I was coming home from a party at a friend’s place on a Wednesday night in college (yes, a mid-week party…we called them “hump day parties” but don’t read into that. Although sometimes that title is accurate for some of us…but I digress…) with a friend.  I was sober by the time we left, as it was around 3 or 4 am and the party pretty much ended a couple hours earlier.

Anyway, we were walking along a path around the south end of campus when my friend decides it would be funny to grab a cattail that was growing and scratch the back of my neck with it like a bug was hovering over me. I figured it out and snatched it from him, then decide to start chasing him with it, shouting like a madman.

Before we know it, two cop cars appear out of nowhere. One cuts us off in front, the other pulls in behind us. Two officers jump out of their cars, guns at the ready.

I hear the one who has his weapon trained on me click his safety off and take aim. In my head I think “OH SHIT! I’m fucked!”

Of course, it didn’t occur to me to wonder WHY he had his gun pulled, just THAT he had his gun pulled. So just after they pull their guns and take aim, they order us to raise our hands and halt. I drop the cattail like it was a stolen gun with its serial numbers scratched off because it was used in a recent robbery and freeze in my tracks.

The officer closest to me radios, “Dispatch, this is unit 43 and unit 30, we have two suspects in custody, wait for confirmation.”

I look over to my friend and he’s grinning like a dumbass.

He’s still completely blitzed and he thinks this is some kind of game. At that moment, I decide to remind myself to kick his ass later. The officers order us both to lay down on the ground and interlace our fingers behind our heads. We’re immediately cuffed, and brought up from the ground and pushed against their respective cars. The cop with me did a quick search to determine if I was armed and told me to stand where I was.

The cop with my friend apparently wasn’t sure if he was armed and I heard the sound of a rubber glove being snapped on. “You poor motherfucker!” I think as I look over and see the cop rubbing him down rather firmly. It also occurs to me that this cop likes doing that, but then again, I never did like cops.

This was the fourth run-in with police I had in three years by that point. (just a side note, I am not nor was I a criminal…just a lot of bad luck) The other cop seemed satisfied my friend wasn’t carrying a weapon and let him stand on his own after winking at him and telling him he was cute. (ok, the last part was a lie…but come on, you were thinking it too)

The cop with me was still in a radio conversation with dispatch when he finally said, “Ok, I think we got them.” All kidding aside, I was scared at this point. If I got arrested, my dad would have murdered me then brought me back to life to murder me again.

I shoot a look at my friend and he looks back with the horror I am sure I had in my eyes. Just as we’re being placed in the back of the cop cars, they get radioed back, “Negative, unit 43, suspects have been apprehended six blocks north of your current location. Release your suspects and back up the units on site.”

The cop with my friend took him quickly out of the car, removed his cuffs, and said, “Go on, get! We’ve got places to be.”

Clearly, this dick grabber was a real dick.

The one with me removes my cuffs and said, “Sorry son, looks like those guys who were beating the shit out of each other have been picked up. You guys have a good evening.” Both cops proceed to get in their cars and peel out, headed towards the real criminals. We walked back to the dorms and proceeded to rehash our run-in with the cops with our friends for hours afterwards.

This is my story of how a cattail almost landed me in jail.

-V