i am not supposed to laugh at being sick i am not supposed to laugh at the rambling medical terms i am not supposed to laugh at the bright orange pee i am not supposed to laugh at the weight loss i am not supposed to laugh at the weight gain i am not supposed to laugh at how my skin is peeling off and my hair is falling out and my eyes are sunken in and i am not supposed to laugh at how i can’t fucking taste anything

but maybe none of that is funny (except for pissing orange and how the stain in my underwear is sort of a happy face if you squint)

maybe cancer isn’t ha-ha and maybe it isn’t medical marijuana ha-ha (because i didn’t have that because i didn’t think of it because i probably wouldn’t have been allowed anyway) and maybe it isn’t even oxycontin ha-ha (or oxycontin boo-hoo) but please, go right ahead and tell me what i’m supposed to feel empty about what i’m supposed to choke on what i’m supposed to laugh at

when you are sick you fight it and even if you stay alive that doesn’t mean you win, you win if you beat it you win if it goes away and doesn’t come back so i suppose that’s why i haven’t received my medal yet, i’m still young and there’s still time 

for six years now i’ve been a SURVIVOR I’M NOT GON’ GIVE UP but that is plagiarism and poor grammar so maybe i am not that, ‘survivor’ isn’t a title i find admirable or so i’ve mentioned before because struggle isn’t a competition, not really, we just make it so because everyone’s dying (ha-ha) to convince people their pain in the ass is the absolute most worstest of all the pains in the ass (MY PAIN IS MORE PAINFUL THAN YOUR PAIN, WHO CARES IF YOU STUBBED YOUR TOE I BLEED FOR A WEEK EVERY MONTH  FROM A WOUND THAT NEVER HEALS (but not really) BAWWWW)

pity’s a party and everyone’s invited

surviving is something everybody does, so who the fuck decided we should give out awards to who does it best?

survive your best friend dying survive your mom dying your dad dying survive everyone you love dying survive losing your job your house your car survive spilling hot coffee on your dick survive being alone survive a paper cut survive know-nothing assholes who shove pills down your throat and expect a thank you survive earthquakes and tsunamis survive the surgery you didn’t ask for survive the walk around the hospital corridor survive the break up survive the distance survive the word ‘no’ survive a word some people are afraid to say (the ‘c’ word, like it’s Voldemort and saying the name will summon it) 

but heaven forbid you laugh.