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Text_notecard_shadow_top_left - C. A. MacDougall prose - Ignius Shacklebolt art - Ignius Shacklebolt poetry - Alex Cumminger prose


You scream when you sleep.

I wish I could walk into your dreams.

Simply slay that foul beast

Who haunts you through your nightly rest

And daunts your heart within your chest.

Ungodly whispers in your ears

Every echo of your fears.

Dawn breaks and I do wake

Catch my breath and face the day.

All the time my fears I fight

Until the day doth turn to night.

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Queen of Diamonds rolls, clearly disheartened.



King of Hearts stands up greedily, chastising the whispers of his mind. 

Fists clenched ever so gently, destroying the world in his grip.

His breath of wind, breath of destruction, breath of creation. 

Seeps the butterflies will into his own.

Effects of forever fall on frozen skies.

The world is dead in forever's eyes.

Sweetness seeps in, seeks in seasons, Sees in reason.

My world died when you still crawled.

But I brought it back, because I could not bear to see the sky weep.

Weep for the fallen and the broken. Homeless and unspoken. 

The weep of a mother whose stillborn still haunts.


Forgive me, my Queen of Spades, for your Suicide King has lost his blades.

Cold breath whips onto my cold flesh.

Short breaths lead to quick deaths.

My world is shrinking, but the world is forever.

I am forever, forever bends to my will.

Infinity has nothing on me.

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The train is coming. You have your bags packed, it's almost the point of no return. What are you gonna do? For years this is all you wanted. Now that it's right there in front of you, you're starting to get cold feet. Don't panic.


Just breathe.


Time slows down, more and more. Keep breathing. Slower and slower. Inhale, exhale. Time has frozen. Keep this state and work through your thoughts. Do you get on that train that will take you away from here? Or do you go home, unpack and sleep on your own bed?

On one hand, there is a new and exciting life on that train just waiting for you. On the other, though, there is safety right where you are.

At least, somewhat.

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1 Open. Close, eyes burn. They wont even see me coming. Adjust and sit up. Inhale, exhale. Deadly Deviations. Day in day out. Over and over. Reality is dreaming forever.
Gone finally free from my prison. Exit into another. The whole word is a prison. And I am its guard.        Then again I am still simply a prisoner.            Even the warden is trapped. I'm no rat in a cage.  Spinning round and round.          Running for cheese. Trapped in a maze.

I will be free. Almighty and eternal. But what does it matter? Next to me awakens with a yawn.     Good? Always. Good. You? Nightmares. Again? Always. Another damn prison. Wardened by fear. Locked up by my brain.    Reality is dreaming forever. I still see it. Fresh, but so old. My mind. Governed by my thoughts and governing my actions.All controlled by this Beast.  Deadly Deviations.

I am the universe. The universe is me. We are one and together we rule.  Without me you do not exist but it is all thanks to you that I do. When I blink the world is destroyed but comes back only a moment later. Everything is changed during but nobody notices. Pay attention. Impermanence is key. Without it, we are boring. Like robots that build cars. Do our job and nothing more.  No time for silliness. Imperfections are trashed.  Imperfections make us people.Admitting them makes us human. Humanity. the driving force. Without it, we succumb.  Succumb to it. The Beast inside. Instinct.

I am a weapon. Destroy anything in front of me.  She is my ammunition. Without her I am lost. Useless. Harmless. She is my universe. I am the universe. We are one. Inseperable.  She is the time to my space. The up to my downs. She knows this. I am her bright lights on dark nights. The strength in her when she is weak. I know this. We are the guards. We are the wardens. We are the prisoners. We are the prison. Escaped.

   Thanks. we say in unison. I smile. She smiles.  Our smiles brighten the world. 20 minutes. Bill please. Walk around town. Sights and sounds.New building? What's that for? No idea. Not interested. Keep walking. My steps shake the very foundations. Hers turn heads. Eyes follow feet.        

Step off. You couldn't handle this. I am the holder of the world. He is my grip.          Without him, you are lost. I am lost. I smile. She smiles. Our smiles brighten the world.

I stop. The world stops. She is the world. I kiss her. Our kisses cause hurricanes. Topple buildings. Everybody stares. We dont care. Inhale, part lips. Tornadoes cease. Drawn into our mouths. Everybody sighs relief. We seperate. The world breaks in two. Universe ripped in half. Time to go. She goes home.         I Walk away. It rains. Cold rain. I don't mind. Kinda like it.


