I told you I would die for you but I found you were unpleased,

You said there'd be no point to life once I became deceased,

You told me I must stay alive so you'd never be depressed,

I looked into your big brown eyes and said I'd do my best,

Robin Hood's romantic line was not enough for you,

So I'll try to keep us both alive and kill the bad guys too,

I must admit it has been hard to keep myself alive,

I no longer ride airplanes and I'm too afraid to drive,

I took Tai Kwon Do, Jiu Jitsu and every Martial Art,

I'm always at the doctor getting check-ups on my heart,

I constantly check all the locks and make sure the oven's off,

I take every medication at first sign of any cough,

I never leave the house without a gun concealed somewhere,

I'm so afraid of dying; sometimes I even take a spare,

I even quit smoking cigarettes and drinking all that booze,

I'm constantly reading horoscopes and I'm addicted to the news,

I installed panic rooms and hired round-the-clock security,

I almost feel like I'm killing myself to ensure my own safety,

I change the fire alarm batteries at least once every week,

I bought us both a life-boat in case the house should ever leak,

I do all of this for you, my love, because you make my heart throb,

But it seems that dying for you might actually be the easier job.