Be gentle, it's my first time...

INT. CINEMA - NIGHT

FIRST GUY sidesteps through the row and takes a seat. Numerous couples are getting cosy at every turn. He places his popcorn on his lap and settles in, staring ahead. After a few moments SECOND GUY shuffles down the same row and sits in the chair beside First Guy. They briefly look at one another and nod politely before turning back to the cinema screen. After a pause Second Guy takes another slow look at First Guy. He slowly moves his leg so that it's against First Guy’s, who glances down and thinks nothing of it. Second Guy sits his hand on First Guy’s knee, leaving it there before sliding it downward. First Guy clears his throat.

SECOND GUY

Huh?

First Guy nods towards his leg. Second Guy takes his hand away quickly.

SECOND GUY

Oh, i'm sorry; I thought that was my leg.

First Guy bears a quizzical expression for a moment, but lets it slide and looks forward. Second Guy waits a few seconds before doing it again.

FIRST GUY

(without batting an eyelid)

My leg.

SECOND GUY

Oops.

Second Guy puts his hand in his lap.

FIRST GUY

Do you always caress your own leg like that?

SECOND GUY

Um...well, I...I don't...sssh.

Second Guy looks away. First Guy rolls his eyes and does the same. A few more seconds pass, then Second Guy yawns with exaggeration and stretches, placing his arm behind First Guy’s shoulders. First Guy begins to feel nervous, squirming in his seat. Second Guy waits and starts to stroke First Guy’s hair softly. Second Guy clenches his jaw, his patience wearing thin. He finally snaps when Second Guy’s hand swoops down the front of his shirt.

FIRST GUY

(pulling the hand out)

Oh, come on!

SECOND GUY

I'm sorry, it's a condition I have; I have no control over my hand.

FIRST GUY

Bullshit!

SECOND GUY

No, it's almost like it's got a mind of its own. See?

Second Guy flops his hand around limply, slapping himself, making hand puppets etc.

FIRST GUY

Look, just keep it away from me, all right?

SECOND GUY

Right.

They sit in silence for a while, but then his hand goes into action once again.

SECOND GUY

Honestly, it's completely uncontrollable; it'll do the strangest things sometimes.

He grabs a drink and "accidentally" spills it on the crotch of First Guy’s trousers. He is mortified.

FIRST GUY

Bloody Hell!

SECOND GUY

Sorry, my mistake!

FIRST GUY

This suit's a rental! I can't get my deposit back now!

SECOND GUY

I'm so sorry. Here, i'll clean it up for you.

FIRST GUY

I can dry myself, thank you. But they're pretty much ruined, anyway.

SECOND GUY

No, no, don't be ridiculous; no-one should be made to sit in sticky pants. Tell you what, have mine.

Second Guy unzips his trousers and starts pulling them down his legs. First Guy is shocked.

FIRST GUY

Oh! Oh, Jesus, don't do that!

SECOND GUY

No, no, it's perfectly all right, I don't mind. Here you go.

He puts his discarded trousers onto First Guy’s lap. First Guy grabs them and sits them on Second Guy’s lap to cover him up, his jaw dropped.

SECOND GUY

Hmmm, your shirt looks a bit damp as well. Not to worry!

He starts unbuttoning his shirt.

FIRST GUY

What the hell do you think you're doing?! Is there something wrong with you?

SECOND GUY

Absolutely not. I'm in perfect shape. Feel my abs, they're really firm.

FIRST GUY

I most certainly will not!

SECOND GUY

You can tell just by looking at them, eh? Now, let's get these wet clothes off you.

First Guy jumps to his feet.

FIRST GUY

NO, you stop right there! I know what you're trying to do! You're trying to seduce me...and let me tell you, buddy, it won't work!

SECOND GUY

Why not?

FIRST GUY

...Because you're doing it all wrong, that's why not!

SECOND GUY

(confused)

Really?

FIRST GUY

(sitting back down)

Yeah, the whole spilling-the-drink thing? Trying to tear off my clothes? It's really creepy, man. It's borderline rape, in fact.

SECOND GUY

Look, i'm really sorry, but i'm new to this whole thing.

FIRST GUY

That's obvious. Well, let me show you a few things. First of all, you came in with the yawn-and-stretch far too early in the act. You must always start with subtlety, testing the water, so to speak.

SECOND GUY

Subtlety. Got it.

FIRST GUY

Sit in a relaxed position, like you're watching the movie. Loosen up. Don't look so eager, that's a real turn-off.

First Guy demonstrates, folding his arms and nodding for Second Guy to do the same. Second Guy follows, but after a moment First Guy starts stroking Second Guy’s arm.

SECOND GUY

Hey, that’s a good one.

FIRST GUY

Sometimes less is more. Remember that. Then if you have some popcorn handy, as I do, place it between you. Then when the person beside you reaches for it, you do the same, so your fingers brush together.

SECOND GUY

That's clever.

FIRST GUY

Then you launch into the yawn-and-stretch, after you've done the arm and the popcorn and whatnot. It's crucial that you get the order right, and also, timing is everything.

SECOND GUY

Well, that was really helpful. Thanks a lot.

FIRST GUY

Any time. Now give it a try.

SECOND GUY

OK. Here goes.

They adopt their casual positions, waiting for a while before Second Guy does everything that was suggested, starting with the arm-stroking and making the big finish with the yawn-and-stretch, massaging his shoulder as an extra.

FIRST GUY

Mmm-hmmm, improvising, I like that. Well, I have to say that you were pretty good for your first lesson. Well executed.

SECOND GUY

Thanks.

They sit in silence for a beat.

SECOND GUY

Now can we go at it?

FIRST GUY

Yeah, why not?

They wrestle to the floor and out of view.

FIN

They notified me in writing: "We have repossessed your karma."

I gazed up at the cookie cutter sky And thought everything was sweet.