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FHALL Released Jan 06, 2013

“What’s it like? Being you, I mean. What’s it…like?”


“What’s it like being me?”


“I don’t quite understand the question.”

“Don’t you?”



“Well, how could I possibly answer a question like that?”

“It was meant for you. Not for me to assess. Just, for you. (Pause) I have a knife, you know.”

“I didn’t, no.”

“You didn’t know?”



“I do. Yeah. I do, actually. I have it, in my left pocket. It’s a penknife. Swiss army.”

“Is it really?”

“Really. It is.”


“Can I see it?”

“You can, yeah.”

(Produces it. They stare at one another. A few seconds. It’s put away. Long Pause.)


“That’s quite a blade, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. It really is. Gosh, what an astute observation. Elongated wouldn’t you say? The blade, it’s elongated. You can’t imagine it being very useful when thrashed at someone, if its sole aim was to create a gash on someone’s arm, I mean. But it if was thrust upon someone, if you wanted to take out his or her eye, puncture the heart then…yeah…that’d do quite a lot of damage wouldn’t it? And you know all about damages now, don’t you.(Silence) Do you read the papers?” 

“Some of them.”

“Which ones are they then?”

“The ones I like. The ones that entertain me.”

“Entertain you?”


Long Pause

“And why do you like them?”  

“(laughing) Because they like me, I suppose.”

“(laughing) What a funny comment. (Pause) Come on, they don’t just like you now, do they. Fucking love you, they do. Shower you in praises, your biggest fans.”


“They’re…nice to me, yeah.”

“They are. Very.(Silence) Do you know who I am? You haven’t asked me yet. You haven’t asked me a thing, actually. Do you? Know who I am, I mean. Why I’m talking to you. Now. In a café. Off the M5.”



“I’m… not a fan. I’m quite the opposite, actually. Come to think of it, I essentially despise you. Honestly. I completely detest you. Utterly and truly.”

“What a very unnerving thing to say to someone.”

“Yes. Perhaps I was a little blunt but…well…I’m rather honest, you see.”

“Whereas I’m not?”

“You said it.”




“Tell me something. Do you think of consequences? When you decide to do something, are there…consequences that you are…aware of, that you …bare in mind?” 



“Oh. There it is. The penny’s dropped has it? The lights come on? Realisation has dawned? Blimey, look at your face. Totally stupefied, aren’t you? (Pause) Here’s one, what do you think the worst consequence of anything is? I know the question is…quite ambiguous, but- please- try your hardest to provide an answer to this one.”


“I suppose/ I-”

“Fatality? Wouldn’t you say? Death or…injury of some kind. That someone’s life would be ended because of a completely spiteful and disgusting thing they did once upon a time without a moments thought? Or a consequence that happened to someone else, to millions of other people, as a result of their actions? Death. Wouldn’t you say that is the most unpleasant consequence?”

Long Pause

“I don’t know.”

“Well. (Pause). I’d definitely think it over. (Pause) Definitely.”

FHALL Dec 30, 2012

“Did you know? You can study Modern History now”

“Yeah. My friend’s daughter does it. Up in Manchester.”

“Don’t you think that’s slightly idiotic?”

“Modern History?”


“Not really,...

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“How do you feel?”

“Good. A little nervous granted.”

“Of course.”

“But good. Yeah. I feel ready.”

“That’s great. Honestly. I’m so happy to hear that.”

“I just…”


“No it…it doesn’t...

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"You should stop smoking you know."

"Nah. No need for that."

"It’s probably one of the worst things you can do to your body."

"I could think of worse."

"It’s probably one of the worst...
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