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- Joined: Sep 22, 2011
There was so much blood.She loved my silver knife and insisted I go a little deeper,saying the feel of the cold blade on her skin took the pain away.Just a little deeper,I thought,and I did. There was too much blood, I knew that it was bad and yet I didn't do a thing. I just stood there and watched my Anna,our favorite game turned into a nightmare quickly. The excitement in her eyes turned to wonder,then panic,then plain terror. And I watched until her eyes glazed over and her head rolled sideways on the pillow,the white sheets soaked red.I didn't do a thing.
That is when I whiped the knife and carefully placed it in her hand. And after I was done I wrote that suicide note,the smell of blood and death overpowering in her bedroom. I know it would be a few days before the neighbors would start to complain of the smell,but by that time I'd be long gone.
I took her insurrance money,praising her for keeping all that cash in her apartment because she didn't trust banks. Before I left her for good I took a final look at her,lying there naked and bloodied. And I loved her even more in death.
I stole a car straight of the streets and left with nothing except the clothes I had on and the money,just like she had escaped her old life.It was so easy to cross the border into Germany with Europe being one big friendly place now and all the borders opened. The only way I could tell I was in another country was by a sign on the side of the road; 'Wilkommen in Deutschland','Welcome in Germany'. Well,wasn't that nice of them..
And so,my dear, I ended up here,at least for a little while.I know I have to keep moving on because it is hard to get away with murder,even if it is accidental.I try to keep to myself but I do get lonely from time to time and when I saw you I just couldn't resist you Elsa. You look so much like her,and I felt so lucky when I googled you after our first date and found out you too have no one in the world. Your father deceased,your mother locked up inside a mental home oblivious to the world,your sister not speaking to you.And your friends,they are used to your moods,they will probably think you are off on your own again,hiding from the world. I'll be in Poland before they will start to worry. I promise I won't hurt you much,and who knows,you may even enjoy the pain Elsa. E
"Elsa,what are you doing?"
That is when I decided I had listened to the fucker long enough and pulled my daddy's gun from under my coat. He gave it to me before he died,saying I should always be able to defend myself,that men cannot be trusted and how right he was. Yes,there is much blood and maybe someone has heard the shot and dailed 112,but I doubt it.This motel is located in such a remote location,no one has been here for years.And frankly I am fed up with this part of the country,all those trees and crappy bars.I knew I was right about him when I picked him up and was patient enough to let him lead me here.Good riddance to that asshole. I am not even going to leave a suicide note,I think men are thoughtless pricks anyway.
As I start his stolen car and leave the motel in my rear view mirror I smile. I did the world a favor and all that money he hid under the driver's seat is just the opportunity I needed to get out of here. I wonder what life in Poland is like.
Anna was mine.She had no ties,no connections,no people in her life who would inquire after her.I didn't need to isolate her,she was already alone.It was perfect. She was mine to play with,to do with as I wanted. A dark desire came over me.I had waited so long for someone to share my wildest fantasies with,someone who was willing to cross the boundaries of normalcy. She had already discovered the pleasure which lies in pain,the anticipation and the release of a sharp knife.Not everyone is capable to understand,but she..she already did and she was a natural.
"Oh Anna,"I sighed one night shortly before we fulfilled one of my secret fantasies.She was tied to the bed,her ankles and wrists bound with a coarse rope,helpless but willing in her nakedness. I don't know if she smiled because I had gagged her to reach perfection.But her eyes,those bright blue eyes asked for more,and so I gave it to her,willingly.
I slid my knife alongside her throat,being careful to only touch her skin and not open a vein,the risk would be too great,her neck too vulnerable. Slowly I let the blade wander over her beautiful naked body,the landscape of scars and unhealed cuts not appalling to me but inviting. I trailed the scar tissue and the cuts she had inflicted upon herself,teasingly slow,hardly putting any pressure on the handle.
