Five song EP that I wrote and recorded with some friends. Always been curious to hear another spin on it.
If you want to preview before downloading: http://ghastlymenace.bandcamp.com
You're welcome, but my laptop was broken, so now I even don't know where my first version's... Maybe it'll be better, I hope)
This is just a short script I wrote last year. It's a fictitious account of Jason Russell (aka Kony 2012) and his famous meltdown. Anywho I decided to place it here to see if anyone can do anything with it!
Yeah, for real, this is my handwriting. I turned it into a font. And now you can REmix it or whatever you want. Enjoy.
Hi i'm Felipe Almendros an illustrator and cartoonist and I want to find some editor to publish my comics: Save Our Souls and RIP in USA.Comics only been published in Spain at the moment ,hope you like.
you can see the rest of my work at:
Wait I mean music hasn't been this good since....ever? Can I say that?
This another collaboration for rant if he's there...This project is called Farlimart - System Preferences
I record myself... I mean I just played it for fun..
but was surprised by my voice... I guess... I talked too much with cats...
I mean.. I have a cat and volunteer as a cat behaviorist and medical care for SFSPCA, what I can say..
hope someone need them~ :)
if you need more different cat sounds, tell me~ meow~
I've attached detailed notes/edits to the RECord. If I come off a little overbearing I apologize but I think this piece has a lot of potential. Sorry for the bloodbath in the second paragraph.
Without further ado here are my overall thoughts. The first paragraph in my opinion is very strong. You present some wonderful ideas and some very powerful imagery in the first part of your piece. The language and structure comes across like a prose poem rather than a typical short story. It's excellent. If I had to chose, I'd say the last half of the first paragraph is my favorite of the entire piece. It is incredibly appropriate that you use the phrase "words full of poetry" because that is what you've given us in the this section. The word choice and structure is beautiful and extremely powerful! I had very few things I felt needed tweaking in this part. I made some grammer edits and thought one sentence could use being broken up in a different way for effect. You create a feeling of post apocalyptic ruins framed in a city of brand new buildings. It is a great contrast. The character of the girl is portrayed wonderfully here with her choosing to be an outsider. She longs for he ruins yet must navigate the present. I enjoy this exploration ideas.
In the second paragraph; however, is where I start to get lost. The language becomes unclear and a lot of the ideas you've wonderfully created in the first paragraph are repeated several times. Be careful to avoid this as the more you repeat the same imagery, discription etc in a small amount of space the less power it has. Also try to maitain the tone throughout the whole piece. You give us a third person point of view throughout the first paragraph that is feels odd when it switches to a more conversational feeling and then we are given the characters thoughts. It almost has the feeling of being worked out as it was being written and it feels like it strays from the tone of the first paragraph and meanders between ideas. There are some really great nuggets though in this section. I love the part about buidlings smelling like money and her dreaming in her apartment the world isn't dead. Where the first paragraph is sharp and effective the second paragraph feels out of focus. It almost feels like two different pieces. I would work on boiling down what you want to convey with the second paragraph. The changes I suggested are only guesses at what I thought you were trying to achieve so I may be wrong.
I think you have the foundation for something that could be incredible. All it needs is a little bit of focus in the second paragraph and some tightening up of the language. Again I can't stress how much I loved the first paragraph and think it stands out as its own piece. To end it with "But yet there's so much more to come!" gets me excited to read on but I'm met with a little bit of sadness when part two doesn't hold me as strongly as part one. Of course I could be totally wrong. I am however excited to see what you do with any revisions as I really do love the opening paragraph!
As usual I attached my detailed notes/suggestions/edits. Again sorry for the blood bath.
There is some great, great development in part 2 of Shelter. It picks up right where the first part ends and I love it. Again you use the flashback scenes superbly and they flow right in to the rest of the story. You do an excellent job fleshing out this post apocalyptic landscape and you get a sense of the grueling existence it Michelle's search for a place to hide herself from the elements. Her character is also developed wonderfully! You put so much of her in to these 2 sections that you get a really strong sense of who she is. Adding the part about the flowers in the first section is a great move to set up the scene they come in to play in later on.
I defnitely feel like there is a lot more to be said about Michelle and the world she resides in. I'd love to get more glimpses of her with her parents. Were they young when the zero hour happened? I'd also love to get more on David's father since he is breifly mentioned. As the comments for this have stated, there is definitely a novel's worth of story just in these 2 short sections you've given us! Overall the imagery is great! And you keep the reader engaged and involved!
Some general comments, try avoiding using the character's name so frequently. There are a few points where it comes up several times in the span of 2 sentences. You want to balance it with pronouns to prevent it from sounding too stiff. Also you have a lot of long, long sentences. Try to vary the length as too many long sentences in a row start to feel exhausting and the reader has a tough time knowing where things start and stop. Lastly, try simplifying some of the descriptions. I highlighted several in my notes as examples. Often being overly wordy or complicated takes away from what could be a very sharp and poignant image. Brevity can do a lot in fiction sometimes.
Great piece again overall and a great extension of part 1! I really hope you keep expanding on this storyline as I think it is an awesome read! Keep up the great work! Can't wait for part III!