A man enters the office wearing a costume that combines elements of pirate, ninja, and '70s disco dancer. A green parrot sits on his shoulder, scowling. The interview commences.
Q: Why are you leaving your current superhero?
A: He was excessively flatulent, and he failed to recognize my greatness.
Q: What's would you say is your most significant weakness? And your greatest strength?
A: My most significant weakness is being so fabulous that superheroes get jealous. My greatest strength is my general awesomeness.
Q: Have you ever faced a difficult work situation, and, if so, how did you overcome it?
A: My previous superhero's parrot, the Green Offender, fell madly in love with me, which created a conflict of interest. I resolved the issue by marrying her in a civil ceremony. We recently celebrated our third wedding anniversary.
Q: What was your biggest accomplishment in your last sidekick role?
A: Convincing my previous superhero to wear underwear.
Q: What was your greatest failure?
A: I could never get him to wear pants.
Q: What are your passions outside of work?
A: I enjoy throwing cream puffs at politicians, competitive cockroach racing, and breeding pygmy gorillas. I'm also a member of the lamppost appreciation society, or at least I was until they kicked me out for being too fabulous.
Q: Would you be willing to undergo a rebranding if required?
A: No. I'm utterly fantastic just as I am and couldn't be improved upon in any way.
Q: What are your superpowers, and how would they benefit this partnership?
A: I've been developing a variety of niche powers that only the most sophisticated superheroes are likely to appreciate. I can use my telekinetic powers to make onions vibrate, emit a sound that induces euphoria in wombats, crochet tea cozies at the speed of light, and sense when anyone within a ten-mile radius is masturbating to a photo of Theodore Roosevelt.
Q: Do you have any questions before we conclude the interview?
A: Yes. What is your policy on underwear? Also, can I hear a sample of your theme music before I agree to take the position? And I'm assuming that you'll supply crackers for the Green Offender, but she's got a gluten intolerance – will you be able to provide gluten-free crackers? Does your health insurance policy cover broccoli-related mishaps? And can I store a time machine and a giant ball of twine in my company parking space?
1. Why are you leaving your current superhero?
Well, I was actually working for a villain. The Orange Menace, you've probably heard of him. Well, over the ten years or so that I've been his sidekick, I kind of started to question the morality of what I was doing. I mean, I was making bank, but sometimes there are things more important than bank, which is something Conrad (that's his name, by the way, Conrad) didn't understand. We exchanged words, then we exchanged blows, but it was a mutual thing. I'm fine.
2. What's your greatest weakness and strength?
I'd say my greatest strength is my up-for-anything attitude. Like, I worked for the Orange Menace for ten years, so you know I'm really willing to do whatever. I might complain about it later, but I'll do it, whatever it is you want me to do. My greatest weakness is probably my inability to feel love.
3. Describe a difficult work situation and how you overcame it.
I will admit to having been sexually harrassed by Conrad on more than one occassion. What I usually did was try and get away from him as soon as possible. I feel like this might have been part of the reason Conrad hired me in the first place, and part of the reason he was so fine with letting me go. Although honestly, I feel like I might have accepted his advances were it not for my inability to feel love. Next question.
4. What was the biggest accomplishment/failure in your last sidekick role?
One time, I killed Thor (although he had already been severely weakened by my colleagues). Most of the credit went to Conrad and Loki, but I was the one who dealt the finishing blow, so it was a personal victory at the very least. Then it turned out that was actually a clone of Thor (this was back in the 90s, when everyone was cloning themselves), but he still had all Thor's power, so yeah. Another time, I tried to clone myself, but a cat came out the other end for some reason. Still not 100% sure how that worked, but I broke the cloning device in the process, so I guess I'll never know. I kind of stopped the cloning fad in the process, so that was a big failure on my part.
5. What are your passions outside of work?
I have very few passions, due to my inability to feel love, but I do make YouTube videos. Sketches and Let's Plays and such. Me and my roommate, Rick. Yes, that Rick. He was Hulk for a while. Anyway, I also sold meth for a while. Not anymore. Don't worry about it.
6. Would you be willing to undergo a rebranding if required?
Well, my current alias is "Henry," so yes.
7. What are your superpowers and how would they benefit this partnership?
My main superpower is my ability to imitate any voice or sound. This could help distract the enemy and would also be helpful in many heist situations, as I can also flawlessly imitate complete silence. I can also do the hadouken from Street Fighter, believe it or not, and sometimes when I sneeze I shapeshift. With proper training I could learn to control that and then it would be a really valuable asset. I could really just turn into Mothra or something and just squash the enemy, if you need that. Or I could turn into you for when you have two places to be or something.
8. Do you have any questions?
Is there a break room? Good, good. Can I see it? I just want to know like, what there is to do in there. Ah, cool.
I know this is counterintuitive, but bear with me.
With all of the great questions coming out in the Town Hall collab, I would like to see the answers from HitRECord HQ gathered IN ONE PLACE.
If the official responses to individual Town Hall RECords are just in the comments, then it's likely that they will be missed, especially if it's not your own RECord or something that you have a special interest in and are following.