And then when I could tell by her writhing she could not take any more I penetrated the tip of my knife into her willing flesh,slowly evermore slowly. The first few moments before the first drops of her blood would rise to the surface almost an anti climax. But then,after slicing her beautiful tormented skin a few inches and the blood would begin to flow it was more satisfying than anything I've ever experienced. The slow trickle of redness creating currents of deliciousness all over her torso.
She didn't question the pain,she surrendered herself to it.We were deeply in love,locked inside our own dark little world of pleasure.And I did love her in those moments,it was the closest I came to feeling anything.We connected on the deepest level humanly possible,and we were together like this many times,united at last.
Afterwards I'd tenderly wash the blood off her lovely body.My knife never went too deep,I couldn't risk hospitals,doctors,stitches and the many questions they would be likely to ask. And artifial wounds,they bleed so beautifully, the desire that came with pain was like a drug. We could never get enough,and we took more risks,willing to take it further.
Until one day, a little over a year ago,I went too far.
You're a lucky dog,I thought to myself as I crossed the bridge over the canal to take the bus home. She could be the one I had been looking for,the perfect catch. As soon as I walked into my dark and empty matchbox of an apartment I turned on my laptop to do some research.It's amazing how much you can learn about a person by simply googling him or her.
But strangly,the name Anna Boersma lead me nowhere. There were a few Facebook matches but the photos clearly indicated that none of them were the Anna I was looking for. No Twitter,no Instagram,no images on the web,not any information of any kind. I was surprised but I didn't let it faze me.Maybe Anna was one of those rare people to whom cyberspace means nothing.It did however complicate things. Now I would have to ask her instead of getting her info of the web,which means she may get suspicious. I had to be careful.
It took her three days to call me back.After day one I became nervous.I was so sure I had charmed her because she had invited me back to her place on the day we met after all. "Anna", I sighed with relief.I am sure that flattered her,but it made me feel like a loser. I like to keep my feelings under control. We decided to meet again and we became inseperable fast,seeing each other every day. I didn't refuse when she invited me back to her apartment again.
Her flat was a little more spaceous than mine since it was located further away from the centre in a neighborhood that consisted of blocks of flats.She lived on the 6th floor in the middle of one of these monstrosities.A grey,ugly building in which the people who lived there kept to themselves.When you'd run into one of your neighbors in the elevator you kept your head down and pretend you didn't see them,just as I like things to be.
It didn't take long for her to open up and trust me completely,my Anna.After about a month she was under my spell. That is when I learned all about this pretty girl from Amsterdam.Her mask came of and behind it the true Anna was not as bold and happy as she pretended to be.In fact,happiness was an alien concept to her,and I loved that about her.Her true self turned out to be filled with a darkness so deep and ink black it was amazing how she could put up that front of a happy, confident, giving soul.
Anna had been born in a small town,more of a hamlet,in the north of Holland.Her parents had been farmers and she was their only child.Tragically they had died in a housefire in the middle of the night a year earlier. Anna had been hiding out in the barn, smoking a cigarette when she saw the flames coming through the roof.When the fire brigade finally arrived there was nothing left except for the outer walls. Just like that Anna was an orphan.I could feel the dept of her sadness as she told me this and I knew I could use that feeling of desolation to attach her further to me.
There were no uncles,no aunts.One set of grandparents were passed away,the other two lived in Italy,estranged from Anna.The only ray of sunshine was the insurance,which had been well taken care of.So after my poor girl had buried her parents and settled her business she took that money and the rusty old family car and drove to Amsterdam for a brandnew start in Holland's largest city.
And she tried,she really did. She deocorated her ugly flat in pink and black.She learned to be comfortable on her own and to live among strangers. I admired her for that.
"But what about your friends?",I asked her, "you must have had colleagues,aquaintances,neighbors?"
"I left them all behind,"she told me,"I needed a fresh start.When I left all I had where the clothes I was wearing,my old car and the insurance money I have been living of since I got here.If I live frugally I can make it last a long time."
"So what do you do all day Anna?"
