Like most modern day sports, the origin of the balance beam began with pirates.

During the late 18th century, it became popular for pillaging pirates to punish their captives by having them "walk the plank." The plank was a narrow, wooden board that extended over the ocean. Initially, victims would walk off of the plank with their hands bound and weights strapped to their ankles. After awhile, the pirates became bored with this method and began looking for more entertaining torture techniques. It was Black Jack Sculley - a seafaring rogue aboard the most infamous of pirate ships, the Iron Cross - who first suggested that the victims be forced to perform for their lives.

"Arrrrrrgh, if ye be dancin' on the plank, ye may find yer salvation. ARRRRRGH!" (Lewis, Pirates of the Past, Modern Olympians, p. 56)

From then on, victims were forced to perform dance skills as they walked down the plank. The pirates would gather around the sides of the ship to watch and engaged in lively discussions about the quality of the victim's balancing skills. They spared the lives of those prisoners who showed the most daring and creative routines. Some routines were so impressive that detailed records of the skills were kept. Eventually, a scoring system was developed, and pirate ships would meet at secret locations to hold plank walking competitions.

Captain John Boneknuckle wrote in his diary about how a "resounding cry of delight arose from the galley of scalleywags" after one prisoner performed a full-twisting Albatross loop. The prisoner was granted a pardon and was set free upon arrival at the next port town. However, most prisoners were not so lucky. Many fell into the brimey sea after losing their footing or were struck by a stray bullet from the fights that would break out amongst the pirates during judging.

As the years went on, pirating fell out of vogue, but the spectacle of plank walking remained. Indeed, plank walking debuted at the very first modern Olympics under the new-fangled title, "Balance Beam", so as to distance it from its scurvy past.

on the 8th day, as a token of his remorse
God created the kaleidoscope
to make the ugly things
beautiful

Rebecca Primwell is a historical figure known for making global warming in September of 1803, in Bucks County, Pennsylvania. Primwell, only 6 or 7 at the time, confided in her mother that she had wished upon a shooting star for eternal summer. Her horrified mother contacted the nearby authorities immediately, but the damage was already done. Rebecca was sentenced to 10 years in the local penitentiary, and the details of her life afterwards are near nonexistent.

Her actions as a youth, however, are still felt around the world; not 5 months later, Richard Trevithick constructed the world’s first steam locomotive. It wasn't long before mountains of coal were being burnt into the atmosphere. Rebecca Primwell had unintentionally jump-started the industrial revolution, and through it had instigated what we now know as global warming. She would never see her ruinous wish come to fruition, but nonetheless her wish is being slowly, arduously, granted.

Of course, global warming is still in effect today. Scientific conferences have discussed what will happen once the other seasons die off, as there will still be varying degrees of summer over the course of a year. They have settled on the pleasant, unpleasant, toasty, and lethal times of the year, each roughly corresponding to our current seasons. It should be emphasized, however, that these are technically not seasons, but rather different flavors of the single season of summer.

Instituting a global “Rebecca Primwell Day” has increasingly gained traction over the years. On this day, the severe dangers of wishing on shooting stars would be stressed in public schools around the world. 

One thing is irrefutable: global warming is all Rebecca Primwell’s fault and hers alone. Nobody else is remotely to blame for global warming in any degree; it’s totally Rebecca’s fault.