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                                 On opposite sides of the stage, a Man
                                 and a Woman are in their beds.  They
                                 both burst up simultaneously.

                                 WOMAN
          Today is the day!

                                 MAN
          Today is the day!

                                 WOMAN
          The day is today!

                                 MAN
          The day is today!

                                 WOMAN
          My sister!

                                 MAN
          The world!

                                 WOMAN
          My sister!

                                 MAN
          The world!

                                 They both pause, taking it all in, and
                                 then begin with their morning routines.
                                 Throughout their monologues, they are
                                 getting dressed, brushing their teeth,
                                 etc.

                                 WOMAN
          My sister wants a baby.

                                 MAN
          Yesterday, I met my first whale.

                                 WOMAN
          She's infertile.

                                 MAN
          Have you ever met a whale?

                                 WOMAN
          She's been trying for years to adopt.  She had almost sealed
          the deal on this one baby, but then her husband left her.
          Cocksucker.  No, literally-- he left her for a man.  And then
          the agency had no interest in giving her a baby.  She was a
          single mother, who had been married to a homosexual.
          But just because he left her didn't make her want the baby
          any less.  Now she's husbandless and babyless and
          happinessless and I'm not going to take it any more!

                                 MAN
          Now going to the aquarium or Sea World-- that doesn't count.
          I mean have you ever really met a whale?  And I don't mean a
          dolphin.  Because lots of people have swam with dolphins.
          And though I think dolphins are technically whales, or at
          least in the same family, they have developed to be far too
          humanlike.  Whale whales are still very whale-like and
          therefore much more difficult to meet.

                                 WOMAN
          My sister...

                                 MAN
          This whale was a Grey Whale.  And I met it on a boating trip.
          And not one of those generic whale watching trips on a boat
          full of seasick tourists-- this was a private whale watching
          trip and we saw a Grey Whale.  Just me and my Captain and the
          Whale.  And it swam with us.  We did not belong there on its
          Sea, but we were there, so it accepted us into its
          environment for a bit.  It swam with us for a ways.

                                 WOMAN
          My sister deserves happiness.  She is one of those people
          that gives and gives and gives and gives and never takes at
          all.  She is much better than me.  She is much better than
          everyone.  She is the best.  She is a nurse and she is a girl
          scout troop leader and she visits old ladies in nursing homes
          and decorates graduation cakes for free for underprivileged
          people who have graduated from anything-- a lot of these
          people don't graduate anything so if they graduate anything
          she makes them cakes for free.  She's a very nice personable
          person and if she wants a baby, I will darn well get her a
          baby!

                                 MAN
          This whale was no creature of Sea World.  Well, it was a
          creature of the Sea, and a creature of the World, but it was
          not providing amusement.  It was not personable.  It was not
          a person!  Not a person!  No human desires.  It wanted
          nothing from humans at all.  It was in its own environment
          and it was beautiful and perfect.  The way it moved with the
          Ocean...it was like it was part of the Ocean.  The Waves
          waved and the Whale swam and it was all like one motion.  It
          worked with its environment and it could never be separated
          from it.  The Ocean and the Whale were one.  It was so
          different than us.  In our ship.  So unnatural and violent.
          The waves crash against us and we rocked and rocked--there
          are sails and motors and all these things to make the
          unnatural ships stay afloat and travel on the sea.  But the
          whale was not violent.  It was smooth...in the Sea.
          And he had those things!! Those....barnacle parasite things,
          which sounds so awful...so needy to be a parasite...but so
          what the world is.  The parasites had no shame and the whale
          had no shame because they were representing the world!

                                 WOMAN
          My sister...

                                 MAN
          The world!!!

                                 WOMAN
          My sister!

                                 MAN
          The world is needy!  Like the parasite!  The world is needy
          for a non human existence because this whale...this
          unhumanlike whale, was happy as a clam!  Ha ha!  A whale
          happy as a clam!  He provided!  He is the World!  That is a
          Metaphor!  I met a whale! A Metaphor!  And now...a
          realization.

                                 WOMAN
          So the thing is I know this girl.  She works with my friend
          Gretchen over at Sears in the cosmetic department.  She comes
          from a Sears family and has never had a real lot of money.
          There's speculation that she may be a little whorish on the
          side.  Taking money for sex.  Maybe.  Whatever.  She's
          pregnant.  And she is trying to get money for her baby.  She
          is a black market baby selling ho!  I have no respect for
          her.  But, I'm desperate, and I am going to get that baby.
          I've been planning it out, I have a black market baby buying
          account I opened up at the bank a couple months ago and I've
          just been waiting for the right time to approach her.  But,
          yesterday, yesterday I got this call from Gretchen telling me
          that the baby selling ho is signing the baby away to some
          damn rich Evanston couple today!  So I must put a stop to it.
          Gretchen wouldn't get her address for me, but I looked it up
          on Anywho.com and I'm going there.
                        (She picks up a biefcase)
          I've got a briefcase full of cash and I'm going to get my
          sister a baby.  Damn it!

