I imported the text into MovieMagic, turned it into a pdf and then used iAnnotate to add my comments. There are instances where the formatting didn't go correctly but for the most part it's fine... just made it easier for me to read and "judge"certain elements of the script, like pace, etc. If you have trouble opening this and/or reading the comments in the pdf, let me know. Hope this is helpful.

Good work so far  :-)

I love post-apocalyptic tales. Have written several myself. So, if I come across as overly critical it's because I'm REALLY into it  :-)  I really like "Shelter." The tone and atmosphere you create are really well done. I also like the structure - the switch between timelines/locations. Michelle is a likable character... we instantly feel for her. The best part about this story is the certain level of ambiguity. Michelle is a refugee and "they" are persuing her. She's being punished for basically trying to help her child. You're suggesting some form of government. It's very intriguing how that would work in such times and I like that it doesn't get explained - it doesn't have to. On the other hand there are some things that do need some development/explanation, imo, in order to do the genre justice. If this were published and went to bookstores, the crowd you'd attract mostly would be "sci-fi lovers/geeks." They can be one of the toughest audience to satisfy because they'll throw logic at you  lol So, I hope the points I raise in my notes make sense - it's nothing I would necessarily consider "major." So, overall, I think this is a very exciting piece. On a technical level, you have a tendency to be "over-descriptive" - you'll sort of repeat yourself within one sentence to bring your point across when you've already established it. For example ..."the mingled crowd..." Just the word "crowd" puts that visual in our head that we have bodies close to one another. You also established the setting - a type of market. So, no need for "mingled."Hope that makes sense. Lastly, I'm not sure how I feel about the title. It's a catchy title for sure, but does it represent the story well - I'm not so sure. If it were me, I'd probably create some sort of metaphor revolving around her missing finger. The story in general revolves around the things we take for granted... so I'd go into that direction with the title. But I guess we tend to take shelter for granted as well lol Anyway, it's just a thought.

Nice work, Emma! Really enjoyed it :-) Some time sooner than later, I'll go (back) to some of your other stories... just have a lot going on right now. But I really like your style and the fact that you're into sci-fi types  :-D

The zip includes a few technical notes that I think might help make it a little smoother but overall it's a very nice piece. I love the various Alice in Wonderland references - dreaming, shrinking, flowers (and poppies! which can be interpreted in a couple of ways in regards to Alice), the rabbit hole... I think it could make for a great little animation! There is at least one Alice in Wonderland collab on this site - a really huge one. Maybe that's a place to start - for you or anyone else who may be interested to take this to the next level. Nice work! :-)

I think this has the beginnings of a really deep, emotional and captivating story. You managed to condense an entire course of life and its downward spiral by just picking out two significant "events" and still make us comprehend the entire timeline - how things may have led up to where the main character finds hersef in the end. Some thngs are extremely subtle, some blatant - both extremely effective in execution. The only thing that keeps this from being a smooth read is the grammar for mostly two reasons 1) the constant switch between present and past tense and 2) run-on sentences.

The ending is interesting. I like that it's kind of abrupt and not happy. This story could continue but you could also leave it as is and it would still be just as satisfying, imo. I would work on it a little more in terms of "style" - some expressions and sentences are repetitive and take away from the read. I think a heavy duty polish and this could truly be a gem. Nice job!  :-)

The zip contains a pdf with additional (more technical) notes.

I've listened to it before and thought it was good but actually reviewing it has made me appreciate this song so much more. I love the irony in it. The song itself has a mellow and sort of "hippie" feel while at the same time being a little dreary or monotonous (by all means NOT boring! It's just your rhythm that implies that notion of repetition with which we tend to connect monotony)... BUT the lyrics are ANYTHING BUT that lol . Well, it partially addresses monotony but the other part is, well, somthing quite different :-D  That irony makes me think of the movie AMERICAN PSYCHO - your song has the same macabre kind of humor (unless I'm totally misinterpreting your song and then I'm in deep shit  lol). I really love it.

There is one sound in it that I'm not sure I love or not, especially initially. It's the very first beat we hear - has that little skipping/echo type of sound to it. On one hand I feel it adds color because it's a really interesting sound, on the other it kept distracting me at first from listening to the rest because it reminded me of a skipping record. In that sense it felt more like "bad quality" in that particular sound than being intentional. Once I had heard the whole song I was totally over it and now i actually feel that little sound feeds into the message of your song overall. So, from that perspective I feel this song is one of those that grows on you the more you listen to it. Not sure if that makes sense, nor if you should do anything about that little sound. If you did, I bet I'd miss it  lol

The zip includes a pdf that takes a closer look at your lyrics. There were areas that I felt were a tad forced. Nothing major though.

Nice work. Really really like this one  <3

Hi Danah!

I'm soooo sorry you had to wait this long for feedback. I hope this is useful to you. I feel you're very close and I enjoyed it a lot. Let me know if you have trouble opening the file or have any additional questions.

<3