. Of course we had to furnish our new apartment so we went to Ikea and bought a brand new bed and some new dishes and a couple of new book cases. It was no big deal because I had ten grand. Oh and I started paying her car payment and insurance. It was no bid deal though because, well you get the picture.

So about three weeks into living together the honeymoon period kind of started to die out. You know when you start really voicing your opinion about things and when you get into your first big fight. When you start farting in front of each other or realize for the first time that your girlfriend is a raging alcoholic.

That's right, she basically got black out drunk every night of the week. I mean I was twenty actually twenty one at that point so I was all about drinking and having a good time. But not like her. To make matters worse she somehow had an unlimited supply of Xanax too.

What started out as something fun turned into a nightmare that was my reality every single night. It wasn't her screaming or throwing and breaking things around the house that really got to me though. It was her sleep walking and peeing in random places in the apartment that I couldn't take.

That's right, she would get black out drunk and start pissing all over the place in the middle of the night. At first I would wake up in the morning and step in little puddles around our bedroom or living room and pass it off as something she or I must have spilled the night before and just not cleaned up.

But as this continued I began to wake up at night when she would get up and I would follow her around and watch her squat down and start peeing right in the middle of the room. I watched her pee in the bedroom, the living room, in the bathroom on the ground next to the toilet and one time she even peed in the dish washer. You don't want to know how that worked.

The next morning I would tell her about it and she would tell me that she had no recollection of it happening.  Things were really going sour at this point in our relationship.  I was determined to make this relationship work though, I wasn't going to fail like my parents did.

She recognized that she had a drinking problem and constantly promised to stop drinking. But night after night she would somehow convince me to go buy booze for her. Sadly the only way for me to really deal with the whole situation was to get drunk too.

So we were about two and a half months into living together at this point and all of my inheritance was gone. Where the hell did all of my money go? It's really easy to spend ten thousand dollars in two months  when your paying for rent,  a car payment, car insurance, gas, two cell phone bills, groceries and non stop booze for two. I had to get a full time job cleaning carpets just to get by because my part time job at the music venue just wasn't cutting it anymore.

So one night after I had worked for ten hours straight. I came home and my girlfriend was already passed out drunk in the bed. I had a few beers and stayed up for a little bit watching a movie before eventually retiring to bed.

At about three in the morning I woke up for some reason and couldn't go back to sleep. As I laid there wide awake, my girlfriend sat up all of the sudden and got on top of me. “Alright!” I thought to myself. We hadn't had sex in a couple of weeks so I was pretty excited at this point. I start to feel this warm sensation so I think “OK! She's ready. Let's do this.” But then I realized that I wasn't feeling a sexy warm sensation.

My girlfriend was peeing on me!!!

Now I'm not a violent person at all but I threw her off the bed and as she tumbled onto the floor I screamed, “why the fuck did you just pee on me?!” And she replied with “Because you always fucking judge me!”

She had this thing about how I always judged her. Which maybe she came up with because she was always shit faced and I wasn't. Who knows. All I know is that I had to get the fuck out of there.

I was honestly going to take this story to my grave. But the next day I had a couple friends over and she of course got drunk and told them about it and then they in turn told the rest of my circle of friends. Yeah some great friends, right?

But that wasn't honestly the last straw. It wasn't until about a week later that she went to visit and stay with a friend of hers about an hour away from where we lived. She kept calling me drunk that night threatening me that if I was still in the house when she got back that she was going to stab me in my sleep. So I said OK, that's it.

So I called my friend at one in the morning , yeah the one that had told everyone about my little horror story. I called him up and said, “you owe me mother fucker!” So he came out in the middle of the night and helped me move all of my stuff back to my dad's house.

But that's not where the story ends. You can never make a clean break from a relationship. You break up with someone but still kind of hook up or hang out with each other for a couple of weeks. Even though things obviously weren't going to work out and were totally fucked up, you just aren't ready to be single again. Because being single can get really lonely sometimes and can suck worse than a shitty relationship. 

But eventually we broke it off completely and I haven't honestly talked to her in about six years. I realized after this though that alcoholism was no laughing matter and that she had a serious problem. I really hope that she got the help she needed. I never allowed myself to be taken advantage of again after that. Not that I really could anymore because I was broke. But from then on I was also able to recognize alcoholic behavior in people better so I wouldn't have to go down that dark path again with someone else. But I still look back and laugh about the whole thing sometimes though. I mean come on!

I got fucking peed on!

[I know my grammar and puncuation are total shit so I apolagize for that. That's why there are editors, right? I would have done a video but my good computer is in hospital right now. This is 100% a true story. Nothing exagerated or made up.]

REMIX!!!