"Well,I just try to live you know.I eat,I sleep,I give money to street mucisians and sometimes I pick up strangers in bars".
We looked at each other and grinned,but hers was the honest one.
Then her face turned serious again and she told me there was one more thing I needed to know about her.She turned around and modestly tried to take off her shirt.When she turned around,her face was filled with embarrassment and anguish I could see why she had been reluctant to share this part of herself.
Both her arms were covered in cuts. Some had healed into thin white scars,some were fresh and still bloody on the edges. A map of stripes covered her arms,evidence of the pain she tried to control by adding her own.
"There are more," she told me. As she stripped naked I witnessed a severe case of self mutliation. I didn't know how to react.
I had nothing to say.
"I understand if you want to leave now", she smiled bravely through her tears.
All I could do was hold her close so she would not see the look of pure excitement on my face.
Psalmist challenged me to take one of my 'Terryfying Tales in Two Sentences' and expound upon it with additional writing. I chose 'The Suicide Note' and took it as the start of the story. ( The suicide note said she didn't want to hang on to a life filled with pain and darkness anymore.I'm 100 % certain it wasn't her handwriting). I am now also going to challenge myself by making it VERY long,hence the part 1. I have no idea where I will be going with this,but I will write until I am happy with it.
The Suicide Note-part 1
"The suicide note said she didn't want to hang on to a life filled with pain and darkness anymore.I am 100 percent certain it wasn't her handwriting". It was our fifth date when I told you this.We were sitting on an dirty sagging bed in an abandoned motel in the middle of the German woods.It was the perfect location to tell you my story.
Before we got here we had been drinking luke warm beers in a dimly lit bar in Gerolstein.You had suggested the place,and it was a mistake to let you choose.The music was horrible and the people too inquisitive,I couldn't wait to bring you to a quieter spot and get you alone.But you claimed it was nice and since you had lived in that town all your life and I was new I let you take me there. And then when the time was right I brought you here,and now everything is as it should be.
You and I,together at last.
The look of total shock on your face when you asked me about old loves I told you what happened to my ex-girlfriend. Priceless.
"I am so sorry", you stammered as your cheeks flushed red,"I completely understand if you don't want to talk about it,that is so awful." But oh,talking about it was exactly what I wanted to do.I had been silent for so long, it would be a relief to let it all out.And so I smiled sadly and I started talking.
Her name was Anna.We met in a cafe in Amsterdam last year.She was 21,tall and blonde.I know you'd expect me to tell you I fell for her body but the truth is I fell for her eyes.She had the brightest blue eyes I had ever seen.I could not stop staring.
She walked in just after I had brought my cup of coffee to my mouth and in my confusion I took a sip,scalding my lips on the too hot liquid.I cursed,still staring,which made her smile. After she had ordered her coffee and a croissant from the counter she walked over to where I sat and boldly asked me if the seat across from me was still free. She wasn't shy,my Anna.
I nodded,my mouth still stinging from the burn, she sat down and introduced herself. "I am Anna", she smiled at me,all confidence and poise. "John", I mumbled,forcing myself to look down at my coffee. "Did you hurt yourself?" she asked me, I smiled and I told her I was fine.
We spent the rest of the day together,it happened that quickly.What can I say,we just hit it off.It felt like we had known each other for years.She was the most interesting girl I had met in a long time and I wanted to get closer.People didn't faze her,she didn't keep her distance from them like I did.I was fascinated with this girl and so I accepted her invitation to go and listen to the buskers in Vondel park.
It was a beautiful day in early spring,unexpectedly warm and sunny for that time of year,which caused a lot of street musicians to come out of hiding and set up in their regular spot in the park,their instrument cases opened in front of them,waiting for money.
Anna removed her rucksack from her shoulders and reached in to take out a small blue purse bulging with coins.When she saw the questioning look in my eyes,she smiled and told me she'd like to walk around the park putting a few coins into each empty guitar- or violin case.
