- North Yorkshire...
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- Joined: Mar 26, 2011
This is the intro video for the Stills in Motion collab. I really hope you'll give it a shot!
Write a poem a day
I remember always feeling larger than other girls. Not that it was truth or fiction, but the perception of being other. I hit 100 pounds before others, was getting my breasts before others. And because I wasn't the smallest, something was wrong with me.
I was in middle school.
I don't exactly remember when, but around 13 I went on my first diet. Cut out the fruit gushers, the chocolate, and weight came off.
People complimented me. I felt pretty, worse, I discovered the perfectionist high of feeling in control of the body. This desire for control would lead to compulsive exercise, weight fluctuations, and too many diets. A few bright days of elation, too many dark ones following, feeling fat, feeling out of control, feeling wrong.
By most societal and clinical standards, I haven't ever been fat. I've never experienced the societal bias against my body. Never struggled to find clothes in my size. Was never told I was lazy or bad because of my outward appearance. I didn't experience that idea of fat.
What I did experience was the fat patrol. Adolescent girls and women are told to be terrified of fat. That we must constantly watch ourselves to maintain against this insidiuousness. To control our body, to control the amount of space we take, to control whether or not we can be loved/desired.
Because women cannot take up space
Because women have dangerous emotional impulses
Because women must be beautiful before being smart, funny, or kind
Because our bodies must be controlled
This narrative hasn't helped anyone. It creates an industry based on loathing and false hopes. It tells people that they are bad for simply having the wrong genes. It takes the energy and passion from amazing, talented women, girls, boys and men, away from helping this world, into satisfying expectation and chasing beauty.
Fat isn't the problem. Our prepubscent view on beauty is.
Disconnecting from this paradigm isn't easy. It means allowing myself to desire. It means taking space. It means choosing myself over others opinions, others beliefs. It means I have no excuse preventing me from chasing my dreams. I've been recovering slowly and surely for years. I'm still not there yet. I don't know if I'll ever be.
But I want you to know something:
Even if you feel guilty after having a slice of pizza
Even if you workout to maintain your weight
Even if you focus on the calorie count on the back of your food and not the taste
Even if you think no one can love you because of your size
You don't have to agree with this system.
You can choose love. You can choose self-care. You can choose compassion.
Exactly as you are in this present moment is worthy. Worthy of love, worthy of space, worthy of existing. This world is better because you are in it, regardless of your size or shape.
And most of all, you deserve to know that.
here's my concept for the tutu with inks. i'll possibly do another one with a grey wash and another with color. I may not though since others seem to be contributing great color work over my inks :)
I was going through old school photography projects and I came across this. I thought it would be good for the theme regarding School.
Field show on our home turf at a football game.
I figure, it's impossible to pick out anyone in this. Or ... can you find me?
A cracked bell, not broken,
And the ringing comes forth like a battle cry,
Take me to the river, bathe with me in the water,
Wash away the damage, chemicals, dyes,
I was a heart running,
Til I froze in the wake of a man,
And a nightingales lullaby settled me down,
When I hear that song, love, I clearly understand,
Lay your bones across mine,
Stay until the wounds heal and time stands,
Stay with me a little longer, love,
Til seas swallow the mountains and the world disbands,
Your soul is cracked like mine,
Let the light fill our spaces and accentuate
Each fleck of grace and perfection and adoration,
You're a diamond, I'm the coal, but you can't deny fate,
Don't disconnect, don't refuse, but do as you must,
This is only half of it, the other half's the trust,
I lost myself and found myself in velvet skin,
But are we in Eden's Garden or are we in the Lion's Den?