‘Don of the Undead’ The Pilot
Donald Hoffman, you may call him Don, is a misunderstood zombie. Most people are frightened when they first learn about who he is, but in truth, he’s a middle class vegetarian with aspirations to become a journalist. He works as the low end bookkeeper of a DVD case company called Iron-Built. He has had a limp since he was little, not since he was a zombie. His limp is what qualified him for a disability tag for his car.
Donald is in love with the woman that serves him coffee every morning at KoffyKoffy. She, coincidentally, works out at the gym he attends. He does not yet know her name, because she never wears her name tag. He doesn’t think she notices him, or know much about her other than she does yoga, and lots of cardio, and is a hipster.
His three friends are Brad, Janice, and Leonard. Leonard, you may call him Lenny, is his Jewish drug-dealing roommate who works part-time at FrostPlate (the popular icecream parlor where the servers sing.) Brad is his friend who might be described best as a nice tool, intelligent enough, kind, but total tool. His personality matches that of Jason Segels role in ‘I Love You Man.’ Janice is Brads bitchy girlfriend who whips him. They drink at a bar every night.
Donald (Don)- A 29 year old vegetarian who happens to be a zombie. The best way to describe his character would be to combine the awkward self-consciousness of Micheal Cera with the quirky sarcasm of Woody Allen
Leonard (Lenny)- A 27 year old College student who works part-time at an icecream parlor. He is Donald’s Jewish Drug dealing Roommate. His character may be compared to Charlie from ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’
Brad- 29 years old salesman at Iron-Built, the company Don works at. He hangs with Don and Lenny at the bar. His personality matches that of Jason Segels role in ‘I Love You Man.’
Janice- Brads controlling 32 and a half year old girlfriend. She’s a conservative bitch who works in high priced clothing retail. Janice and Lenny hate each other.
Don’s Crush- All we know is that she’s about his age, attractive, serves coffee, and works out at his gym.
Nellie- A quirky waitress who was recently hired at the bar they go to. She inquires about Donalds zombie... ness.
Dr. Harrison- Don’s doctor. In a brief sequence he confirms that Don is neither dead nor alive.
Becker- Don and Brads floor supervisor. He gets on their cases a lot.
Green Peace Solicitor- an annoying Green Peace Solicitor
Scene 1: Intro
Takes place at the bar. Don analyzes their lives, he is upset because he feels as though his life is plateauing at 29 despite the fact that he still holds his aspirations to one day become a journalist. Brad then tells him he is close to hooking him up with a sales position at their company, but that it won’t help him with the life plateauing nonsense. Lenny argues that he isn’t plateauing like them because he’s still in college and has yet begun to spread his wings. Don reminds him that he is a 27 year old drug dealer who works at a part-time icream parlor for his 5th consecutive year. Their waitress, Nellie, comes to take their orders and screams upon witnessing Don’s decaying body. They explain to the waitress the whole story via flashback in scene 2.
Suggested Banter for scene 1-
Don: Lenny... you’re-
Leonard: Go ahead, say it. I’m a filthy Jew, you Nazi bastard!
Brad: ... a 27 year old drug dealer, working at a part-time icream parlor for his 5th consecutive year.
Leonard: Drug dealer?! Why would you utter such slanderous lies?
Brad: Because, you sell drugs?
Leonard: I sell pot you prick.
Don: Lenny. Pot is a drug sold for recreational purposes.
Leonard: Don’t you read up on any of the politics? They legalized that shit here. It serves great medical benefits, jesus.
Don: How shall I put this? YOU sell pot for recreational purposes.
Nellie: May I take your- Agh! [Sound of water pitcher hitting the ground] What the hell are you!?
Brad: Let me take this one guys. You see ma’am, there are people with certain cultural tendencies who, to normal people such as you and I, may seem a bit outrageous, but in the end we have to put our beliefs aside for the rights of those confused individuals such as my friend here. Yes, he is a vegetarian, but he’s got his rights just as you and I.
Don: I’m a zombie you asshole!
Scene 2: Doctors diagnosis
A short flashback taking place in the middle of his meeting with Dr. Harrison. He explains that Don is no longer alive. He then goes further to explain Don’s no longer dead either. In a very professional and nonchalant manner he explains that Don is simply the first patient with the case of the undead. He had somehow attained a disease that unnoticeably killed him but kept him from complete death 29 years after his birth. In short, he’s a 29 year old zombie. Don with a perplexed expression simply says ‘huh, that so... I wonder what the legality is on collecting my own life insurance.’
