(Adapted from the great satirical text by Jonathan Swift and suggested by librarygirl6 and endorsed by other twitterers! Please feel free to give feedback/ideas/puns! :) )
For Preventing the Children of Jellyfolk in Jellyland from being a Burden to their Parents or Country, and for Making them Beneficial to the Public
Twas four score years ago or more that we pioneering patriots first landed on the slippery shores of Jellyland. Our colonization of these gelatinous peoples was not without its trials, but, ultimately, our bold endeavour was considered a great success! The Jellyfolk were liberated from their archaic practices, freed from the tyranny of free will and assimilated into civilized society with only the merest mutterings of jellycide.
However, recent times have delivered great hardship to our near, dear neighbours. Many a time have I slid along the slippery streets of Jellyland and seen female jellies, begging for alms, with a litter of little jelly babies huddled around them, near translucent with hunger. This juvenile jelly generation faces a bleak future, while their mothers must demean themselves to the level of beggars just to feed the growing jelly tots. It is a travesty and one that must end!
Forthwith, I have a proposal. And luckily, with a little paternal pragmatism, these poor paupers can be lifted out of their impoverishment and into the thriving throngs of the working class! I have been told that a young jelly baby is at its tenderest around the age of one, just before it matures into a jelly tot. So, this is when I suggest we harvest the tasty treats! The juicy morsels will provide much needed nourishment for their kin and no longer burden their beleaguered mothers - a most simple solution to a most dire problem. My calculations suggest that if we were even to reassign half the jelly babies for nutritional purposes, then the problem of this fruity famine would be solved! This new foodstuff will not only be freely available but profoundly flexible - put it in a trifle, have it with ice cream, or simply tuck straight in to a chewy head or limb. The poor, hopeless jelly tots will be released from the futility of their futures, their mothers fed, and the sweet-teeth of the wobbly wealthy satiated affordably and efficiently!
I hope that you will take seriously my suggestion which, I pledge, is not made in the hope of any benefit to myself personally, but with the wellbeing of our wibbly-wobbly brothers and sisters at its heart.