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FADE IN:



INT. CANTEEN - DAY.



A CACOPHONY of chatter greets us as we step into the
canteen.



KELLY HUANG, mid-twenties, lifts her lunch tray, turns
around and scans the room swiftly and thoroughly. Her gaze
finds a four-seater table occupied by two men. They are
NATHAN BARTHOWSKI and BRIAN MONTGOMERY.



Kelly heads on over to them.



Nathan is poring over a crossword puzzle while Brian, seated
opposite him, watches with the sort of look you would give a
party-crasher who has decided it would be an excellent idea
to expose themselves to the invited guests.



Kelly grins: this scene is very typical.



She slides into the seat beside Brian.



NATHAN



Kels, thank god!



BRIAN



Please. Put him out of his misery
before my head explodes.



KELLY
(gesturing for the crossword)



Gimme.



Nathan obligingly hands it over, jabbing a finger at the
offending question.



KELLY
(reading)



Martin BLANK, director of Taxi
Driver.



(looks at Nathan
incredulously)



Surely you know that?



BRIAN



Oh, Nathan knows the answer. He
just can’t spell it.



Kelly near-chokes on a mouthful of chicken salad sandwich.



2.



NATHAN
(to Brian)



You don’t know how to spell it,
either!



BRIAN



S-C-O-R-C-E-S-E



Kelly opens her mouth to correct Brian, but then seems to
think better of it and closes it again.



BRIAN



You gotta admit, your suggestions
were pretty hilarious.



NATHAN



You’re an asshole.



BRIAN



Not news.



NATHAN



Dude, why do you even sit with us,
anyway? All you do is bitch and
mock.



BRIAN



I like your company. Sometimes.
(off Kelly and Nathan’s
dubious looks)



And I may have been voted off the
other tables.



KELLY



Empty tables can vote, huh?



BRIAN



I’m a human being and I need
companionship.



KELLY



See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?



Nathan has got to his feet while they were talking and is
staring intently at something or someone o.s., practically
drooling with anticipation.



NATHAN



C’mon baby.



He licks his lips.



3.



BRIAN
(to Kelly)



Don’t go spreading it around, okay?



KELLY



That you’re a human after all? My
lips are sealed. Plus, the theory
that your grandparents landed in
Roswell is pretty funny.



BRIAN



It should be. I started it.



Kelly returns to the crossword and begins to fill out the
other answers. Nathan is too focused on searching the
canteen for something (or someone) and does not protest.
Nathan suddenly races out of frame, arms out in front of him
like he’s about to tackle someone.



BRIAN



This is new.



KELLY



Huh, what is?



Brian nods in the direction of Nathan, who is returning to
their table, crestfallen.



He overhears Brian’s question.



NATHAN



I’m trying to snag one of the
ketchup bottles! Assholes keep
getting to them before me.
Those...assholes!



BRIAN
(mutters)



First world problems.



(louder)



Have you tried whistling at them?
Maybe a ’here boy,’ or two?



KELLY



How do you know they are boys?



BRIAN



Well, yelling ’hey, girl’ isn’t
very PC, is it?



4.



KELLY



Touche.



NATHAN



I don’t see why they don’t have
those little packets, you know,
like normal places!



Kelly takes a quick break from the crossword to get stuck
into her pudding cup.



KELLY



Do you really need ketchup that
badly?



NATHAN



YES!



He leaps to his feet again.



NATHAN



It’s free!



KELLY



Go get it, boy!



He does.



Kelly finishes her pudding.



KELLY



Mmm, gorgeous.



BRIAN



It’s just chocolate.



KELLY



Exactly.



She returns to that pesky crossword.



KELLY



Damnit.



BRIAN



What?



KELLY



Fourteen down.



She raises her head and flicks Brian a beseeching look.



5.



BRIAN



Fine, fine. Pass it here.



As she does so, Nathan returns to his seat flushed with
triumph, waving the ketchup bottle in the air like an Oscar.



NATHAN



I got it!



Kelly leans over and high-fives him.



Brian passes the crossword back, having filled in the
answer.



The ketchup bottle emits loud FARTING NOISES as Nathan
attempts to squeeze sauce out of it and onto his burger. He
succeeds in coaxing out a watery dribble and nothing else.



NATHAN



Oh, come on!



BRIAN



Foiled again.


NATHAN



Shut up, Brian!
(to Kelly)



What’s a nine-letter word for
douchebag?



Kelly gives him a despairing look, Brian a highly amused
one.



Nick does a mental rewind and realises his mistake.



NATHAN



DAMN.



BRIAN



And again!



KELLY



Boys, chillax.



BRIAN



’Chillax’?



KELLY



Yup, that’s what I said. It’s a
mash-up of ’chill’ and ’relax’, you
never heard of it?



6.



NATHAN



Yeah, like Brangelina!



KELLY



Yes, like...well no, Nathan, that’s
not quite the same since it’s
names...



NATHAN
(mutinous)



Similar enough.



KELLY



I guess.



NATHAN



So who’s your favourite celebrity
couple, anyway?



KELLY



Uh --



BRIAN



That’s a bit like asking ’who’s
your favourite dictator’?



KELLY



No, it isn’t. Cut it out, Bri.



NATHAN



Didn’t we don’t do that at last
week’s round robin, anyway?



KELLY



Do...what?



NATHAN



Did a round robin on who our
favourite dictators were.



Kelly buries her head in her hands. How can a sentient being
who went through college be so daft?



KELLY



Diners, Nathan! It was a round
robin on our favourite diners.



NATHAN



Oh.
(trying to save face)



But you have to admit, those words
are quite similar.



7.



BRIAN



Of course. Diners and Stalin, who
could possibly tell the difference?



NATHAN



Can we evict him?



KELLY



Not straight away. We need to give
him thirty days notice. We’re not
slum landlords here.



Amused at having Brian on the back foot for once, Nathan
finally gets going on his (by now rather cold) burger.
Brian watches him eat, looking rather guilty.



BRIAN
(clears throat)



Nathan.



NATHAN



What?



BRIAN



I didn’t know how to spell
Scorsese.



NATHAN



Really?



BRIAN



Really. I looked it up on the
internet.



He takes his cellphone out of his pocket.



NATHAN



Oh. Oh.



He LAUGHS.



NATHAN



So...you were just pretending you
knew?



Brian nods, looking appropriately sheepish. Kelly ducks her
head, hiding a smile - she knows Brian is spelling it wrong.
Confidence boosted, Nathan returns to his food and finishes
up.



8.



NATHAN



I gotta get going. See you!



KELLY



See ya!



BRIAN



Bye.



He leaves.



KELLY



And to think, your co-workers in IT
call you the Dark Lord.



BRIAN



Whatever do you mean?



KELLY



You know how to spell
supercalla...call...whatever the
hell it is. How can you not know
Martin Scorsese.



BRIAN
(ignoring her)



Anything else you need help with on
the crossword, Kelly?



KELLY



Nah. Feel free to check it over.
She hands it to him.



BRIAN



What can I say. I felt sorry for
the little idiot.



KELLY



You’re all heart.



BRIAN



Like I said...don’t let it get
around.



Kelly points to her nose.



Brian pushes the crossword back over once more and gets to
his feet - his break is over too.



KELLY



Scorsese is spelled
S-C-O-R-S-E-S-E.



9.



(off Brian’s dumbfounded look)



Thought you ought to know.



FADE TO BLACK.



END.

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