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The lights in the auditorium come up revealing JOE. He is wearing an expensive tuxedo but it is slightly disheveled. Seated to his right is a beautiful woman, also dressed formally. The seat to his left is empty. JOE reaches into his jacket and takes a draw from a flask.



JOE


Want some?


The woman doesn't reply.


More for me!

(drinking)


So...where’d your dad go?


WOMAN


He’s not my Dad!


JOE


Oh...I guess that would explain the kissing.


WOMAN


I guess this would explain why you're alone.


JOE looks over at the empty seat beside him.


JOE


She wasnt feeling too well.


WOMAN


(concerned)


Oh...Well, Im sorry.


JOE


Dont be, shes a whore.


WOMAN


Thats a horrible thing to say!


JOE


Oh yeah, I guess you’re right. Whores get paid.


There is an uncomfortable silence between the two.


So, the old guy?


WOMAN


Hes not that old.... hes nice.


JOE


Nice? Nice? Fuck nice! My grandmother’s nice! How did that guy, that OLD guy, land a girl like you?


WOMAN


What do you mean ‘a girl like me?’


JOE


Oh give it a rest lady you know what I mean. Youre gorgeous he’s.. he’s Gandalf!


The woman looks at him for a moment and then bursts into laughter.The woman takes the flask from JOE and takes a long pull. Coughing.


WOMAN


Oh fuck.


Another drink.

E-Harmony.




JOE


You're kidding?


WOMAN


A friend talked me into it


JOE takes the flasks back from her. Drinks.


JOE


Is that friend ninety and still in the bathroom?


She takes the flask. Drinks.


WOMAN


He’s not ninety, he’s … I dont know, but he’s not ninety.


JOE


So how did you even up trolling for guys online?


WOMAN


I told you, a frien...


JOE


Yeah I know a friend talked you into it. But how did it come to that?


WOMAN


Because I was sick of dating assholes. Youre only talking to me because you want to get in my pants.


JOE


Dress. and No, Im only talking to you because you are sitting beside me. If it had been you who went off to drop a deuce Id be sitting here talking to Mattlock about how he managed to get a girl like you.


WOMAN


Youre so gross.


JOE


So why not me?


WOMAN


Huh?


JOE


Why not a guy like me?


WOMAN


Thats not what you said.


JOE


Yeah fuck it, why not me? What does that guy have that I dont? Aside from an overactive bladder.


WOMAN


Its not what he has, its what you dont?


JOE


Thats what she said.


WOMAN


What? That doesnt even make sense. You're supposed to say ‘thats what she said’ when...


JOE


No. That’s what She said.



JOE nods over to the empty seat.

 


 


WOMAN


Oh.




The music comes up indicating intermission is nearly over. JOE and WOMAN sit unspeaking.



CURTAIN



 

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Dénouement
fredwatford Released Sep 27, 2011
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