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The way I once was.


 


I was a child.


I was a naive child.


I was a sweet child


I was a happy child.


I was a shy child.


I was a funny child.


I was a smiley child.


I was a loving child.


I was a child who knew nothing.


 


The girl I became.


 


I was a mean girl.


I was a lost girl.


I was a sad girl.


I was a reserved girl.


I was a slightly happy girl.


I was a different girl.


I was a knowledgeable girl.


I was a still a child but one who knew a little more.


 


The woman I am now.


 


I am a happy woman.


I am a goofy woman.


I am a unique woman.


I am a smart woman.


I am a loud woman.


I am a loving woman.


I am a funny woman.


I am more of an understanding woman.


I will eternally have that little girl inside of me. The one who was hurt by her loved ones. The one who will always and forever be hurt by those actions of her loved ones.The one who will always be a little sad for what has happened and for what will never be. I am a woman now but will eternally have that broken hearted girl inside of me. One thing I can say as woman is I am happy and grateful for all my pain. I wouldn't be the woman I am today if I didn't experience the pain that I did when I was a child. To the broken child in me. I love you. You've made me who I am today. Thanks for being a strong child. You're the reason why I can be happy now. The reason why I can be more gracious. You're the reason why I can be myself. You're the reason I am stronger today!


Thank you.

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It is amazing what films can give us. It is amazing what it can make us forget.


I love films because when I need to runaway from everything for a couple of hours films are there for me. They are there to show me I am not alone. That the way I feel is the way others feel. That your not alone in the way you think. That your not the only person that feels the way you feel. I love the peace of mind it gives me. Films always manage to calm me down when I am mad or sad. Even when I am happy films tend to make my happiness greater. I love films and that's one thing I know will never change. So thank you to all the great artists who have touched me through their films. Those storytellers will always have a special place in my heart and mind. To all the artists out there never stop creating your amazing stories. I promise someone out there will appreciate the fact that you write what they feel. So whatever you do stay true to yourself.

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There will always be someone who will make you a better person. Someone who will make you feel happy. Someone who will laugh with you. Someone who will cry with you. Someone who trys to understand you. Someone who means something to you. Someone you can sit in silence with. To some people this person is their best friend. To some people it's their boyfriend or girlfriend. To some people it's their husband or wife. To some people it's their brother or sister. To some people it's their dad. To me it's my mother. The one I know that will always be there for me. The one who can always make me feel better. The one who can laugh with me. The one who teases me. The one I can talk to. The one who will always teach me what is right or wrong no matter how old I am. My mother. She's my heart.


I love you mom.

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Dear Father,

This is your daughter in case you've forgotten who I am. I want you to know that I am okay. I am happy now. I am not sad anymore. Well that's not true. Apart of me will always be sad about the relationship that we have. About how we rarely see or speak to each other. It's hard to love you after everything but I still do. I wish we could go back and things would've of happened differently. Even though it might seem like I hate you apart of me will always love you. It breaks my heart to look back at how we use to be. How I was always a daddy's girl. Even now as I write this letter I have to fight back tears. I just wish I knew why you did the things you did. Did I ever matter? You know what I know you love me and I know I matter. I just don't understand why you did what you did to this family. How could you do that to the people you love. What kills me is I've made an effort to try to talk to you about everything that happened and you just blow it off. You act like it didn't effect me at all. Maybe you just think it shouldn't bother me that much because it isn't a big deal. Well it is and I wish you would acknowledge that. I wish you could see how much pain you've caused me and the pain you still cause. I remember always telling mom that if you just apologized to me I would be happy. That it would make things a little better because at least you've taken responsibility for what you have done. You've always be so oblivious to my feelings. I would always act out against you and you always assumed I was just being a "teenager". All those angry feelings came from a deeper place not me being a "teenager". To me everyone else saw that except for you. I've tried for years to get your attention and at this point it is pointless. No matter what I do you don't see me. You see what you want which is a teenage girl acting out like any other teen girl. No! That's not what I am doing. I want you to see how much you've hurt me. Honestly I acted out because I wanted to see what you would do. If you would understand that I am doing this because I am hurt. Once again you've disappointed me. Its been almost a decade and I still deal with what has happened. I mean I moved on but honestly stuff like that will always be in you. You just find a better way of dealing with it. All I want to do is yell at you! Scream at you and make you feel just as bad as I did. Honestly what good would that do. You don't think you've done anything wrong. You said yes you do and you've said sorry. You don't mean it because when you are genuinely sorry you don't just say it. You show that person you are deeply sorry and you try to make it up to them. I wrote this so you could fully know how I feel. I doubt this letter will make a difference but I didn't do it for you. I did for myself. To let go of you. What I mean by letting you go is letting go of this fantasy of mine. This fantasy that you can change. This fantasy that you will be there for me. This fantasy that you will apologize to me for everything. I will let all my fantasies go now. One thing you gave me that I will be entirely grateful is my strength. Thank you for that. With all that has happened that's one good thing you gave me.


