This short play is about two men challenging each other to a duel over a woman, but they struggle with scheduling... and other more severe problems.
(GEOFFREY's pants are down and he's
humping an imaginary woman on the floor
on the right side of the stage. He is
thoroughly invested in the act. He brushes
his hair back and pants.)
Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. That is a good location because it is giving me pleasure that I enjoy because pleasure is a phenomenal feeling. Oh, yeah. Thank you.
(TIMOTHY walks onto the center of the
stage and addresses the audience.)
I will be doubling as the narrator of our story and will be coming in the room later as an attractive Englishman. Okay, um, I'm the narrator right... now. All right.
(TIMOTHY clears his throat and has a
straight posture. He speaks with an English
The year is 1777 and the place, the wealthy Teabourne estate located in the Menchiba region of North West England.
(TIMOTHY looks over at GEOFFREY
humping the imaginary woman then back at
That thing that man is penetrating with adroit rhythm is strikingly beautiful Eve. She is the most beautiful woman in England. I would love to spend time with her in bed discussing politics and philosophy so that she will be impressed my intellect and will proceed in having sweet, gentle love with me. But I digress. Pretty soon, Lord Timothy Fineman will enter the room. I shall now depart.
(TIMOTHY walks off stage then reappears,
opening a door. His eyes are wild and wide
open. GEOFFREY stops humping and
looks up at TIMOTHY, surprised and
How dare you make love to my mistress! I challenge you to a duel!
(GEOFFREY sits up, outraged.)
What did you say?! She is my wife! You make love to my wife and break into my house?! I accept your challenge! A duel to the death!
(TIMOTHY looks a little nervous, but
recovers when GEOFFREY slips his pants
on and approaches him threateningly.)
To... tomorrow then! Seven in the morning!
Absolutely not! I awake at twelve. At the earliest.
(GEOFFREY rubs his chin as he ponders.)
Hm... What about sometime in the evening?
I work until ten at night, and after work, I will be exhausted you... you selfish man.
Yes. Selfish! An evening duel? Who do you think you are? I am a morning man just like
any sane man.
You broke into my house!
Yes, because I love Eve. She is my mistress.
She is my wife!
(GEOFFREY paces back and forth,
We obviously must discuss the date and time of this duel more thoroughly after we've
had some food in our stomachs. Not that you have one...
Timothy. Timothy Fine... man.
(TIMOTHY winks and smiles at the
audience then looks back at GEOFFREY.)
And you, the man I will kill?
Teabourne. Geoffrey Teabourne. How did you find my house?
I saw you holding hands with my beloved Eve in town, and I got suspicious. I followed
you two back here.
Okay. Then why did you decide to break in after we had already started having sex?
Couldn't you have confronted us earlier? Say when I was telling Eve how I wanted to
smell the aroma flowing from under her dress?
I... I thought I should give you one last opportunity to be in coitus with my love.
(TIMOTHY approaches the spot where
GEOFFREY was humping. He kneels.)
I love you so much, my darling. Your smell captivates me.
Who do you speak to? Eve had walked across the other side of the room after you came in.
I do not! I will make love to her right now. You'll see.
(GEOFFREY walks to the left side of the
stage, takes his pants off, and proceeds to
hump the floor. TIMOTHY laughs.)
Ha! You're making love to the floor. I suppose a duel is not necessary.
Oh, yes. I enjoy it in that particular spot! Yes! Very exceptional! I respect your work! I respect your work!
You... You're trying to make me jealous, aren't you, Teabourne?
You are so visually appealing. Yes!
Fine. Continue to act as if you are making love to Eve. I will do... enjoyable things with the real Eve.
(Still kneeling, TIMOTHY unzips his pants
and looks at the imaginary woman.)
Go on, Eve.... Touch it.
Oh my! Eve, you are touching it too much, but I'm perfectly fine with it!
Please, Eve.... I know your husband is across the room having sex with the floor, and yes, it's making me a little nervous, but I adore you and you should touch my body. We'll do it without the ladle this time.
(TIMOTHY tilts his head back with his eyes
closed in pleasure.)
What wonderful feeling! Profound!
I shall enter you now.
(TIMOTHY pulls down his pants and
humps the floor just as GEOFFREY is
across the stage. They moan and pant
heavily. After a moment, GEOFFREY and
TIMOTHY both get up, pull their pants up,
and walk center stage. They look serious.)
That was the end of our play. This was a serious problem many men from the 18th century and today, many men face the same problem.
The kids call it humping the air or the floor, but it's a serious disease called Air Fucking Syndrome.
I wrote this play for the men in my family from this generation and generations before. All the men in my family have suffered this vicious disease. Shit... I'll be right back.
(TIMOTHY walks towards the back and
humps the curtains with his fist pumping in
the air. GEOFFREY looks very
uncomfortable. He whispers to someone
Jason. Jason! What the hell do I do?
This is nice. This is... good sensation throughout all... my body.