"Some people put their change in jars",she told me,"I like to give what I have left over to music,no big deal". She must have started to feel uncomfortable with my adoring gaze,so I backed down. I didn't want to come on too strong,I wanted her to start trusting me and so I merely smiled as we walked around the park distributing Anna's left over coins among the musicians.It was the sweetest gesture, even though those 50 euro cents wouldn't be enough to even buy them a cup of coffee.
At the end of the day she invited me back to her apartment in the suburbs of Amsterdam.It took a lot of willpower to tell her no.Too soon. Instead I gave her my phone number and felt the first stab of anticipation as she punched the numbers into her cellphone. "Okay John,"she said, "I'll call you". And with a small wave she stepped onto the line 49 tram. I watched until there was nothing left but a small dot in the distance. It had worked.First contact had been made...
After he left her she burned all his letters,tore up his photographs and systematically destroyed all his possessions.
But when she woke up the next day everything was returned to its proper place once again.
The suicide note said she didn't want to hang on to a life filled with pain and darkness anymore.
I'm 100% certain that it was not her handwriting.
I wish you'd stop living your life like it became meaningless after the funeral.
Just because you can't see me anymore doesn't mean I'm not here.
I can see the relief in your eyes as you put your shovel back into the trunk of your car.
Did you think you'd be free of me when you buried me?
Syd challenged me to write something for the 'Swimming' animation by OphirLevy ( resourced below) and it had to be for voice overs,and if she likes it she will do the V.O. So,I hope you like it Syd,if not spoken too fast it fits inside the minute of the animation. This is different from anything I've done,and I am quite pleased with it. Plus this is challenge #10 so that means I have officially finished all my challenges..doing a happy dance :D <3
When we were together life became too heavy.Your demands and your need for control placed an armour around my skin.
But when I tried to escape you,you tried to swallow me whole,like the whale did to Jonah when he tried to escape from God.
Jonah repented and cried out to God in prayer,admitting God commands everything in creation to carry out his plan.
And he was saved when he put God in control again.
But you are not my God,and I am not like him.
I can save myself.
I learned how to swim.
Steph challenged me to write an internal monologue from the perspective of a street light
They have placed me in this spot in 1959.I guess you can't call it 'being born', because street lights like me aren't exactly 'born', are we? We are just fabricated in a factory somewhere. Probably China,as almost everything has the 'made in China'-label. Not that I'm complaining,it is what it is and this is what I have been since 1959.
If you think street lights have an easy life you are dead wrong. Easy? That is a joke,right? I mean,look at me! Here I am standing at the edge of the curb. I can't jump back when the guy who owns that red BMW backs his car into me,again,can I? Do you think it is funny that he can't park his stinking beamer? Are you aware of the pain I have to go through every time he misjudges his parking manoeuvres? And do you think that for even one second he'd take ME into consideration? nooooo!! I've been kicked! Kicked I tell you,because I supposedly 'dented his fender'!! Does he really think I set out to hit that ugly rust bucket of a car? Even if I were able to I wouldn't want to touch that abomination!! But all I can do is stand here,letting myself get kicked,and bumped into and suffer through the pain and humiliation when once again he rear ends that piece of crap into me.
And dogs!!! Hello!! Do you think it's a good life to be sniffed and peed on all the time? The embarrassment of seeing that hind leg being lifted and the feel of warm,sour smelling liquid dripping of my bottom end. The shame of standing here,smelling like a toilet! Do you think that is fun? I will never get a girlfriend reeking like this,nobody wants to date a stinker!
And let's not even talk about the drunks,they may be the worst part of this life. How they grab onto me and stroke their fingers all over my frame,like they are caressing me. And just when I start to believe someone finally shows me some love thay bend over and throw up on me!!! Vomit sliding down onto the curb. Hell,my life is hell I tell you! Don't ever say I've got it easy!!
But there is good news. I've been here since 1959 which means I must be getting really old. I'm sure I will burn out soon.And when I die I will make a personal plea with the head honcho that in my next life I want to come back as a chandelier. All that glass,glitter and glamour suits me much better anyway.
