-I swear to God, I just saw this large menacing-looking ball thing floating just above my head, glaring at me -- telling me I’ve done bad things that I should regret and should try and fix, y’know. And it seemed like it was reading my mind, like it knew I was scared and knew I knew what those bad things were, but I wasn’t sure if the bad things I was thinking about were the same bad things as what this ball thing was thinking they were. I wasn’t even sure if those bad things I was thinking were things I actually did or just things I made up at that moment because I was scared shitless. Well, anyway, that’s when I woke up on Sofie’s couch. I got really excited and wrote it down immediately on a notepad then started wondering why I got so God damn excited... And—don’t think I’m weird or anything, but just before I met up with you – in my car – you know, I was just thinking about how I’d explain this dream to you then take a moment to drink my coffee and say what I’m saying right now about not thinking I’m weird, but how it would be weird to say what I’m saying right now, and it’s kind of processing in my head that—that this is weird. And what do you think? This is weird, right?
-Yeah, it’s kind of weird. You alright, Peter?
-I’m glad you said that. I thought you were going to say, ‘No, man. It ain’t weird.’ So I’m glad you said what you said. Thanks, Eddie.
-You sleeping well?
-I think so.
-Sofie good?
-I think so. She got a humidifier.
-She’s not getting good air circulation in her house?
-Is that what humidifiers are for?
-Something like that.
-I’m not sure why she got it. She just got one. It’s shaped like an alligator. It’s kind of cute. Maybe that’s why she got it – maybe to tell people, 'Hey, look. Check out this alligator,' then boom! Fucking humidifier... Shit. What if she’s thinking about breaking up with me?
-Don’t talk nonsense.
-I’m not. I’m talking very sensibly.
-Why would you say such a thing? You sure you’re sleeping well?
-Yes! I’m sleeping so fucking amazingly. I’m like the Phil Nicholson of sleeping.
-You mean Phil Mickelson.
-No, I meant Jack Nicholson. The golfer.
-No, no. Jack Nicholson’s the actor.
-Shit, you’re right. I’m sorry. Brain fart. What were we talking about?
-...You stoned?
-No, I’m not fucking stoned, man. I’m just—oh, right. Sofie. I think she might be thinking about ending the relationship because of the God damn humidifier.
-Why the hell would she break up with you because of a humidifier?
-Well, exactly the reason why I said she got the alligator humidifier - to show new people her humidifier, which leads to the bedroom. You know, she wants to be like real cute when it gets to that real awkward moment with some new guy while they’re watching TV, not really talking about anything, but thinking about, y'know, what's going to happen later on in the night, and so she’ll be like, ‘Hey. Want to see my alligator?’ to break the awkwardness. The guy will give a big goofy smile and kind of chuckle then say something like, ‘What alligator?’ Then fucking boom! She says, ‘I’ll show you,' and lead the lucky bastard to her bedroom where that asshole humidifier is, and there'll be more awkwardness then they’ll fuck because that's what happens when things get heated and awkward in a bedroom. God damn it. I can’t believe this shit! Why else would she buy an alligator humidifier?
-You’re talking nonsense, Peter. Absolute nonsense. Now, stop acting foolish. Tell me what’s wrong with you.
-Honestly, nothing. I just got a lot on my mind. You want to get stoned?
-No. No, I don’t want to get stoned. Do you want to break up with Sofie? Is that it?
-No. I love the girl.
-Wait a minute. Why’d you sleep on her couch?
-I told her I had a virus.
-Why would you do that?
-Were you not listening? That God damn alligator. I tried sleeping there, but that alligator was looking at me, taunting me. I couldn’t take it any longer, so I told her that I forgot that I had a virus and slept on the couch.
-You are such an idiot, Peter. Whose genes did you get?
-I look more like Mom.
-We both look more like Mom. Why don’t you just ask her why she got her humidifier?
-I tried, but she got kind of nervous. In retrospect, it was probably because I kept asking her repeatedly like some sort of detective, but at the time, I thought it was because she was cheating on me, and she was using the humidifier to hide the guy’s scent.
-You’re a paranoid fuck! Jesus, Peter!
-Shh. You’re causing a scene.
-I don’t give a shit. You’re talking absolute madness, and I can’t take it any longer.
-Absolute madness. Interesting choice of words.
-Fuck you. How's that for interesting?
-I've heard better.