Goodbye father.


 


Love, your little girl


 


 


 

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I believe we all have this notion that we have to settle in our lives. That we must settle because we will never find what we truly want. I can't live in that way. I don't think I ever could. To be quite honest if I do I will know that will be my greatest failure in life. I refuse to let this world make me into a person who settles. I want this world to make me feel free. I want to feel free to do whatever. People will look at me me as a naive kid. They will look at me as if my heads are in the clouds. Well when I look at them I will see people who failed to stay true to themselves. They should've fought to find what they truly deserve rather than settling! I might be looked at as a naive kid but I don't care. I know I am staying true to myself! If it takes me years and years to find what I am looking for then I will! I will be true to myself to the end of my days! To everyone fight for what you want! Fight for what you deserve! Don't let people make you think that you have to settle! Just don't stop searching for the things that make you happy in this world. Don't settle in your relationships, your career, and anything else that matters to you! Please! 


 

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The Little Darlings




Amy: Thank you for hurting me mom. It made me stronger. I am happy without you. I learned it was never my fault for what you did to me. I feel I can say goodbye to you. One thing you gave me was my strength. Goodbye.




Lisa: Thank you Josh. You hurt me so much. You made me weak. You made me scared. When I was with you I lost myself. I lost the girl who was strong and happy. I will never forget the day that I left you! It was the day I got myself back! Thank you for giving my strength. Goodbye Josh.




Lilianna: Daniel, thank you. I never knew you. You always hated me for some reason. You hurt my feelings on a daily basis. You treated me as if I didn't matter. Well I matter! I don't know how you can treat someone so terribly when you don't even know who they are. You made me stronger that's one thing I can say that came out of your cruelness. I know I'll never be like you. So thank you for showing me how not to treat a human being. Goodbye.




Jacob: Ray, thank you. Thank you brother for being cruel to me. You never could accept me. I should of never been looking for acceptances. I am proud of who I am. I'll never let anyone like you make me feel bad for who I am. At the end of the day I feel sorry for you. You'll always live your life like a cruel person. I'll live mine loving who I am and being proud of who I am. Thank you brother, goodbye Ray.




Carlos: Thank you mom. Thank you for showing me the type of person I didn't want to be. You are my mom but I never saw  you that way. You never cared for me when all I wanted was your love. I just wanted you to love me and take care of me. The only thing you cared about was yourself. So thank you mom for being selfish. I can say one thing you made me go through hell and through all of it I came out a strong person. Bye mom.




Vanessa: Dad, thank you. I know you loved me but you never appreciated me. You never knew that I wasn't always going to be there. You should've appreciated me when you had me. For a long time my love was unconditional and you took that for granted. Let me tell you this I am a stronger girl because of you. I may have my faults but I will never let my children down the way you did. I am much more happy without. So thank you and goodbye.

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What was his name?


Selina- His name was Andrew.


