i often cry myself awake when i’m dreaming - A. always hears me and wakes up first. he shakes my shoulder and i languidly drag myself away from the dream and into reality. the bed sheets shift into focus and i pull myself out of one version of my life and into the true one.
it feels a lot like stepping out from the cinema into blinding daylight. your eyes adjust and you find the surface of yourself discussing whether you’re hungry or when the next bus is, but you’re still smarting from the story on screen. in the back of your mind, you’re still deciphering what it was trying to say, what it means to you.
when the dream fades and i rub my wet eyes and he asks blearily if i’m okay and the surface of myself says, “yes, it was just a dream”, i’m always still reeling from the emotion. in the dreams, i am always crying for the most mundane of reasons. my reaction is overblown and melodramatic, but it all seems so very real and justified while i’m asleep. my very essence is saturated in the darkest pain and i’m completely tangled up in it.
i nearly always fall asleep again straight away, but i can still feel the echo of it hours later when it’s time to get up. i’m still deciphering myself, asking why such a trivial thing made me react so violently. usually, i don’t find an answer and i’ve shrugged it off before lunch.
other times, i grasp ahold of the feeling and carry it with me for as long as possible. and although i ache, i also feel a sense of rejuvenation. like i just needed to cry something out of me, like sucking at a snake bite. there is a victory in there that i can’t quite put my finger on.
i think this is the only way my body knows how to get rid of a sadness that keeps pooling in me. and i think i will probably wake myself up crying for the rest of my life.