Scene 3: Bar again
Nellie talks with them about the conditions. There is no real explanation for it in this episode, but Don is simply an undead zombie without a beating heart, or completely regular working body parts, but he is functional just as any other person. After asking her last queries she offers to take their order, but they tell her their just there for a beer, so she leaves. Brad then asks Don about his progress with talking to the woman he’s interested in. Leonard immediately puts the brakes on the conversation demanding an explanation. Don tells him about how she is the woman who serves him coffee before work, and how he had told Brad earlier that day that he found out she works out at the gym he just signed a membership to. He describes the few events he almost talked to her. Leonard argues that by him pursuing this girl he is breaking the roommate code they agreed upon. Don reminds him they made that years ago before he knew he would be a DVD case companies third floor bookkeeper. Brads cell phone goes off and he answers it. He’s on the phone with his girlfriend Janice who is telling him it’s time to come home. Leonard banters back and forth with her from across the table. [Black out]
Suggested Banter for scene 3-
Nellie: So you’re undead.
Don: That’s right.
Nellie: Well, shouldn’t you... you know?
Don: Reek of deceased putrescence?
Nellie: Well, yeah.
Don: I wear Old Spice.
Janice: [Distant audio of yelling from a phone] Was that Leonard!? Let me talk to him!
Leonard: [Still talking to the phone from across the table] I told you, the name is Lenny you 33 year old hag!
Janice: I’m 32 and a half you high school drop out!
Leonard: Not true, I graduated! I just willingly held myself back for another senior year, grandma, get your facts straight.
Scene 4: The Big Day
Don wakes up to Leonard offering him weed. He declines and angrily inquires as to why he’s bothering him before his alarm even goes off. Leonard explains that technically he should already be up, because he knew Don mistakenly set it for 5 instead of 7:30, but out of kindness he changed it back for him. Don sees that it’s 5:30 and gets up in a scurry and accuses Leonard of making him late for a very important bookkeepers meeting. Lenny argues that there is no meeting but he knows Yoga class begins bright and early at 6 o’ clock, and the only reason he’s going is to see his crush. He tries to convince Don that women are not what he needs in his life right now. Don leaves abruptly yelling behind him “I’m having a premature mid-post-humous crisis.”
Leonard: [whispering as though to gently awaken] Hey Don.
Don: [Zombie moan]
Leonard: [A yelling whisper] Don!
Don: [Zombie moan with more force]
Leonard: Don wake up!
Don: [Apathetic] ... what? -__-
Leonard: Wake and bake? [Offering weed]
Leonard: I thought you were a vegetarian. [Lights up]
Don: Lenny, we EAT plants!
Leonard: I’m just saying, maybe your rushing into things too quickly with her!
Don: No Lenny! I’m having a premature midlife crisis. This is exactly what I need.
Leonard: You’re not even alive! That’s impossible!
Don: [Voice echoing from out the door down the hallway] Alright, I’m having a premature-mid-posthumous crisis! [Sound of an Elevator] Going down? Great.
Scene 5: Yoga
Don limps up to the gym a few minutes too late, and beats himself up for it. He holds a conversation with himself arguing that he wouldn’t have even done anything if he made it on time. Then he decides to wait until she walks out and prove to himself he can approach her and start a conversation. But just then some annoying Green Peace solicitor rambles on about animals and trees to him and, because of his awkward personality, he cannot break off the conversation. He ends up signing to paying green peace a donation of 30 dollars a month to make the person leave but right when the solicitor leaves it’s too late and the coffee woman has left.
Scene 6: The Office
Don and Brad talk at the water dispenser about his failed conversation with the woman. Brad tells him enough is enough and he needs to man up and just do it. Don argues it was the solicitors fault. Brad tells him the solicitor is his scape goat. They are then told by Becker they need to save social hour for breaks only. We cut to Don typing away at his cubicle and then stopping to turn and speak with Brad, who is in a neighboring cubicle behind him. He whispers his name and they have an intense (yell whispered) conversation about how Don doesn’t feel confident enough to go through with it. He feels if he screws things up he’ll never get his chances with her and that she’s so much to lose. Brad reminds him he wont be losing anything because they aren’t even really acquaintances yet. They are interrupted again by Becker. Don retreats back to his computer, and meshes his fingers on the keys. He gets a phone call and answers saying “Iron-Built DVD products. This is Don with bookeeping, how may I help you?” Still in a whispered-yell the voice from the phone turns out to be Brad calling form the other cubicle. He tells him that he won’t get him the sales position until he goes through with the conversation. Don glares at him from over his shoulder whisper-yelling “Brad! My life is plateauing! I need a better job!” Brad turns from his computer to face him whisper-yelling “You need a woman to whip you like mine whips me! OR, do you want to be miserable for the rest of your decaying life-er, death-er, undead... ness!? ” Brad notices Becker stalking by and quickly turns around to pretend he is talking with an elderly customer. When Becker leaves he turns around again to whisper-yell “You need to set-” Someone called Beckers name from the direction he came from and he turns around to head back in the direction he came and Brad turns around again as though he were with a customer. Instead of turning around he glares at Don through a mirror he pulls from out of a drawer. “You need to set your priorities straight! You talk with her, or no sales position, capiche!?” With great contempt Don agrees. He promises to go to the coffee shop after work knowing she works Monday nights.
End of Pilot episode.
First script will be done within the next couple weeks or so.
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