Look, alright, I'm just going to say this quick.  Get it off my chest, you know? Whew...okay, umm...You know how last week when you were in DC for your business meeting, and you texted me on Saturday asking how my day was and I said It was good, and that I was in a bar and the music was too loud and I would call you back and then I didn't? Yeah, I know I said I forgot on Sunday because I was drunk and tired, but

I, umm...Well I lied, and the truth is I...I fucked a girl that night.

Okay that sounds way worse than how I thought it would be. We didn't "Fuck"

I mean, the word "Fuck" implies we were all over each other from bar door to an unmade bed the throes of passion and claw marks and all that other porn-star-bullshit.  And really, I was too busy thinking how wrong it all was the entire fucking time.  I was sitting there tell her how freaking interesting her pseudo-intellectual musings about the true nature of some dead English author was when you know I HATE dead guys, ESPECIALLY dead English guys. And simultaneously wondering how I was going to get in her pants and why the hell I was lying to do it!

It was horrible sex, honestly! Not that if it had been good enough to call "Fucking" that would make it any better, but she was unresponsive and I was so busy wondering what the fuck I was even doing that I didn't even finish.

Threw the condom off and didn't even pretend to want to stay the night.

It wasn't a fuck, I poorly gave a half-flaccid penis to some average chick who probably wondering about the damn paper she had due the next day and if she'd have enough time to finish after I was done!

I mean cause, what's the point of cheating down?! Right? We have a good life, we're comfortable, and you still give me fucking butterflies in my stomach so why in the hell would I put myself through it?

And I don't have an answer. That's what I'm really upset about.  That I've spent the last two minutes trying to tell you that I cheated on you in such a way that'll make you not walk out the door, and I know that I've failed.  Miserably.