 


Selina


 


I met him through one of my friends. He was my best friend's brother. So I didn't really tell anyone. It was odd that I liked him. I mean I knew him before but it was when I was really hanging out with him that I started liking him. I mean honestly at first I thought it was just a crush but I couldn't quite get over him. He was probably one of the nicest guys I've ever met. The way he acted and his attitude was something I admired. He didn't care what people thought of him. I mean don't get me wrong he wasn't an asshole or something. He just wasn't like "oh look at me" type of a guy. He did what he wanted and didn't give apologizes for his personality. That's definitely something I really liked about him. I was never someone like that. I was a type of person who wanted to fit in and did what I had to do to fit in. I always felt weak because of that. People that can be them selves was definitely something I admired. If anything I get a little envious because they are so brave to be who they are. So there I was a 17 year old girl who still couldn't be herself. I couldn't even stand-up for myself at that time. I was scared of hurting people or people being mad at me. I just wanted everyone to like me even if I didn't really like them. I still needed their approval in a weird way. I feel like that was one of the main factors of why I liked him so much. He was kinda of everything I wasn't but everything I wish I could be. We hung out a lot because of his sister. He drove us everywhere and sometimes he would bring his friends. We would all just hang out with each other. I loved it when he would hang out with us. I couldn't help but stare at him. I loved the way he smiled, the way he laughed, the way he would tease me. That's one thing I started noticing I was doing. Whenever I would think about him I would always say love. I didn't say I liked the way he smiled I would always use the word love. It was odd to me. I wasn't going out with him but something happen. I was starting to like him more and more. Honestly I didn't want to admit it to myself that.... I loved him. I felt stupid for even thinking that. All I could think when I would think I love him is that he probably doesn't like me like that. He probably thinks of me as a little sister. I was only a year younger than him but me being his little sister's friend couldn't have helped my case. I just didn't think anything would happen but I still wanted him. We got closer over that year. He was my best friend. He made me finally grow a back bone. Honestly he made me stronger and happier. I never thought I could feel this way. I am sure everyone thinks I am delusional human being right now. When it comes to someone you begin to love you truly turn into a cliche. Don't worry I am not proud of it. I wish I could be a little more elegantly with my words and maybe not sound like a cheesy romantic comedy. Hey that is just how all of this is coming out. So it was probably about a year in half of us knowing each other and being friends. I still never said anything to him about how I felt. I was so scared. I am not really a risk taker. Especially in this department. I would always have this ridiculous fantasies that he would tell me how much he loved me and how he wanted to be with me. He never did which didn't feel too great. I would definitely say the worse part though was when he had a girlfriend. Honestly I don't think anything hurt as much as that. Anytime I saw him grab her hand or even kiss her on the cheek I just wanted to cry. It didn't help that I had to keep hanging out with them. I was his friend and it would look odd that suddenly I stopped hanging around him when he gets a girlfriend. The way they were together broke my heart every time I saw them. So we hit the two year mark of knowing one and another I am 19 years old now. I am 19 in college now and yet I still couldn't tell him. The guy who made my world so much more brighter. The guy who made me laugh and was always there for me when I needed him. I couldn't tell him how much I appreciated him for being there but also how much I loved him. When I look back at it I was a coward. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I wish I did something. He eventually broke-up with his girlfriend. I had two boyfriends while he was dated his girlfriend. Obviously I only had them to make him jealous. I just figured maybe if he saw me with someone he would finally tell me how he feels.  At the end of the day I was so delusional I always thought that this would be some romantic story. Where he loved me but couldn't tell me. Then all of sudden realizes he wanted me and comes to airport to stop me to tell me that he loves me. I should have realized life isn't a movie. It doesn't happen that way at all. So we continued to be friends but when I turned 20 I finally couldn't do this anymore. I just thought he has never said anything to me or made a move. So I thought it was just time to move on. I really just lost touch with him. I couldn't be his friend anymore. It was just to hard. I am 25 now and still never felt the way I did with him when I was 17. I think about him time to time. I can honestly say not one guy compares to him. He was the love of my life. I should thank him really. He made me stronger and braver. I never thought I could be this girl but I am. Its all credited to him for making me feel good about myself. He taught me how to be comfortable with myself. To never be what others want you to be but be who you want. I'll never forget that. I don't know what he is doing now. I mean for all I know he is married and has a kids. I miss him. I wish I could go back and just fucking say it. Even if he did say he didn't feel the same way at least I would know. Here I am 25 years old still thinking what if. I never knew how he felt. He seemed to like me and in my heart I felt like he loved me too. For all I know he is thinking exactly what I am thinking right now. What if he does miss me. What if he really did love me and just couldn't say it. What if he didn't say that because he was scared just like I was. I miss him so much. I truly regret not saying anything to him. I should of just done something. Anything is better then feeling regret. All I know is I loved him.... well love him. My feelings about him never went away. People who meet someone like that. Someone who makes them happy. Someone who changes them in a wonderful way. Don't let that person go. Don't be a coward like I was. Even if that person breaks your heart trust me its a lot better then regret. Regret will eat you up and you always have something missing.  


