INT. CANTEEN - DAY.
A CACOPHONY of chatter greets us as we step into the
KELLY HUANG, mid-twenties, lifts her lunch tray, turns
around and scans the room swiftly and thoroughly. Her gaze
finds a four-seater table occupied by two men. They are
NATHAN BARTHOWSKI and BRIAN MONTGOMERY.
Kelly heads on over to them.
Nathan is poring over a crossword puzzle while Brian, seated
opposite him, watches with the sort of look you would give a
party-crasher who has decided it would be an excellent idea
to expose themselves to the invited guests.
Kelly grins: this scene is very typical.
She slides into the seat beside Brian.
Kels, thank god!
Please. Put him out of his misery
before my head explodes.
(gesturing for the crossword)
Nathan obligingly hands it over, jabbing a finger at the
Martin BLANK, director of Taxi
(looks at Nathan
Surely you know that?
Oh, Nathan knows the answer. He
just can’t spell it.
Kelly near-chokes on a mouthful of chicken salad sandwich.
You don’t know how to spell it,
Kelly opens her mouth to correct Brian, but then seems to
think better of it and closes it again.
You gotta admit, your suggestions
were pretty hilarious.
You’re an asshole.
Dude, why do you even sit with us,
anyway? All you do is bitch and
I like your company. Sometimes.
(off Kelly and Nathan’s
And I may have been voted off the
Empty tables can vote, huh?
I’m a human being and I need
See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?
Nathan has got to his feet while they were talking and is
staring intently at something or someone o.s., practically
drooling with anticipation.
He licks his lips.
Don’t go spreading it around, okay?
That you’re a human after all? My
lips are sealed. Plus, the theory
that your grandparents landed in
Roswell is pretty funny.
It should be. I started it.
Kelly returns to the crossword and begins to fill out the
other answers. Nathan is too focused on searching the
canteen for something (or someone) and does not protest.
Nathan suddenly races out of frame, arms out in front of him
like he’s about to tackle someone.
This is new.
Huh, what is?
Brian nods in the direction of Nathan, who is returning to
their table, crestfallen.
He overhears Brian’s question.
I’m trying to snag one of the
ketchup bottles! Assholes keep
getting to them before me.
First world problems.
Have you tried whistling at them?
Maybe a ’here boy,’ or two?
How do you know they are boys?
Well, yelling ’hey, girl’ isn’t
very PC, is it?
I don’t see why they don’t have
those little packets, you know,
like normal places!
Kelly takes a quick break from the crossword to get stuck
into her pudding cup.
Do you really need ketchup that
He leaps to his feet again.
Go get it, boy!
Kelly finishes her pudding.
It’s just chocolate.
She returns to that pesky crossword.
She raises her head and flicks Brian a beseeching look.
Fine, fine. Pass it here.
As she does so, Nathan returns to his seat flushed with
triumph, waving the ketchup bottle in the air like an Oscar.
I got it!
Kelly leans over and high-fives him.
Brian passes the crossword back, having filled in the
The ketchup bottle emits loud FARTING NOISES as Nathan
attempts to squeeze sauce out of it and onto his burger. He
succeeds in coaxing out a watery dribble and nothing else.
Oh, come on!
Shut up, Brian!
What’s a nine-letter word for
Kelly gives him a despairing look, Brian a highly amused
Nick does a mental rewind and realises his mistake.
Yup, that’s what I said. It’s a
mash-up of ’chill’ and ’relax’, you
never heard of it?
Yeah, like Brangelina!
Yes, like...well no, Nathan, that’s
not quite the same since it’s
So who’s your favourite celebrity
That’s a bit like asking ’who’s
your favourite dictator’?
No, it isn’t. Cut it out, Bri.
Didn’t we don’t do that at last
week’s round robin, anyway?
Did a round robin on who our
favourite dictators were.
Kelly buries her head in her hands. How can a sentient being
who went through college be so daft?
Diners, Nathan! It was a round
robin on our favourite diners.
(trying to save face)
But you have to admit, those words
are quite similar.
Of course. Diners and Stalin, who
could possibly tell the difference?
Can we evict him?
Not straight away. We need to give
him thirty days notice. We’re not
slum landlords here.
Amused at having Brian on the back foot for once, Nathan
finally gets going on his (by now rather cold) burger.
Brian watches him eat, looking rather guilty.
I didn’t know how to spell
Really. I looked it up on the
He takes his cellphone out of his pocket.
So...you were just pretending you
Brian nods, looking appropriately sheepish. Kelly ducks her
head, hiding a smile - she knows Brian is spelling it wrong.
Confidence boosted, Nathan returns to his food and finishes
I gotta get going. See you!
And to think, your co-workers in IT
call you the Dark Lord.
Whatever do you mean?
You know how to spell
hell it is. How can you not know
Anything else you need help with on
the crossword, Kelly?
Nah. Feel free to check it over.
She hands it to him.
What can I say. I felt sorry for
the little idiot.
You’re all heart.
Like I said...don’t let it get
Kelly points to her nose.
Brian pushes the crossword back over once more and gets to
his feet - his break is over too.
Scorsese is spelled
(off Brian’s dumbfounded look)
Thought you ought to know.
FADE TO BLACK.