2 Blame me, destroy yourself.  I will destroy you myself, with my thoughts. You do not exist if I do not believe. I do not believe. Destroy yourself.  Self destruction, common human trait. Suicide, drugs and alcohol.  And for what? Hide the pain, destroy the pain. Pain is life.      Freedom. Without pain we can not be happy. There is no comparison. No contrast. Contrast is life. Once an addict always an addict. Relapse is just around the corner. Suicide. Quitters way out. Weaklings, if you ask me. Problems aren't forever. The ones that are, are easy to live with. Sometimes. We're designed that way. To survive, to persevere. 'Quitters never win, winners never quit.' Suicide is a loss for all. Even the enemies. Being close to death is a freeing feeling. Feel the rush. Knowing your death is freedom. See it coming. Being dead is just another prison. Trapped in a box. Full or ash, no difference. See the bottom and be free. Hit the bottom and be nothing. Poof. A memory, nothing more. And to some, not even a good memory. A warped, twisted memory. Blood dripping out of your mouth is all somebody will see, maybe somebody you fought with once. The doctor will remember you maybe as the patient who vomited on his shirt. Your parents will see their baby angel, or maybe even they will see a monster. Perspective, perspective.
And then .--- ..- ... - li-.- ./ - .... .- -/-.-- --- ..- / .... .-ve lost -.-- --- ..- .-. / .-- .- -.--
.. .----. -- / - .-. .- .--. .--. . -.. / .. -. / .- / -... --- -..- .-.-.- / -.. --- - / -.. --- - / -.. .- ... .... / -.. --- - / -.. .- ... .... .-.-.- / -- ..- .-. -.. . .-. .-.-.- / . ...- . .-. -.-- .-- .... . .-. . .-.-.--.-. .-. -.-- .--. - .. -.-. .-.-.- / .-.. .- -. --. ..- .- --. . .-.-.- / -... .- .-. .-. .. . .-. .-.-.--- . .- -. ... / -. --- - .... .. -. --. / - --- / - .... --- ... . / .-- .... --- / .- .-. . / .-- .. - .... --- ..- - / ..- -. -.. . .-. ... - .- -. -.. .. -. --. .-.-.--- .. ... .... . .- .-. -.. / .- -. -.. / -- .. ... -.-. --- -. ... - .-. ..- . -.. .-.-.-..- -. -.- -. --- .-- .. -. --. .-.. -.-- / --- .-. / -. --- - .-.-.-
And then .--- ..- ... - li-.- ./ - .... .- -/-.-- --- ..- / .... .-ve found your way again. Understanding is an amazing tool. Gateway to anothers mind.        soul.       Heart. Then again, maybe not. Maybe it's a tool and nothing more. Maybe not even a tool.  Maybe a surface. Like a wall. Understanding is a wall and we just hammer nails into it all day. And hope we build a house. But what happens when your wires are crossed? Several things can happen. Boom. Anger. Short. Apathy. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Like a blank stare. Not a clue. Different lives. Different experiences.  Different understanding. What is understanding? Comprehension? Putting together word by word, receiving a sentence, and processing it as such. But what about those things that aren't put into words. How do we comprehend those?  Reflection? Thinking about it conceptually. Leads to better understanding. (Given our train of thought makes sense, which is not always the case). How do you reflect on something you don't understand though? That's what I don't understand. Trying to understand understanding by reflecting on the concept of understanding serves only to confuse.        enrage.


3 Who am I? I used to think my name somehow defined me.  But does it really? What's in a name.  Names are unimportant. Might as well give me a number. That's what my job does. Punch in. Punch out. My number gets me paid.  My bank number is where my money goes. Everything is governed by numbers. I freeze when people ask "who are you?" It's not a fair question. Not in the slightest. I just tell them nobody. I don't know. Who really does? Nobody. They just like to think they do. How can people understand me, when I can not understand myself?
I am emotionally inept. My emotional skin has been ravaged and torn.  It is covered in scars and caluses. It makes me 'strong'.  Oh what I would give to be human. proper? I don't know. I just wanna be normal.  Oh what I would give to cry again. Am I what I do? My actions govern my being. People know me as what I've done. Accomplished.


4 Forgive me.


5 Circular. Life spins just like the world. Round and round. Same sights, same sounds. Same steps. So boring. Why bother? Pointless. Life is more of a chore than anything. Wake up, go to school. I wish days weren't predictable. Events change but it all boils down to the exact same substance.

 6 Stand at these crossroads.Take our last stands last looks. Last touch of hands. Part. I am d e s t r o y e d. Destroyed from within. Hidemyselfaway. Nobody will find me.  Why? Why? Why? What did I do? Nothing. I think. but do I ever really do nothing? Is that possible? Everything affects something. Everything. Nothing escapes my grasp         wrath           touch Not even me. I am my own worst enemy. I am a hazard to myself. Why do I let myself near me? I can't help it, but I should be able to do something. Right? Maybe it's just wishful thinking.


7 Wish I was a kid. Sometimes, anyway. So carefree, smiling at passers by. Butterflies, clouds in the sky. Everything was happy. High fives to everyone for everything. Laugh and cry, either way I was alive.


The past is no safe place to dwell. It will eat you, tear you apart. Destroy you. the past is a horrific beast of better times that serves to remind you. Remind you of how it used to be.My mind But I am terribly gone. Set in the past. I am a wonderful thinker. I'm the worst off mind I know. Nobody here. I am a beautiful mind.Far gone. Distracted by time. Lost.   Save me. Please.


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