 


If he was right here with you would you tell him that you love him and always have? In a heartbeat.


 


What exactly would you tell him? I honestly can't say how it would come out but I would tell him that I love him. That I loved him since I was 17 years old.


 


 I love you Andrew.

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I love you!


Sometimes it's as simple as that.
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To Joe & to everyone else thats reads this. I don't know if everyone is familiar with Joseph Kony but he is the leader of LRA. Which is a guerrilla group that abuducts children to make them become soilders and sex slaves. This man has been doing this for years. A foundation called Invisible Children has been trying to shine a light to this probelm for years now. I hope that you all can watch this film made by Invisible Children. It's important that we all help in some way. We all come from different parts of the world but its unaccepttable that we know these things and do nothing. Please help even if its just by spreading the word! These children should live in peace and not in fear for their lives. Joe I hope you help even if its by putting this up on your websites. I know your hitrecord site and I thinks its an amazing site. The fact that artists can share their art and also collaborate together is great. Hopefully you can maybe do something on hitrecord that will inspire other artist to stand up and help. Thank you for reading this. “It's the action, not the fruit of the action, that's important. You have to do the right thing. It may not be in your power, may not be in your time, that there will be any fruit. But that doesn't mean you stop doing the right thing. You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result.” - Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi http://youtu.be/Y4MnpzG5Sqc

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The story of my bullshit.


 


So I am seriously considering being by myself for a while. I understand having friends and all that shit is "important" but is okay to just take some time off of being a social person. Truly all I want to do is tell the whole god damn world to fuck off sometimes. My logical side is telling me to relax the world could be a lot tougher. My I don't give a fuck side just wants to tell everyone to fuck off!! Except my family because those are the only relationships in my life that I can handle. Plus they usually keep me sane. Any who back to this god damn rant I am doing. So should I just tell the world to fuck off for at least a month and then I'll go back to being normal again. Seriously I think this is such a genius plan. Don't get me wrong I love my life but sometimes I don't have the fucking patience to deal with other peoples bullshit. I just wanna run around and be a fucking kid again. A kid that swears a lot. Fuck this I am telling the whole damn world to fuck off. I love people but fuck off. I am definitely going to be alone for a month just to keep myself sane. So goodbye sane me I'll see in about a month or so.

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This is my love letter to this wonderful site.


 


Dear hitRECord founders & hitRECord artist,


I've been apart of this site for over 3 years. This site has given me the courage to become more and more the artist I've always wanted to be. It brings me happiness to write freely. To be accepted by such an amazing community of artist. I love that I can come on here and see all of these great artist. For them to be sharing and collaborating with each other is mind blowing. That we all can set aside egos and become one. I truly wouldn't be the same if it wasn't for this site. I can express everything I feel. I can write stories about anything. I feel like this site gives us the freedom to be an artist and to share that with one another. So thank you all! You all are amazing! :)

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