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INT. ORPHEUM THEATRE-NIGHT


 


JOE sits across the table from his best friend having a coffee, his slouched disposition and heavy sighs show that something is troubling him.


 


JOE


Seriously? I have been sitting here sighing for the past three minutes and forty-five seconds and you are not going to ask what’s wrong?


 


FRIEND


Oh I noticed, I was just waiting to see how long you could keep it up.


 


Joe delivers a blank stare and another sigh


 


FRIEND (CONT’D)


That brings the total up to eleven sighs and I’m glad you were keeping track of the time because what you say was three minutes and forty-five seconds in awkward silence time felt like a solid fifteen EASY.


 


JOE


She is going to break up with me.. I need to find a way to freshen things up, ya know bring back the romance? Show her I’m ready to take the next step.


 


FRIEND


What, like an upstairs apartment?


 


JOE


WOW.


 


FRIEND


See what I did there.. Upstairs... steps.. NEXT STEP


 


JOE


A joke isn’t funny if you have to explain why its funny right after you say it, in fact it isn’t a joke at all


 


FRIEND


I GOT IT!!


 


Cue the heavy part of Hans Zimmer’s “the dream is collapsing” score. Joe looks up and around to try and figure out where the ominous tones came from


 


JOE


(with a puzzled look on his face he shakes it off)


Do tell


 


FRIEND


It all starts with the implant of an idea


(a beat)


Think about it what do all women want but don’t ever flat out ask for?


 


JOE


Like straight up ask for? Nothing they are women everything is in this code that I need to put on a blackboard for some southie janitor to solve.


 


FRIEND


A BABY!


 


Joe begins to loosen his necktie and breathe a little heavier


 


JOE


I’m not sure if that..


 


FRIEND


(Interrupting)


Okay here is what you do


(a beat)


First! You start small, while out and about on the town with the subject you start mentioning how cute peoples babies and kids are but you want to do this in moderation because lets be honest there are a lot of ugly kids out there don’t just rapid fire and be creepy. Second! If standing in line somewhere I.E. The grocery store, an eatery, Disneyland, or a shopping mall


 


Friend stops real quick and positions himself behind Joe wrapping his arms around his mid-section


 


FRIEND (CONT’D)


You will want to start standing like this and while doing so gently rub her stomach


 


He starts rubbing Joes stomach, Joe cracks a smile and tilts his head up a little as if he were day dreaming after a couple seconds he starts to look uncomfortable, Friend does not break stride.


 


FRIEND (CONT’D)


While doing this you will want to call her baby as much as possible so the touching and the word can all marinate in the subjects brain, but you don’t want to over use the “babys” in fear of sounding like a douche-bag which might be the most difficult part for you and now the grand finale, last but not least would be the borrow a baby technique, take on a toddler if you will..


 


JOE


Borrow a baby? Thats absurd, how does one go about borrowing a baby?


 


FRIEND


Im glad you asked. Everyone has a friend or relative with kids, having kids is a full time job and usually its on top of having a full time job. As much as they “love” their seedlings they ALL want a break. So offer to be a baby-sitter for an afternoon or evening which ever works out best to your advantage. BAM baby borrowed, toddler taken its a win/win for all parties involved.


 


During this time Joe reaches into his for his phone in his pocket to check a received message, he looks it over and casually slides the phone back into his pocket.


 


JOE


You are a Moron, although this was the worst plan I have ever heard, I appreciate all the thought you put into your diabolical plan


 


FRIEND


I was just winging it.


 


JOE


That actually makes more sense, regardless


(a Beat)


 


Joe takes his phone out of his pocket and waves it slightly


 


JOE (CONT’D)


That was her, she just broke up with me


 


FRIEND


(awkward look on his face)


Through text?


 


JOE


Email.. Three paragraphs with an introduction and a conclusion


 


FRIEND


Shit that’s classy... How are you holding up?


 


JOE


Hasn’t really had a chance to sink in yet


 


FRIEND


Want to go get drunk before it does?


 


JOE


YEP.


 

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