                                 MAN
          A realization--  I am a man of wealth and I am throwing money
          at environmental organizations now.  All of them.  Whales R
          Us, TreeLovers.com...I don't really know their names or
          anything, but they can all have all my money and I'm getting
          more.  I am giving up my career and I am going grassroots on
          this town.  I'm not only going to give my money, but I am
          going to solicit money from others.  I am spreading the Word
          of the World.  Now!

                                 WOMAN
          Damn!

                                 MAN
          Now!

                                 There is another pause as they prepare
                                 to exit their doors.  They exit and
                                 begin walking down the street.

                                 MAN (CONT'D)
          The World!

                                 WOMAN
          My sister.

                                 MAN
          The World!

                                 WOMAN
          My sister.

                                 As they cross paths, the Man grabs the
                                 Woman.

                                 MAN
          The World!

                                 WOMAN
          Excuse me.

                                 MAN
          Do you know about it?

                                 WOMAN
          I know a lot about the world.  Now, if you excuse me, I'm in
          a bit of a hurry.

                                 MAN
          I'm sorry, I don't think I can excuse you.  I'm Evangelical!

                                 WOMAN
          A Christian?

                                 MAN
          God, no!  A World...ist?  It's about the World!

                                 WOMAN
          Look, I'm an Atheist...

                                 MAN
          I'm an Atheist!

                                 WOMAN
          Great, Screw God!  Now, please get out of my way!

                                 MAN
          I'm sorry, I just recently met a whale and I really want to
          save the world.  You are the first person I've seen since
          this realization and I was hoping you might help.

                                 WOMAN
          I don't think so.

                                 MAN
          Will you please--

                                 WOMAN
          Look, I am in the midst of an emergency here!  My sister
          needs me...

                                 MAN
          Oh dear.  You are part of the problem.

                                 WOMAN
          I don't care.

                                 MAN
          Oh dear.

                                 WOMAN
          Move!

                                 MAN
          Think for a moment.  Think about all the world.  Think about
          the whales and the parasites and the ocean and the sky and
          the forest and the soil and the world.  Think about the
          world.  In that world, where is your sister?  Who is her
          parasite? 

                                 WOMAN
          She's got a fucking girl scout troop!

                                 MAN
          And in that world, where are the Girl Scouts, who is their
          parasite...

                                 WOMAN
          Shut the fuck up!

                                 MAN
          I don't want to.  I had a realization.

                                 WOMAN
          Your realization is fucking stupid!

                                 MAN
          Well have you ever had a realization?

                                 WOMAN
          Of course.

                                 MAN
          What have you realized?

                                 WOMAN
          That you're an idiot.

                                 MAN
          Tell me about a grand realization.

                                 WOMAN
          I once realized that I don't like French Fries.  It was
          pretty grand.  Everyone likes them.  I don't.

                                 MAN
          You are Corporate.

                                 WOMAN
          What?

                                 MAN
          Briefcase.

                                 WOMAN
          I'm a hairdresser.

                                 MAN
          With a briefcase.

                                 WOMAN
          I have to go.

                                 MAN
          Look at you!  Do you see what you're doing?  I say, "Help me
          Save the World" and you refuse to!  You refuse to Save the
          World!  I just need some money!  A dollar...a dime...anything
          at all!

                                 WOMAN
          You look wealthy to me.

                                 MAN
          I am wealthy.  But not wealthy enough to save the World!
          It's really hard!  And I just started today!

                                 WOMAN
          You seem to be going through something and I'm not going to
          go through it with you.  I have my own problems.  My sister--

                                 MAN
          My sister, my sister, my sister!  My, my, my!  Me, me, me!
          There's more than just you and her and People.  There's more
          than People.  God.  People.  Vomitous.  I am just vomitous
          with the thought.  People...Cars...Poachers...Teenagers with
          their littering and disregard.  And you!  Selfish you!  It's
          all just so evil!

                                 WOMAN
          You're calling me evil.

                                 MAN
          People are--

                                 WOMAN
          I am a person!

                                 MAN
          I am a person--

                                 WOMAN
          Do you not have a family?

                                 MAN
          I do.

                                 WOMAN
          Are they evil?

                                 MAN
          No.  They're nice.  They live in Kansas.

                                 WOMAN
          So people are evil except for you and your family and Kansas?

                                 MAN
          I just mean as a species...

                                 WOMAN
          I am not evil!  My sister is not evil!  She is the Best!

                                 MAN
          But look at the World!  Please please please please please!

                                 WOMAN
          No.

                                 MAN
          How can you say no to the World?

                                 WOMAN
          Because you are crazy!

                                 MAN
          You are crazy and selfish and mean!  There are whales out
          there!  Did you even know?

                                 WOMAN
          I've been to Sea World.

