JOE
So, are you seeing anyone these 
days?
JARED
No.  No, I’m dating, here and 
there, but no, I’m in a place where 
I’m just really enjoying being 
alone.  I’m in a good place.  How 
about you, how are things going 
with Kim?
JOE
Fantastic.
JARED
Yeah?  Good.
JOE
Yeah, just, so great.
JARED
That’s terrific.
JOE
Just beautifully.  You know when it 
clicks and it just feels right, but 
in a way it hasn’t felt right 
before, and you’re happy and your 
life is like a movie all of a 
sudden, just the world looks 
exciting and, I’m really, really 
happy.  It’s great.  Couldn’t be 
happier.
JARED
You know what, fuck you man.  
(A beat)
You know I’ve been in a dry spell, 
I’m glad you’re so fucking happy, 
thanks for expounding on it.
JOE
You said you were enjoying being 
alone
JARED
Yeah, really?  Who the fuck enjoys 
being alone?  


2.
JARED (CONT'D)
Maybe, maybe in the two weeks after 
you break up with someone you’ve 
been with for ten years but 
generally no, that’s a thing you 
say when you don’t want to talk 
about how miserable you are being 
alone.  Jeez.  Like a movie, huh?
JOE
Alright, I’m sorry
JARED
No I’m glad you’re enjoying the 
happy ending movie of your life. 
You know what love looks like to 
me?  A slasher movie.  All the 
happy couples you know, over the 
next however many years they’re all 
gonna get miserable and break up 
and get picked off one by one by 
the masked lumbering killer that is 
reality.  And maybe you’ll be 
surprised by who gets the machete 
next  - “Oh I didn’t think they’d 
kill off Matthew Perry and 
whatshername, they were kinda the 
biggest stars in this thing,” - but 
they’re all going down in the end, 
and the ones that survive, you know 
what they get? 40 years from now 
they get to die for real, not 
metaphorically.  Love is a slow, 
boring 40 year long slasher movie 
starring Matthew Perry, post-
Friends.
JOE
That’s messed up man.  And it’s not 
even honest.  You’ve been in love, 
you know - it’s more like, if it’s 
anything then love is a musical.  
Where - hold on - where the plot is 
rote at best, it’s happened a 
thousand times before, but what 
matters is that you’re suddenly in 
this place where the way you feel 
about someone makes the world stop 
and turn into a stage for you to 
just start dancing and singing for 
two minutes and tell them about it.  


3.
JOE (CONT'D)
And you’re flying in the air and 
fucking chimney sweeps are dancing 
with you and it all makes sense and 
it’s totally right and beautiful, 
that’s love.  Love is a musical.
JARED
You’re making me ill.  The taste of 
vomit is just rising - are you 
serious with that shit?  You know 
what popular entertainment love is 
if you’re honest, it’s a 
presidential election.
JOE
Really.
JARED
A presidential election, where you 
fool yourself into thinking you’re 
voting for with a person you know 
and trust and believe in, someone 
with your best interests at heart 
who won’t let you down, when in 
reality you’re just choosing whose 
carefully constructed facade of 
bullshit to swallow.
JOE
If by “facade of bullshit” you mean 
a heightened and foreign version of 
the world around you then yeah, 
love forces you to adjust to that, 
but like a good science fiction 
movie once you buy this “bullshit” 
it becomes a real framework for 
stories that could never take place 
in your ordinary world.
JARED
Who cares what it does to your 
world when this cloud of doom like 
a disaster movie hangs over all of 
it, and we’re not John Cusack, 
we’re CG extras in a disaster movie
JOE
Everything’s doomed, but love’s 
like a western, you can whine that 
the railroad’s being built, our 
days on the wide open plain are 
numbered but if you don’t find some 
romance to savor in the meanwhile


4.
JARED
Sure if you find romance in 
heartless bitter emptiness then 
love’s a film noir and nobody wins 
in the end
JOE
Love is a happy ending
JARED
Love is a tragedy
JOE
Love is a joyous comedy!
JARED
Love is a holocaust documentary!
A long beat.
JOE
No I’m actually interested in 
hearing that one
JARED
I got carried away there, on that 
last one.  I’m rescinding it.
Silence.
JOE
Kim wants to set you up with her 
friend from work.
JARED
The one with the glasses?
(beat)
Yeah alright.