Starting something new requires bravery. I knew that. I had always understood that, for as long as I had been beginning things. It didn't change the fact that I was scared, scared of the journey, scared of how I would change, scared of what I would find out about myself. That's what you should truly be afraid of, who you'll turn out to be once it's not a beginning anymore.
The first steps towards that new direction were strange for me. I had to decide, first of all, to be ready for love. I wasn't sure that I was. After all, I'm an independent person. I solve my own problems, or at least try to before I ask anyone for help. I'm weird about being touched. For that matter, I'm just weird. I know that. But, oddly enough, I like the person that I am, and I found that I was hoping that someone else would decide that they liked the person that I am, too.
Being on my own for so long has been a conscious choice, mainly becuase I genuinely like men. I like the way they move and the way that they smell and the way that they think. I respect them and I enjoy being in their company. I don't believe in treating men like a glorified sex toy with ATM and driving capabilities and a concierge function. I don't believe in treating them like they're stupid or fundamentally broken, just because they're male.
I love watching a man read, whether it's a newspaper or a book or even a car repair manual. I love watching them fix things and take care of things. I love helping them fix things.
Seeing that about myself has helped me realize that, yes, I want a beginning. I want to find someone who's not necessarily Mr. Perfect, I just want him to be perfect for me. I also realize that it's going to take some time because he's going to have to accept that he's going to end up with a woman who's a Geek and a Nerd, who loves books and action movies and cartoons and motorcycles, who's never afraid of a good road trip but lives in terror of running out of stories. I can change the oil in my car and the tires, if the need arises, and I'm not afraid to learn how to top off automotive fluids. So, this beginning will have to include someone who is completely up for the challenge.