Not sure where in my dark and perverse mind this came from, but:
I was thinking it could be fun (and funny) to develop a character so insecure with his manhood and masculinity that he tries (and fails) to compensate for it with his gun and how he talks about it.
For example: this guy is in situations — shooting range, hunting lodge, wherever — everything seems somewhat normal, when unprompted and out of nowhere, he interjects with an outburst about his "stiff, long, piece..." Everone around him is put-off and looks and him like a weirdo...
I think this kind of character could work as a few 30-second sketches throughout the episode. Or, maybe longer...? Or, maybe not-at-all! :P
INT. SHOOTING RANGE
MAN 1 and MAN 2 sitting side by side, cleaning their semi-automatics. MAN 1 is stoic and focused on his task while MAN 2 chatters incessantly.
MAN 2: Check out the length on this thing. Pretty sick, right? I tried showing this one chick I picked up at the bar and she practically left running. Poor girl was intimidated by the sheer size of it, can you blame her? Doesn’t matter though – she probably wouldn’t have been able to lift it, she was so small. Like, she looked breakable, dude. Find me a woman who can handle something this massive and – whoa, buddy - I’ll sign right up.
(laughs at own joke)
Y’feel me, right, bro?
MAN 1: (sighs audibly)
GENE and KELLY sit across DR. HESTON
DR. HESTON: "Gene? Kelly? I am Doctor Theodore Heston and I would like to help save your marriage. First off, what seems to be the problem? Lack of communication? Lack of trust? Lack of adventure? Jealousy? Adultry? What is it? That way we'll know what to work on. One step at a time. "
GENE: "I'll tell ya, doc! She's saying it's 'too small'!
KELLY: "I didn't say it was 'too small!' I just said it wasn't big enough!
GENE: "What do you mean it's not big enough?!"
KELLY: "It just doesn't satisfy me."
GENE: "Since when?!"
Kelly doesn't answer but looks away suspiciously.
GENE: "Since you saw Roger's huh?"
DR. HESTON: "Who might I ask is Roger?"
GENE: "Kelly's Yenta friend's husband and my old best friend."
KELLY: "You leave Grace out of this! "
GENE: "It's not just her! It's all of your Yenta friends. They all have to go around and tell you how big their husbands' are!"
KELLY: "They're not all that big, Gene."
GENE: "How many have you've seen?!"
Dr. Heston presses on the Intercom on his desk.
DR. HESTON: (on the Intercom) "Maddie, cancel all my appointments for the rest of day. (to himself) "This just got good."
GENE: "How many have you seen, Kelly?!"
KELLY: "Before or after we were married?!"
GENE: "How long has this been going on?! Even when we were dating?!"
KELLY: "It was only once when we were dating. I went to Bethanne's bachelorette party and she was always a Steven Seagal fan."
Dr. Heston's lost on that one.
GENE: "Oh my God. Just please, Kelly. Tell me you just saw Roger's. Hell, I've seen it. I know how big it is. I'm envious of him but I understand."
Even more puzzlement on Dr. Heston's face.
KELLY: "I just saw Roger's."
Gene let's out a huge sigh of relief.
KELLY: "And Petey's....And Willy's...And Jimmy's....Not to mention Johnny's.
GENE: "Oh, not those dicks!"
Dr. Heston's eyes bulge.
GENE: "How could you do that to me?!"
KELLY: "Well with you working all the time and the kids now in college, I got a little curious so the girls took me to the club and they got 'em out and I saw them in action."
GENE: "But they didn't protect you from that robbery we had last month, did they?!"
Dr. Heston's completely lost.
KELLY: (O.S.) "You're over-reacting."
Gene gives his full attention to the doctor.
GENE: "Doc, let me ask and show you something. Man-to-man."
Gene stands up and reaches in his pants. Heston's getting uncomfortable and starts to squirm in his chair.
DR. HESTON: "Oh, please. I'm not that kind of doctor."
Gene pulls out a Derringer pistol and practically shoves it in Heston's face.
GENE: "You don't think this could satisfy a woman? You don't think this could please her?"
DR. HESTON: "That's what this is about?"
Gene looks to his wife
GENE: "Kelly, let's try something different this time. Please tell me the truth. You didn't shoot any of their weapons, did you? You saw them and what they can do, but you didn't actually touch them, grip them, and ...(starting to get sick)...pull the...(gagging)....pull the..."
KELLY: "Gene, no. I didn't fire any off. I didn't even get near them."
GENE: "Please let that be true. What about Roger's."
KELLY: "No. I never touched Roger's or anybody's and it was tempting but they all belong to their wives and your little guy belongs to me."
GENE: (crying) "You really mean that?"
KELLY: "Of course, I do. I love you, Gene."
GENE: "I love you too, Kelly. Doc! You're the best!"
Gene extends a hand over the table. Dr. Heston pops several pills and downs it with a fluid. He unenthusiastically shakes Gene's hand.
KELLY: "Thanks Dr. Nugent."
DR. HESTON: "It's Heston."
KELLY: "That's quite a piece you have."
Heston embarrassingly looks down at his crotch.
DR. HESTON: "Um, thank you."
Kelly points at a photograph of Heston in hunting gear, holding a rifle.
GENE: "You can't go two minutes without looking, can you?! I thought we had a breakthrough?!"
Kelly rolls her eyes
KELLY: "See you next week, Doc."
GENE: "Now what's that supposed to mean?!"
The couple exit.
Dr. Heston shakes his head.
Potential dialogue for the Main Character if they are part of a gang of Bank Robbers:
"We need big, bulging pieces like this (referring to his own Gun) for this job - cocked and loaded, ready to spew. We can't go in there spraying with just Semi's!"
Potential dialogue for the Main Character if they are part of a Deer Hunting trip:
"Look at all those big, young bucks out there... They don't know what's comin' for 'em. Oh yeah, I'm about to pull down this zipper (to his rifle bag) and whip out my gigantic piece. I'll wrap my hands around it, feel its girth, and then unload."
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