(A cappella/Spoken intro, with gradual orchestral accompaniment)

A million Wall Street brokers
Just broke ten randy smiles
With news from travel agents
Of frequent flier miles

They'll flock to sandy beaches
Undress on sandy shores
Lay out 'neath that old sky-scape
Getting sandy in their pores

But me, I'm stuck here serving
For a crime I didn't commit
It's more than a little unnerving
It's like riding a wave of shit

Go ahead, dear, book St. Thomas
By all means, sir, take St. John
And wash away this city
Hierolatry rights all wrongs

(Wake up the band/Sweeping vocals)

I'm just a waitress in waiting
I'm not even a speck on St. Croix
I'm not worth wealthy men dating
I'm just Sandy Noyes!

I'm just a waitress on hiatus
From a life one smeary tabloid destroys
Caught playing the undercover agent
But it's just me, it's Sandy Noyes!

(Accompanied/Looser than opening verses)

You can keep all your lint in your pockets
Men who can't tip are my favorite beaus
But your eyes belong in your eye sockets
And I belong here with my woes

Fashion-challenged plumbers offer me moonlight
Jovian cabbies, they offer me night
What I wouldn't give for a hunk of dark chocolate
And a map that reminds me what's right

(Enter the chorus evoked by New York is Awesome (Monstrous and Abominable))

We puff pastries in the puffiest dimensions
(New York!)
We slice cheesecake in all the best styles
(New York!)
When the mayor comes, we give him the mentions
(New York!)
But nobody ever mentions me
(New York!)
And there's no dessert, just--

Tea!
Coffee!
Toast!
Ham!
(Over here, Miss, can I get a little jam?)

Oh! My, my! Why, of course you can, Sam

I'm just a waitress in waiting
Not a glint from those City Hall boys
I'm not worth important men debating
I'm just Sandy Noyes!

I'm just a waitress on hiatus
From a life one smeary tabloid destroys
Caught playing the undercover agent
But it's just me, it's Sandy Noyes!

Yes, it's me, it's Sandy Noyes!
(Honest!)
Over here, look! I'm Sandy Noyes!
(She's for real!)
Well, come on, New York! Meet Sandy Noyes!
(Charmed, we're sure!)

Oh, well! One day, I'll be Sandy Noyes!
(New York!)

(Sung or shouted coda:)

And that'll mean something, New York
You perishable Mecca of too-cool-for-schoolies
You rotten oasis of way-too-cool-for-coolies
(Shut your mouth!)