I'd like to see periodic text RECords from HRHQ, addressing any number of Town Hall issues, added as independent Town Hall RECords (perhaps, with titles like "TOWN HALL RESPONSES 7/30/14"). For those RECords, the original question RECords would be added as resources, so the original asker will know that their question has been addressed (since it will come up as a remix).
These official Town Hall Responses could be added to the Reel of the collab, so they are easy to locate.
Thanks for your consideration!
I'll often forget people's names on purpose, just to make them feel a little less important. I think it's important to stay humble.
There was a girl.
Years later, one evening
During the time she grew
She stretched out on the ground,
Her fingers ran through the grass,
She breathed and laughed,
Her back held the strength of the mountains.
There was never a girl.
Most of the time, my dad is the hero of my stories, or, at least, he's the protagonist. I feel bad about that, because sometimes, people think that I am not close to my mom or that I don't love her as much as my dad. That's not true, and it's never been true. Mom's had a tough job, trying to be the voice of reason in our house.
I was a good kid, very bookish, and if I was going to experiment, mine were going to be largely of the scientific variety. This isn't to say that I didn't learn Newton's Laws of Motion first hand. As a matter of fact, when it comes to physics, most of my knowledge comes from real world, practical experience. Dad oversaw a lot of those experiences.
When it came to the earth science stuff, though, Mom was the one who was helping me catch lizards and snakes in our yard so I could look at them closer. She was the one who showed me where to look out on the woodpile for the dull brown sand lizards warming themselves in the morning sun. Mom taught me that a hog-nosed snake was harmless to humans and that they'd play dead to avoid being moved. She showed me how to stand very still behind the fence so the deer would pass right by us in the yard.
Mom never told me that girls shouldn't be scientists. She never discouraged my interest in fossils or rocks or insects, except that one time when I was out of specimen jars so I wrapped a cicada-killer wasp in tin foil and stuck it in the freezer so I could eventually put it in my insect collection. Mom mistook it for actual food and when she unwrapped it, that was an all three names yell that they heard in town. She put her foot down about entomology after that.
My mom is an artist. She's the kind of artist that just creates for the sheer joy of creation. She doesn't really want to make a living at it or get any accolades. Mom doesn't always show her work to people, because she's shy about it, even though she's good. Mom taught me about art. When I was little, if I wanted to try to paint or draw something, Mom always got out the art supplies. There was never a point where there were "good" art supplies and stuff that I was allowed to use. From really beautiful (and expensive, even though I had no idea at the time) Japanese rice paper to real watercolors in tubes, Mom let me use it all.
She taught me to be a maker. She showed me that just because you have to learn a new technique to create the vision that's in your head, you should never be afraid. Even if the first attempt turns out dismal, that just meant that I needed more practice at what I was doing to make the next one better. Creation takes perserverance, no matter how suitable anyone thinks they are to the task. Needing to try again isn't failure, it's part of the learning process.
Mom is really proud of my writing and she wants to see me take it places beyond both of our imaginations. The funny thing is that most of it takes place in a genre that Mom doesn't like. She's never been a fan of science fiction or fantasy and she's definitely not onboard with horror, but for all of that, she understands that those are the kinds of things that I like to write and the ones that seem to flow most naturally.
Mom and I have common ground. We like to make things, even though Mom will push through when things go awry and I need to step away and come back to it. We like to stop and look at the world around us. The reptiles are just as beautiful and enthralling as the mammals.
The thing is, Mom just doesn't make for good story material most of the time. She prefers to be a periphery character in the story. There are a few adventures that fit right in the family cannon, but often she's the one that either explains why something isn't going to be a good idea or picks up the pieces afterwards. Usually, she ends up doing both. Mom has her own stories, but hers are quieter. Her stories are putting things together, making meals, teaching me things, and keeping our house and our family going. Hers are the stories that thread everything else together so that it becomes the narratives of our lives.
i always cry at weddings
and when a baby is born
And any other time i see someone ruining their life
There are 2 kinds of people in the world.
and people who taste like chicken.
I stopped giving money to cancer organizations when I realized they don’t give cancer to people there.
Is there a way to delete a submission from a collaboration? I've made a few mistakes where I submitted an image/file into the wrong collab. For example, I accidentally submitted a fire bumper image into the gun collab...
Sometimes the Moon shows me her dark side.
And I show her mine.
Can we PLEASE get rid of the heartrate? There's no point to it, unless you count a hit as an individual IP address, and ALSO we have so many different types of RECords: text, audio, image, video - that it is near impossible to define what a 'hit' is, anyway. Furthermore, I've noticed a trend in that RECords with the most hearts have the smallest heartrate...like 2-5%, so it seems detrimental in that way.
Look at a record like Ppeppina's "Loops: We can go back again". It's got over 1100 hearts, but a 2% heartrate.
I get the idea behind it - to quantify how many people recommend something after seeing it - but I've never seen a heartrate above 9%....so....
Get rid of it?
K, thanks, byee!