Please check out the FILMED VERSION of this script in the results below! <3

FADE IN:

INT. ROOM. DAY.

ANGRY MAN stares moodily into the camera. He looks down and back up again. He tilts the camera down to reveal a stack of mail on the table. Angry Man beings to look though the mail, looking up at the camera periodically.

ANGRY MAN

I hate mail. It’s always bills. Or wedding invitations. I hate weddings. All the happy people, and the food, and the kissing, and –

He looks away from the camera, down at his mail.

ANGRY MAN

I hate kissing.

He holds up a large envelope, stares into the camera.

ANGRY MAN

I hate mysterious packages. You never know what’s in them. It could be cheese, or, or, gardening tools, or, or, underwear.

He sets the envelope down.

ANGRY MAN

I hate underwear.

He holds up a bill.

ANGRY MAN

I hate the shape of business envelopes. It’s like they’re a difference size than normal envelopes because they think they’re better than other envelopes.

Angry Man glares at the envelope.

ANGRY MAN

I hate pretentiousness. I hate snobs, and narcissists, and, and…narwhals. I hate narwhals.

He puts down the envelope, glares down at the mail.

ANGRY MAN

I hate things that look the same. I hate twins. I hate triplets. Hate quadruplets. I hate… quadraphonics. And audiophonics. And audiovisuals, and visual aids, and –

He stares into the camera.

ANGRY MAN

I hate blind people. And sick people. People who jaywalk. And garbage men. And policemen. And mailmen. Mailwomen. Mail…people. I hate people who make up words and force other people to use them. Hate forcefulness.

He looks away from the camera for a second, looks back.

ANGRY MAN

I hate the sound of an envelope opening. I hate stamps. I hate licking stamps. Hate putting them on an envelope and pressing down on them to make them stick. Hate…mailboxes. Mail trucks. Fire trucks. Hate fire. I hate the sound of coals being poked with a stick. Hate trees. Hate leaves.

Angry Man glares into the camera for a few seconds in silence.

ANGRY MAN

I hate…energy saving light bulbs.

He looks away.

CUT TO BLACK.

~

It's not as good as the original, but I had a ton of fun writing it. Hope you like it, McEvoy.

Angry Man should have his own show. <3