Lana challenged me to write a really short story with her illustration..it again became a short-ish poem..I hope that's okay Lana :) And yes,I know it's hopelessly corny..but I really didn't want to write a dark teddy bear tale..I mean,I DID write that first and it was very mean and nasty and I loved it,but the illustration calls for cutsey and sweet so that's what I tried ( totally not my thing so a good challenge Lana,thank you! :) )
There is a hiding place somewhere in the east
An enchanted red tree forrest
These trees don't behave like their brothers
They smile and care
They don't just stand there and stare
They are home to those in need
The reason this place exists
Is to be a refugue for discarded teddy bears
Here teddy lives happily for many years
After being thrown away
They found a new place to stay
Receiving all the hugs they have missed
People think old teddy bears live in the attic
With their missing ears and broken paws
Their torn up clothes and dislocated jaws
But teddy bears get a second chance
They are happy when the trees ask them to dance
Instead of a cruel fate there is teddy bear magic
Axon Graf challenged me to pick a piece of music,take a picture and accompany it with a short story based on what I visualize. I chose Axon's 'Elsewhere"( resourced below) and I'm sorry Axon,but it came out as a poem instead of a short story..it is music for poetry I guess :)
I'm stuck behind these bars now
We both knew I'd end up here and still we took that chance
I wonder if you regret it as much as I do
or if you're beyond caring now
You probably are
I don't hate you,honestly
We both made mistakes and it would catch up on us eventually
It's not a question of blame
I was curious when I heard your voice on my answering machine
You had seen my picture in a magazine
and we took it from there
Dinner in a fancy restaurant
Candles and soft enchantment
Yes,I confess I was a little head over heels
I don't know if you ever really experienced how that feels
It doesn't matter anymore now anyway
Whatever it was it's much too late
Í fell for your kind blue eyes,your charm and your mysterious smile
I guess you liked my long legs and my sassy attitude
And for a while everything was fine
For a moment everything was more than good
But things changed when I caught your cheating ways
Your quiet whispers in rendevous hallways
I can't believe how I fell for you
I was such a sentimental fool
But one thing I made sure of before you finalized your escape
There was just one thing I wanted you to know
When you told me you had to be elsewhere
I made sure you had nowhere else to go
Pam challenged me to write a dialogue tale or a skit
I Love You
-I need to tell you something
-Okay..what is it?
-I think I love you
-What? You think you what? Wait a minute here,what the hell are you talking about?
-It's just something I am feeling right now,you know.It is not like I intended to fall in love with you,it just happened.Jeez..
-But why would you even say that? You can't just say that! Love is not a joke.You can't just tell someone you 'love them' because you are 'feeling it'. You can't just go ahead and tell someone what is on your mind,you don't do that to people.This is so inappropriate and disgusting! What is the matter with you anyway? You crazy or something? You can't look me in my eyes,smile, bat those eyelashes at me and then tell me you have feelings for me...God!! I can't believe this is happening to me right now!! Is this some kind of joke? Did Robert set you up to do this? It's not funny you know. Damn,why are you doing this to me? What have I done to deserve this kind of treatment..
-You know what?
-I think you've got an attitude problem.
-ME? I have an attitude problem? That is just rich you know that! You tell me you love me and I am the one with the attitude problem....I never treated ANYONE the way you are treating me right now.I am a NICE guy,I am ALWAYS kind to people.I don't harrass people the way you are doing right now! YOU..YOU are the one with the problem lady,and from the looks of you I'd say it's more than just an attitude problem. They need to lock you up and throw away the key."I love you"..what.the.fuck!!
-Okay,you know what,forget I said anything. I think I am over you already anyway. Will that be all sir?
-No,"that will not be all sir",I'd also like 2 hamburgers and 2 milkshakes
-Do you want fries to go with that sir?
-YES please! I think i deserve some fries after what you just put me through damnit!
- That will be 13.95 sir,thank you for your order and have a good day. Next please? Hi,I need to tell you something...