                                 MAN
          No, no, no!  Not that! Whale whales in the sea.  Grey whales.
          There's a lot out there that we don't look at and we don't
          see.

                                 WOMAN
          You don't see.  Listen to yourself!!  You don't even have a
          clear mission.  You don't know where to begin.  You see one
          whale once and now you're ready to single-handedly save the
          world?  You don't know what you're doing.  You're very bad at
          this!

                                 MAN
          It's my first day!

                                 WOMAN
          I have got to help my sister!!

                                 MAN
          What does she need?

                                 WOMAN
          I don't have to tell you--

                                 MAN
          What does she need that is so important right now you must go
          to her.  What is so pressing that there is no way for you to
          take one moment to listen to my plight, to spare a penny, to
          think of something bigger, what does she need--

                                 WOMAN
          A baby!  She just wants a fucking baby!

                                 MAN
          Right now.

                                 WOMAN
          Now.  Always.

                                 MAN
          You're going to get her a baby right now?

                                 WOMAN
          I have to go--

                                 MAN
          A baby?

                                 WOMAN
          Yes. 

                                 MAN
          A baby.

                                 WOMAN
          Yes.

                                 MAN
          A baby.

                                 WOMAN
          Yes.

                                 MAN
          Nothing wrong with babies.

                                 WOMAN
          No.

                                 MAN
          They are just born and they can't hurt things yet.

                                 WOMAN
          Right.

                                 MAN
          They are innocent.

                                 WOMAN
          Yes.

                                 MAN
          They are the future.

                                 WOMAN
          Yes.

                                 MAN
          That's important.

                                 WOMAN
          Yes.

                                 MAN
          When I'm dead, the baby can save the world.

                                 WOMAN
          Sure.

                                 Pause.

                                 MAN
          And you say there are Girl Scouts?

                                 WOMAN
          My sister is a troop leader.

                                 MAN
          When I'm dead, maybe they can save the world.

                                 WOMAN
          Maybe.

                                 MAN
          Yes.

                                 WOMAN
          May I go?

                                 MAN
          I don't know yet.

                                 WOMAN
          Well, I'm going to.

                                 MAN
          Yes.

                                 He sits down on the ground and puts his
                                 head in his hands.  The Woman begins to
                                 walk away, but hears the faint sound of
                                 whimpering.  She turns to him.

                                 WOMAN
          Are you OK?

                                 MAN
          I don't know.

                                 WOMAN
          You're crying.

                                 MAN
          Yes.

                                 WOMAN
          So you probably are not OK.  You're sitting on the street
          corner crying.

                                 MAN
          I am.

                                 WOMAN
          I'm a bitch.

                                 MAN
          No. 

                                 WOMAN
          Yes.  When I met you you were full of some Happy Worldist
          Spirit.  Then I yelled at you.  Now you are crying on the
          street.

                                 MAN
          Yes.

                                 WOMAN
          You were just trying to Save the World.  You meant no harm.
          I am evil.

                                 MAN
          No.

                                 WOMAN
          I am part of the problem.

                                 MAN
          No.

                                 WOMAN
          I am a hairdresser.  I spray a lot of hairspray.  I think
          that's bad.

                                 MAN
          I think maybe if you just don't use aerosol.

                                 WOMAN
          I'm a bitch.

                                 MAN
          No.  I might be crazy.  I'm new at this.  I have not yet
          saved the world.

                                 WOMAN
          It probably takes practice.  And time.

                                 MAN
          I met this whale.  Did I tell you?

                                 WOMAN
          You mentioned a whale.

                                 MAN
          I had a realization.

                                 WOMAN
          You mentioned that.

                                 MAN
          I am afraid for the world.
          People kill things.
          The whale.  The Grey Whale still behaves appropriately.  I
          don't think people do.  Where is our parasite?
          I am afraid that the World is Our parasite, but we keep
          ripping it off.  Parasites are a nuisance.  The World is Our
          nuisance.  But the World is a much bigger parasite than a
          barnacle.  So it hasn't died.  It just dangles there losing
          life power every second.
          But we are also the World's parasite.  When it loses life
          power, don't we lose ours?  This is so confusing!
          I am afraid.
          I am afraid for the World.

                                 WOMAN
          I am afraid, too.

                                 MAN
          For your sister?

                                 WOMAN
          For the world.  The world will not let her have a baby.  Her
          baby will save the world.

                                 MAN
          Let's get her a baby.

                                 WOMAN
          I have a briefcase full of money.  I was hoping to buy a baby
          off of a pregnant baby-selling ho.

                                 MAN
          OK.  Can I come?

                                 WOMAN
          OK.

                                 MAN
          Then what?

                                 WOMAN
          Then we can try to save the whales.

                                 MAN
          And then?

                                 WOMAN
          The world.

                                 MAN
          The World.

                                 They grasp hands.  Lights out.

                                 END OF PLAY

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