The Dark –Noir/Hard-Boiled Detective Electrician Thriller
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
A typical dark, wet, city street from any Noir film. A 2nd storey building window features the name “Lightfoot Electrical” stenciled on it.
It was raining. (Sound of RAIN) The type of rain that always seems to be accompanied by a lone saxophone. (SAX starts) In a city like this, even the soundtrack ends up in the gutters.
A tiny, cramped and cluttered office containing a desk, filing cabinets, impossibly slow ceiling fan, and business name stenciled on door. Light from the street cuts through the venetian blinds casting shadows. A worn out looking man LIGHTFOOT, sits with his feet up on the desk which contains nothing else but a bottle of cheap liquor. He’s dressed like a typical hard-boiled detective, except he’s actually an electrician.
The sign on my door said I was open for business. But the files on my desk said there was none.
A young, well dressed woman, BUSTY enters.
NARRATOR (VO) CONT.
I could tell the moment I saw her, the dame in the doorway was trouble.
She had eyes like a cup of Costa Rican and pair of legs that went up to where legs were meant to go. It was a trip I wouldn’t mind taking but in this town, a vacation like that could get your light snuffed. So I settled for the coffee.
The guy downstairs says you’re the guy to see about a light bulb…
…She says, her voice low and husky like the light from a dusty desk lamp, begging you to lean in a little closer.
The guy downstairs would be right. Say, you’re Charlie...
When Charlie Black enters the apartment and finds Busty and Lightfoot in the closet, maybe he can say, in all seriousness, with his gun drawn: "How many low-down rotten finks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" A loud shot is then heard and the lights go out. Amid the rising smoke, Charlie reveals the punchline: "Apparently, two."
Granted, that is not funny in a ha-ha way, so here are some other options, which are also not funny.
Q: How many hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.
Q: How many mystery novelists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and the other to give it a good twist at the end.
When Ilmatic and I were first collabing on this, we tossed around the title "To Change A Bulb" (as in To Catch A Thief), and I recorded a VO/sax REC with a couple of reworked lines:
- "The guy downstairs would be right. Say, you’re Busty Lumiere, Charlie Black's girl. Why don't you get him to change your light bulb?" - This way, we can establish early on what her name is (and get a laugh) rather than introducing it passively at the end.
- "I had a feeling this was going to end badly. Like the time the squirrel got into the fuse box. But I decided to help her anyway. Legs like those could turn on a dead lightning bug." - We get a good groan-laugh before our transition scene between locations.
Congrats, License To Il! I've been pulling for this to be a collab for a long time, and I can't wait to see where it goes!!
He calls her name several more times until he comes to the closed closet door. The sound of FUMBLING comes from within. He reaches out, turns the knob and opens the door revealing LIGHTFOOT and BUSTY locked in a 1950’s style Hollywood smooch!
You know each other?
Local #13...Charlie's the "Big Bulb".
When you're through in here Lightfoot, can you come take a look at my closet? I'm tired of those 40 watts...I need a guy to give me a full 100.
Can I join y'all?
Sure...but first I'm gonna need to change toolbelts...
and, by the way, 3-phase will cost youse guys overtime.
WRITERS: Contribute a new, shocking ending to THIS SCRIPT. Also, contribute any puns & innuendos that fit within the script.