- Chicago, IL
- Last Record: 2013-05-20 15:30:52 -1000
- Joined: Jul 27, 2010
The 1st anniversary of the beginning of my daughter's life is approaching in three weeks. It falls two days after the 1st anniversary of the ending of my mother's life. The cosmic significance, yin-yang sort of dynamic of this has not been lost on me. Perhaps the most major ending in my life gave way to the most major beginning within 60 hours. It's been a year and I still don't know how exactly to qualify that duality, what it means and why it happend. I hate it, I know that. I hate, hate, HATE that my mom never got to meet my daughter and that Stella never got to meet my mom. I HATE that my anticipation and happiness for my daughter's birthday will always be tinged with sadness over my mom's deathday. I hate that Stella's "birth story" will always and forever have to start with, "I was at my mom's house gathering photos for the photo board at her wake and funeral, when my water broke." I hate that Stella's first "outing" was for my mom's funeral when she was just 5 days old. I hate that the beginning couldn't just be that - a beginning - why it had to be balanced with an ending.
but I guess the universe is like that huh? Give and take, life and death, opposites and all that.
But it's still not fair. And I still hate it. And it still makes me immeasurebly sad.
Stella is so much like my mom sometimes, even now. I like to think maybe as I held my mom's hand as she died a teeny bit of her soul snuck into my belly and got mixed in to Stella as she was finishing up in there.
And it's true that beginnings can't happen without some sort of ending right? Something else has to end for something to begin and that's always hard. Always hard to let something go that you've done/had for however long.